Engagement on the rocks after woman overhears her husband's family openly mocking her. + UPDATE
"Future MIL (54F) called me (23F) stupid and now I’m considering calling off the wedding. How do I approach the situation?"
umieranie
I (23F) am engaged to John (24M). We are together for 5 years. We want to get married in july 2025. I always thought that his family liked me because we get along well. He has two older brothers (26M,29M), both married. Honestly, I was very excited to have them all as my in laws. They were always kind to me.
Some kind of important information: About a year ago when I was scrolling on instagram I saw a profile that was kind of cringy but in a cute way. It was an older woman’s profile who shared inspirational quotes.
I remember one particular post and it was something in the lines of „Only stupid people pretend to know everything. Don’t pretend. Just ask”. Honestly this quote changed me in a lot of ways.
Before that I was always worried that I might embarrass myself if I don’t know something and after reading that quote I realized that if I always pretend that I know everything then I’ll miss out on actually getting to learn about things.
So I decided to change my habits and start admitting that sometimes I genuinely don’t know. Someone is talking about the war in Kosovo? Okay sure but first let me ask some questions so I can really understand what we’re talking about. And I ask a lot of questions sometimes. I sometimes even open the notes app and write in some questions that I later want to find answers to. These are my latest:
How does the time work in the black hole? Why some snails have shells and others don’t???? What food is okay for ducks? How does the light bulb work (the old ones with gas inside them)? Does everyone see colours the same? and How can we know that??
Sorry for the long introduction, but it was kind of a necessary explanation for understanding what kind of person I am. I know that sometimes I might come across as annoying.
Now onto the problem: his parents hosted a small barbecue last weekend only for the family. So it was the mom (54F), dad (59M), brothers (26M, 29M) and their wives (27F, 27F). I was the last person who showed up because I had to work late.
I entered the house and when I was walking towards the back of the house into the backyard I heard John’s mom talking about me. To be honest she wasn’t talking about me, more like mocking me.
I heard her say in a high pitched voice "How does the sun work? Where should I put the fork? Why does nobody like me? How do I wipe my a$$?”. I just stood there. I had this sinking feeling. I couldn’t move, so I just stood there. And I heard them all laughing.
One of the wives said "I actually don’t mind her always asking questions. I think it’s cute” and it made me feel hopeful that they will say something like "yeah sure we’re just playing, we love that”. But none of them did. Instead the mom replied "It’s not cute. She’s just stupid.” After that they laughed again.
I heard John laughing. My heart kind of broke in that moment because he didn’t even say one positive thing. He didn’t defend me. He just laughed. I quietly turned around and left the house. I texted John that I got sick and have to stay home. Now I’m wondering how should I approach this situation.
We live together and I sleep in the guest bedroom for now and I use the excuse that I don’t want him to get sick from being around me. I can’t ignore him forever and I can’t pretend to be sick anymore, because it’s been too long.
I’m not sure how do i proceed. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding. I’m considering talking to them about this, but I’m also worried that they won’t be honest with me. I can’t marry him if he really thinks I’m stupid.
But I also can’t marry into a family who think so little of me. But maybe it was a joke and I shouldn’t take it so seriously… I’m so torn apart and every day I convince myself a bit more that it’s okay and sometimes we should all laugh about ourselves. Now i feel like i’m just going crazy. I would really appreciate some advice.
EDIT: There are many comments saying that they cannot stand people like me. I agree that sometimes I can be a bit too much with the questions, but with that being said I still think I’m within reason.
I don’t do it around people I just met, I rarely do it at parties or other gatherings. I usually do it with people who are close to me - who I think wouldn’t judge me or with people who specifically have knowledge about something and are willing to share it.
If Im a part of a conversation - I’m not rude and i’m not interrupting, I usually just ask one or two questions. If a discussion is about the climate change I’m not asking about monkeys if you know what I’m saying. I’m also not a complete dumba$$.
I don’t ask questions which generally would be considered dumb to other people. Those I just write in the notes and check answers later in the internet. I’m capable of reading so I make good use of it. But after all I still do ask questions a lot.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Beck2010
Tell John what you heard. Tell him of all the things you heard, his reaction hurt you the most. Tell him you cannot believe how cruel his mother was, and his laughter and failure to stand up for you was like a knife in the heart.
