Mother calls out MIL after secret, unapproved airport visit with 3-year-old daughter. AITA? + UPDATE
"MIL won’t tell me the reason they came from the airport when they should’ve been in town during her visit."
For a quick backstory. My relationship hasn’t been the best with MIL. In the beginning I had to go no contact due to standoff confrontations she’s made and racial remarks said about me and even her own grandchild before and when my daughter was born.
Over time after a year in she got better and wanted to be amicable. So I gave her a chance and slowly let her come back around. She’s better and I haven’t had any problems since.
It’s been an additional 2 years after that. Everything’s been great. For Christmas she’s decided to come down to visit, and I needed a well needed break from Mommy duties since I am currently a single mom. Her father is incarcerated.
I brought up the idea of letting her have the baby for a couple days. She was excited and glad to. Great. She picked her up Tuesday and said she would return her Friday. Which is today.
Which is also my daughter’s half brother’s birthday. So I just automatically assumed she wanted to keep my daughter till that day so she could FaceTime her brother. (Brother doesn’t live in the same state)
The thing is I leave her a message around 4pm asking when she would return her and she never responded. I brush it off and call around 9:40 asking was she still planning on returning her and she’s confused asking did I want her back tonight.
I told her I was checking in since she said she would drop her off today and wondered what was going on or if she wanted to drop her off tomorrow since it was getting late. She slipped up and told me they just came from the airport?
When I tried to ask about it she immediately changed the conversation about her getting her medicine and then ignored what I was saying and just kept responding with “oh” then proceeded to ask my daughter if she wanted to go home with me tonight or not.
My daughter is 3. I found this weird and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bothered by it. A 3 year old doesn’t get to decide that. I tell her to just call me tomorrow when she’s on her way to dropping the LO off.
I can’t stop overthinking and thought I’d just confront her about it tomorrow or would that be me starting problems? There’s no reason for them to be at the airport that I can think of unless they went out of state (without my knowledge and consent.
They were suppose to be at my daughters aunts the whole time) or her sibling came into town most likely with a relative since he’s around like 7. And it worries me even more if he’s in town with HIS mom around my daughter because this information wasn’t shared with me.
I’m out of the loop and have never met his mother, who also isn’t fond of me. But MIL is on amicable terms with BM. How should I go about this if you were in my shoes?
I’m a young mom and this is all new to me. I don’t want to overdo it, but I’m very upset and trying to keep calm. But I assumed since it seemed like they were in town and she’ll be dropping her off tomorrow I’d just let it go for no. Thoughts?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Go get your child. Immediately. Something is not right.
Since MIL is choosing not to answer OP’s questions, watching LO ends immediately with no option to do so again in the future. Anyone watching someone else’s child should be immediately reachable and responsive, and forthcoming about all activities, period.
The fact that you aren't on your way to get the kid right now is concerning. Listen to your instincts.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
Sorry for the late update. I’ve read each and every single one of your responses. I’ve been an emotional mess. Firstly, I want to thank everyone for bringing to attention how very under reacting I was to the situation.
That also showed me just how UNDER communicated this entire arrangement was. I didn’t want to keep her from family, as they were claiming I’m doing and that it wasn’t right, and my daughter is really happy around them.
Info to add, MIL is foreign and English isn’t her first language. I’m not sure if it’s innocent ignorance or weaponized in disguise. Not that I think that’s any excuse but I think she’s a little hard at understanding.
I contacted authorities and unfortunately nothing at the time could be done and I’d have to wait till the agreed pick up time if there wasn’t immediate danger since the convo me and MIL had stated so. MIL was not ignoring my calls and I could reach her so they said it wasn’t a crime that she was “delaying”the drop off if anything.
Since there is no custody dispute and she’s not refusing to drop her off they can’t intervene unless there’s a clear issue of danger or abduction, so I’d just have to wait for the drop off time.
I’d barely slept at all. SIL had moved recently and we’re not on speaking terms so I did not know her address. Additionally, I did not know MIL would be there until she told me. I guess to save money, but MIL usually stayed in a hotel when coming to visit.
I also did not have the car for transportation which is a whole other story. So I work around one car with my parents which was unavailable at the time, so I had no choice but to wait.
Drop off day comes and I ask MIL to drop LO off early. I found out she also took her to a 1yr old's party. I know nothing about the family or child. It was one of her friends.
