Woman's FIL never accepted her as family, tries to guilt son into giving him one of her cars.
"AITAH for refusing to help my FIL with a vehicle?"
Chemical-Scarcity964
I (38F) have been married to my husband (43M) for almost 15 years. My FIL has never really accepted me as family. He referred to me as "my son's wife" for the first 5 years of my marriage and when he convinced us to go halves on a property, he insisted on only his and my husband's names be on a survivors deed, "in case we divorced".
In the last few years, he has struggled financially due mostly to poor choices he made. His wife, husband's step mom, is much older and has medical problems leading him to choose to work mostly from home.
He has traded in vehicles numerous times in the last few years, supposedly trying to lower his payments, but is always upside-down on the loans that it doesn't work. He is paying close to $1000 a month on a minivan. Now here is my problem.
My FIL is currently trying to guilt trip my husband into giving him one of several vehicles I inherited. I had two uncles pass away 3 weeks apart during the holidays more than a year ago and I am still going through the probate process because they passed so close together. I do not have the court's permission to do anything with their vehicles yet.
He told my husband how much it would help him to have one of the vehicles so that he could let his car go back on repo and not have to make the payments. I may have considered it too, if he had waited more than a couple weeks after my both uncles passed away.
I was, quite litterally, knee deep in a horders paradise, trying to clean out their apartment within the month to avoid having to pay rent because I couldnt afford it and had no access to their money (strike one).
He picked out which vehicle he wanted, the most valuable of the 4, rather than asking if we had plans for them yet (strike two). Then he asked my husband to give him said vehicle (strike three). As a cherry on top, asked my husband again (still has never asked me) to give him a $10k vehicle after we pay for all the little repairs it needs, of course.
Here is where I might me the AH: Do I need the vehicle? No. Could I use the money from its sale? Yes, but I could live without it, too, as our finances are better now. Will I sign it over to him? Never.
This is far from the first time that man has shown utter disrespect for me and he can pay for rides before I give him any vehicle. Yes, I am probably being a little childish. The only reason I hesitate, I actually like his wife and it would help her to some extent.
My husband has already told me that the vehicles are mine and I can do whatever I want with them. Since it's been mentioned a few times: he has been bought out on the property and my name added. My husband acts as a buffer against FIL for the sake of my sanity.
He has told FIL multiple times that the vehicles are not his to do anything with, but the man is intentionally dense. His wife cannot legally own a car as it cannot be registered in her name (no license) I will not loan/rent him a vehicle as I can't trust that he will maintain it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Old_Crow13
Don't give that entitled, arrogant, hateful old viper A DAMN THING.
Or be really petty and get him a model car of the one he wants and tell him, here's the only car you're ever gonna get from me.
The OP responded here:
Chemical-Scarcity964
OMG! I love that. I'll have to see if I can find one.
FiddleheadFernly
Make sure you say “From your son’s wife” on the card.
Mentally_Flossed
Make him come to you. Seriously. If he wants something from you, he needs to ask you. Respectfully and after he apologizes for disrespecting you.
jeffprop
NTA. Have your husband tell him that there is nothing he can legally do since they will be in your name so he should ask you personally about it. Then, get out the popcorn and watch him squirm. If FIL objects, have your husband tell him that you will not put the cars in both your names ‘in case there is a divorce’.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: Helping FIL with a vehicle"
Chemical-Scarcity964
You guys asked for an update, so here you go. I have had a long talk with my husband about FIL & his "request" for one of the vehicles I had inherited. I showed him my original post and he got a good laugh out of some of the suggestions (especially the toy car).
We have agreed that the only way to handle his constant hints and requests, is for me to draft an email to him. For reference: FIL loves to send me rude and demanding emails when he "feels unheard."
The email will not be sent until I know that probate is done and is as "polite & civil" as I can possibly write it. The jist of the email I typed up is this:
"I understand that you have been asking husband to gift you one of my uncles' vehicles. Unfortunately, you have chose to speak to the wrong person. I have told you before that, in some things, his business is his and mine is mine.
The vehicles that you keep asking about are mine. As such, I have decided that they will be sold at fair market value. The funds will be split evenly into savings accounts for my daughters, as a seed for their futures.
I already have buyer lined up for the vehicles and will be arranging times for them to be collected shortly. I hope you can understand my desire to ensure that my childrens' futures are secure, as my uncle would have wanted."
I am tempted to sign it as "husband's wife" but am undecided right now.
Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. Your thoughts and support helped me a lot. I was genuinely on the fence as to whether or not I was being too sensitive about everything.
You were all amazing and supportive about the entire mess. I just hope that this email to him puts an end to his covert begging once and for all (at least about this). And yes, my husband is behind me 100% and has no issues with my approach.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
GremlinAtWork
Absolutely sign it "Husband's Wife".
VarnishedTruths
That message is far too long. People like your FIL are not going to hear you until you tell them what they want to hear, so save your breath. Plus, when you give too many details like this, it's JADEing. JADE is Justify, Apologize, Defend, Explain--and it's an excuse for users like your FIL to keep arguing.
You also shouldn't be the one sending the message. This is your husband's father, so it's his problem. A better message would be "Dad, we've got the cars taken care of. We will not be gifting you one.
There's nothing more to discuss about it. (OP's husband)" Now I know you're probably thinking this is too harsh, so ask yourself: why do you feel that way? It's factual and clear. It's not rude or unkind. So what are you scared of?
The OP responded here:
Chemical-Scarcity964
I tend to be a very "wordy" person. That is actually short in comparison to the emails I have received from him in the past. The man honestly thinks he is God's gift to the world. I want the message to come from me because they are my vehicles & I hate that he keeps trying to "go through husband" to get what he wants.
LindonLilBlueBalls
I would seriously have said you should have no problem giving a vehicle to family, but FIL has been very clear you are not family.
busyshrew
Thank God the husband is standing behind his wife on this matter. In so many Reddits, that doesn't happen and the wife is fighting a 2-front war.
congteddymix
Good for OP. Even if she was on good terms with FIL it’s still just good practice to not sell or give vehicles to family or friends for the exact reason that if something goes wrong it can sour a relationship.
Oop already has a sour relationship with FIL. If she gave into his demands and gave him a perfectly fine vehicle he would probably sue her or something when five months or five years down the road the vehicle needs something like tires or brakes.