'AITA for not taking in my in-laws and not helping them with medical bills?' UPDATED
"AITA for not taking in my in-laws and not helping them with medical bills?"
I (24M) do pretty well for myself, have my own place a stable/boring job that doesn't require much of my attention and pays well while I work from home. I have plenty of hobbies, buy nice clothes. Just in general have a pretty comfortable life, my fiancee (26F) moved in when we got engaged about 2 years ago.
Important context is that everything is in my name. And she doesn't pay rent, only bills specific to her (like buying the things she likes to eat with her own money) and she helps with some of the utility bills.
About 10 months back my father-in-law (56) was diagnosed with a pretty curable case of lung cancer; he had an early-ish diagnose. But my in-laws don't have the best financial condition and these months of medical bills and other expenses might very well lead to them becoming homeless and father-in-law without money to stay on his treatment.
My in-laws have always treated me like s@*t, and were always openly against my relationship with their daughter, to the point where they'd explicitly tell her not to bring me to family gatherings and invite her ex.
Things of this nature, and yes she had my back and stopped attending said family gatherings, but she still loves her family and they mean a lot to her. So, she asked if we could take them in and help her father with his treatment. To which I said no, without thinking twice.
She asked if I could please think on it for a few days and I replied 'if I think on it for a few days I'll only be more sure of my already obvious conclusion, they're not setting foot here and I don't care what happens to either of them'.
She replied saying something along the lines of us having the income to spare (and that is true but around 70% of it is my income not her's) and space (also true) and asked me if my hobbies and spending money on myself was really more important than her family to which I simply said 'yeah, it is'.
That kinda got me annoyed since I spend a lot of money on US not just me, although yeah I have a few hobbies I spend on.
Now, my fiancee didn't blow up at me or anything, she's not one for conflict but she called me an a**hole and has been staying last couple of days over at her parents, still calls me before bed every night but is still clearly p*#^ed at me. Very very p*^%ed. AITA?
EDIT: Since a lot of people asked and some pointed out it could be important INFO, I come from a Japanese family and she, her family and her EX are all African-American.
Also another frequent question is if I know why they dislike me, I don't, they won't say anything to my face ever but have disliked me from day 1 and I know that they argued with my fiancee because of me several times, especially in the earlier days.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:
NTA - Have you suggested that she contact her ex to help them out? I'd die on that hill if I were you. Stay strong brother.
Pretty sure he said the parents in law invited her ex for family gatherings no?
NTA. You owe them nothing and they have treated you appallingly. They don't think you are good enough for their daughter.... why do they think they are good enough for your money?
And your fiance isn't pulling her fair share of the bills. Right now you are pretty much paying for everything... if your in-laws move in that amount will probably triple. Let's be honest... they will be home all the time running up all the utilities and expect you to buy good food that they like.
You're lucky that she is only your fiance and not your wife at this point. If you allow them to move in... I don't think they will ever move out. You may have some difficult decisions to make over the next few months.
NTA - They don't like you, didn't want you around them or on their home but now that they're struggling they've decided they now want your home and your money. If your fiancée is so worried she can use her own money to help her parents.
People here are saying you should help them so you can heal the relationship etc. No! They didn't want a relationship and they were awful to you, it's not up to you to now use your home and your money to heal anything. They had opportunity over the years to do this but only want to do it now they need you. Don't help toxic people.
NTA. If fiancée isn’t paying any bills other than her personal ones, she should have a fair amount of disposable income that she could leverage to help her folks. Certainly no responsibility of op’s.
The in laws have made it abundantly clear that they don’t consider him family, so it’s quite rich to now turn around and expect what would be considered a familial obligation.
2 days later, the OP returned with an update:
Well yesterday FIL and MIL where at the doctor's the whole afternoon so my fiancee came over for a talk and said she understands why I refuse help them, and said that being at their place just over a few days reminded her I was completely within my rights to not care as, even in bed with cancer, her father won't shut up about her breaking up with me.
She apologized for having even asked in the first place as they don't deserve it even if I was willing (her words).
She also said that while she was angry at the way I spoke about her parents possibly dying/being homeless (as many of you suggested I apologized for the way I spoke) she was angrier at herself for being just as financially irresponsible as they are a not having any money to help them herself.
I pointed out a bunch of issues with her financial decisions that she agreed had to change and she asked for my help with teaching her to be more financially responsible.
She asked if I felt used for her not paying that much around the house, I said no, but if it'll make her feel better and help her make better financial decisions we have a couple more bills around the house she can pick up. But I told her to only worry about that after her father is done with treatment and for now just keep helping them with her money.
Then I spent a whole bunch of time explaining to her all the different resources, social programs, financial aid and charities her parents could reach out to (like a lot of you suggested as well, thanks), so they can stay afloat while FIL gets his treatment and just gave her some general financial advice.
I also found a buyer for their house, bellow market but still, they get the money they need and can move into a cheap-ish rental that fiancee and her parents can split the rent for now.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to just give it time to work itself out.
And also by not rushing into any life-changing decisions based on a heightened emotional state. I’m glad they were able to work it out by communicating honestly and giving it time.
You know, by the end of this story, I was rooting for this couple.
No big fight. He understands that she wants to help. She is mad but even running off to care for parent, calls every night. Comes back in 3 days, acknowledges his feelings, apologizes and then asks if he feels used. She then asks for help to learn financial skills her parents failed to teach her.
Meanwhile, he has resources for her to look into helping her parents and tells her to use her money to help them. Good communication skills, deep friendship, even angry, wants to help each other. Sweet update.
Isn't it better for them to rent their house and move to a smaller place?
Why would they sell it below market?!?!?
Sounds like a standard case of racism to me. Parents don't like him because he's Asian. Glad he put his foot down firmly and early.