At drop off her husband is with her unloading the bags of gifts they got her, recapping what they did for the day. When I pressed about the airport conversation she claimed they were there picking up her husband who flew in to town.
I’m not sure if I believe it but the way everything went about made me uncomfortable. I did let her know my feelings on it and elaborated i would like to know where and who my daughter is with at all times.
MIL side thought I was overreacting. To avoid arguments I just apologized and told them I was just worried and having separation anxiety and since LO can’t communicate well I’d like to know these things.
They “ understood and reassured “ they’d never do anything to put my daughter in harms way. Which wasn’t the point at all. My daughter was relieved to see me and happily came running and crying to me once she saw me.
MIL “joked” saying that when she asked my daughter if she wanted to go back to mommy my daughter would say no. I frowned upon this, not that MIL knew any better or knew my daughter for that matter, but, my daughter has this habit or stage of just saying no just because, to anything really, JUST because.
Even when she doesn’t mean it. I told her LO doesn’t get to decide that or understand what that means. It was awkward silence for a bit and she just made sure I had everything before leaving.
Honestly, after the lack of everything that happened, I’m not comfortable nor do I don’t plan on letting overnights be a thing again or unsupervised visits, until my child is old enough to communicate well and independent.
I suffer from chronic anxiety and didn’t want to do anything too out of character. The whole ordeal was nerve wracking and I’m sure that made it worse. I was trying to rational and calm in the situation as there have been way too many times I’ve had a falling out with my kids father side of the family whether it were pertaining to him or our child that would leave me to going little to no contact.
Ironically BD called me later that night after drop off but k was busy getting LO settled in and missed it. I did want to wait for the next call to see what info I could fish from him to see if MIL was lying about the airport situation. Luckily I will not have to deal or worry about MIL for a while, and let this be a lesson to learn to grow a fucking backbone and stick to my word. Thank all of you again.
She probably meant well, but she calls me later to check up on LO because she misses her and asks about LO well being (like I would when checking up on her to see how she’s holding up) am I wrong for feeling some type of way towards this lol?
She makes me seem like unfit or I don’t know what I’m doing as a parent. As if my child would be in distress without her, when it’s rather the opposite. Ick vibes.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
While you're working on back-bone...Do not let your child go somewhere for which you do not have the address. Do not apologize for saying you want to know where your child is, and who they are with. This is not an over-reaction. The child is YOUR child and YOUR responsibility, not theirs.
Do start asking more questions whenever your child is going to someone else's care - What are their plans? Do they plan on going anywhere? And say no when you're not comfortable.
OP, this woman is not safe. Please do not let her have your child unsupervised again. You’re massively underreacting and apologizing to her and taking the blame for the anxiety she caused is NUTS.
I still feel like you’re under reacting. Why did you apologize? That seems unnecessary. “You need to communicate where you are taking LO and who you all are with” is not unreasonable.
It is also reasonable to say “I need to have been introduced and comfortable with people who visit LO.” As you said, absolutely no more unsupervised visits. No more overnights ever.
Delaying unsupervised visits and overnights is definitely the right call. Honestly she sounds like the type of grandparent who will encourage your LO to keep secrets from you once she's old enough to communicate better, so if you don't want to EVER allow unsupervised visits that's also okay!
I just want to say that you don't have to use an anxiety disorder as a reason for wanting to know where your child is. With some people that will undermine your point. You want to know where your child is because you're the parent, it is your right and responsibility to have that information and not be yanked around by the people you entrusted her with.
My first inclination is they were trying to take your kid. Maybe it's paranoid but 🤷🏻♀️ It seems obvious that his family doesn't like OP, or dealing with her. They played nice long enough to get that overnight and then tried to take the baby and run.
They probably thought if they could get her to their home and file emergency custody, and then what could OP do? That obviously wouldn't go smoothly but crazies don't think rationally.
There is no logical reason to avoid answering the airport question unless she was doing something she knew OP wouldn't like, and not answering all day, being confused that she was supposed to bring her back that day. Nope. She 100% was up to some shady stuff.
She had all night to think of a reasonable answer to the airport question, if it really was just picking up FIL she would have said that to begin with. They were trying to steal your baby, home girl! Idc what they say about you or how unfair it is, ONLY supervised visits EVER.