Then, ask him: “Why should I marry you? Someone who is comfortable laughing at me when they think I can’t hear them? You know I ask questions to better understand something. The smartest person in the room is the person who knows they don’t know everything and is not afraid to ask.
When I heard everyone, all I could hear was ignorance, unkindness, a lack of grace, and no love whatsoever. How very graceful of you and your family to mock someone.” Frankly, I’d call off the wedding.
jimoconnell
Start out with "How does the sun work? Where should I put the fork? Why does nobody like me? How do I wipe my a$$?” Follow up with "Why should I waste my time on a partner who doesn't respect me enough to defend me when people mock me?" and "How do I tell my fiance that his mother is a monster?"
Shaking-Cliches
Also, OPs questions display an intellectual curiosity that the whole mocking group clearly lacks. It’s not “where do I put the fork?” She’s asking how time works in a fucking black hole. She’s asking about the evolution of various species of snails.
She’s asking about innovation from times before she was born. She’s asking how to avoid hurting ducks if she feeds them. (Edit: and to be clear, even if some of the questions end up seeming weird or silly, she’s asking them because she wants to understand the world around her and how it got that way. That’s admirable.)
OP, I think your fiancé may be too dumb for you. One of my friends said that about a guy I dated. She was right. His mom certainly is. If ignorance is bliss, she must be the most blissful person in the world.
Edit 2: OP, you’re TWENTY-THREE YEARS OLD. I just caught that. This is not the guy for you. That’s how old I was when my friend said that guy was too dumb for me. You do not want to spend your life with someone content with exactly what they already know and how their life is.
His laughter is terrible and demonstrates a lack of character. His lack of desire for growth is going to stifle you. Ask big and small questions. And don’t ever let someone tell you you’re wrong to want to learn.
ConfusedAt63
They were laughing at you behind your back. If he says anything along the lines of: that is how they are, get over it, it is not a big deal, you are too sensitive . Anything, that excuses their behavior, then he is really asking you to accept it.
He asking you to give your permission for it to continue and your silence is your permission for it to continue. If they can’t say it to your face, that tells you a world of information about the kind of people they are.
If you want to see how things really are, confront them about this and see what happens, their reactions will tell you everything you need to know about all of them and will be helpful in making such a big decision.
It will show you how they deal with conflict which will be a good indication of what you will be getting yourself into should you marry this guy. They will be a part of your life for as long as they are alive, you need to know if you can tolerate being a part of his family.
anonymommy15
OP if he says they were ‘just kidding’ respond with “well I’m not spending the rest of my life being the butt of the joke” and give him the ring back. This isn’t going to get better if he does anything other than immediately apologize for everything, including not defending you.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: Future MIL (54F) called me (23F) stupid and now I’m considering calling off the wedding. How do I approach the situation?"
umieranie
First of all, I wanted to say thank you to people who reached out to answer my questions about black holes, snails, ducks, light bulbs and other stuff. I would love to have you as my friends.
For the other people who said I should just shut up - I don’t really care if you find me annoying or hard to be around. I’m okay with that. I don’t exist to please everyone. I’m just here for a good time, have my own interests and learn.
I didn’t expect my post to gain so much attention but I’m so grateful for the advice. Most of you told me to break up with him and at the very least confront him, so that’s what I decided to do. You gave me a push and confidence to do it. But before I did that, I texted the wife of John’s brother, the one who said she liked me asking questions. I asked if we can meet up for coffee. She said sure.
We met and I didn’t see the point in pretending to her that I didn’t hear their conversation. So after some small talk I just said „I heard you all talking about me during the bbq”. She immediately got sad and said she feels embarrassed.
She explained that it wasn’t a joke, wasn’t out of context, that it was just mean and hurtful. She said she’s sorry for not defending me more, but I said that’s it’s okay and I understand.
I told her that I don’t blame her for anything, and just wanted to make sure that I understand the situation and see it for what it really was.. And it really was laughing about me behind my back. Just bullying.
At this point I just had to confront John. In my last post so many comments were saying that he will probably try gaslighting me. And you were right. We were having dinner together for the first time since the bbq happened, because before I tried my best to avoid him.
(Yes, I know, not very mature of me, but other than you guys I don’t really have a strong support system. My family and best friends are hundreds of kilometers away. I only have two good friends here)
I was so stressed I thought I’m going to pass out. My legs were shaking and I was terrified because I knew deep down that this is the moment when my five year relationship goes down the drain.
I looked him in the eyes and asked „How does the sun work?”. He looked confused, so I followed with „Where should I put my fork? Why does nobody like me?” At this point realization hit him and he started nervously laughing. I said I was there and I heard them. After the initial shock passed, he got mad. He said its rude to eavesdrop. I said it’s rude to bully people.
He tried telling me that it was just a joke. That I shouldn’t be so uptight. That it really was funny. I said that I didn’t find it funny and went to the guest to calm down. He started panicking. He was asking me to please talk to him.
He was much more apologetic and said that he will be 100% honest with me. I asked if his mother made similar comments before the bbq. He said yes. I asked him if he ever defended me. He said he tries to. I don’t know if I believe him. He told me he loves me and respects me. I don’t know if I believe it either.
I said that I love him too, but I need a break. He’s all I ever known. He was my first and only partner. I have no outside perspective of this, I have no experience. I need a moment to think. I will be going to my friends house for a while to think everything through. The apartment has his name on the lease anyway.
After I gathered some of my things and left, he kept texting me non stop. He tried calling but I didn’t respond. I was very hurt because he tried to belittle my feelings and only later when he realised that I might break up with him, started apologising.
The next day I decided to give him another chance to explain himself and I came back to the apartment. He seemed very sad and tired. He said that he told his mother that I overheard them.
I said I don’t care. It’s his time to step up and show me that he cares, I’m not interested in a apology from his mother. I’m already done with her. I can’t put up with this behaviour and mocking me like we’re in primary school.
I saw a comment saying that probably her ego is hurting. I think it’s true. She never got the chance or never had desire to have an education. She is a very good home maker but outside of that she doesn’t have many interests of her own.
If I’m asking her about making tomato soup she will be talking for 30 minutes lecturing me about adding enough sugar, but not too much. She will lecture anyone who is willing to listen.
But anytime someone is talking about something she’s not familiar with - she gets defensive and try to imply that nobody cares about that and if its not relevant to her, it shouldn’t be discussed.
Once again he tried telling me that I should relax because it was only a joke and at this point I had enough. I took of my ring and told him that his behaviour is a joke and I can’t be the punch line.
I told him that I wish him and his family the best and to look in the mirror to check if they really are as superior as they think they are. I said I’m going to be back with my friend soon to pick up the rest of my stuff and to not contact me again unless it’s about moving my things out.
And that’s it. I’m done. Thank you all for the advice. Without you I wouldn’t have the confidence to leave this man. I know I deserve better. I can’t be with someone who can’t stand up for me, and I wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable around his family, so I’m done with the relationship. I hope they will treat his next girlfriend better. Thank you again reddit for advice!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
trialanderrorschach
"He said its rude to eavesdrop."
Lmao the AUDACITY of this man. "You're so rude for listening to the shit we were talking about you IN THE HOUSE YOU WERE IN."
The irony of him and his garbage family calling you stupid when he tried to pull this inane nonsense is priceless. Your instincts are completely right and you clearly are a smart girl with a good head on your shoulders. I'm also a person who loves learning about the world and I promise you can find plenty of people who cherish and admire your curiosity.
ElementalHelp
"Once again he tried telling me that I should relax because it was only a joke and at this point I had enough. I took of my ring and told him that his behaviour is a joke and I can’t be the punch line."
Not me fist pumping the air after reading this epic line. OP you are my hero!! WELL DONE.
bernea
Yay! Now start hanging out with better people- those who appreciate your intellectual curiosity!
khuflii
“It’s rude to eavesdrop”
“It’s rude to bully people”
Someone had to tell him!
Wrong-Bodybuilder516
“His behavior is a joke and I can’t be the punchline” I got an indescribable feeling from reading this line, exhilarating, absolute freedom and integrity. I’ll have whatever she’s having!