Woman refuses to let OCD MIL stay with her, says she makes her 'feel poor.' AITA?
'AITA for refusing to let my MIL stay with us because she’s upper class?'
My (29F) husband (30M) grew up with a family with similar amounts of money as mine, but I grew up solidly blue collar/middle class (my dad was a boat repairman with all my uncles) while my husband grew up more in a white collar world, playing polo, sailing, owning horses, etc.
We had a vacation home in a small beach town where we spent our whole summers while my husband's family spent two weeks each summer in the Hamptons. Our families just spent their money differently. We are all still about at the same bracket but act differently.
My husband’s family occasionally visits us since we own a home with a guest room. They are nice but very different. For example, their homes are immaculate - nothing ever out of place, they move very deliberately with everything they do. I’m not dirty at all but will sometimes leave out books I’m reading for a few days and have more clutter.
They don’t swear, ever. I will swear if the situation warrants it (but never like at someone, more when telling a story). They’re just a bit more uptight, which makes it hard for me to be totally authentic with them.
They also judge me when I’m not the same as them. For example, they show up unannounced to drop in. I’m like, “sorry it’s a little messy, we didn’t know you were coming!” They look around and say: “yeah, I see that.” Or when they met my parents and my dad dropped a few f-bombs (at my parents’ house and he had a few beers in him) they were shocked and clearly uncomfortable.
Some dirt gets on the floor from someone’s boots and I don’t pick it up right away? Someone is pointing it out to me instead of just waiting 5 minutes until I finish what I’m doing. Even cooking is different - my family is from Spain so we make (in my opinion) amazing food and go all out, and don’t worry about cleaning until after.
They make very safe meals, like pasta (VERY carefully) and never let a single thing drip out of the sauce pan. Everything is moderated.
My MIL recently asked if she could stay with us for a month. I like my MIL and don’t mind her staying with us occasionally, but I always need to do a deep clean, be super careful of any messes while she’s here, speak in lower tones, and never swear.
It’s like I can only show so much of myself and always need to be careful. I can’t do that for a month. I told my husband no and he got upset. He said I’m more open with my family and I should open up to his family.
I told him I can’t because they say they want to be close, but then judge me every time I do something less classy than them or act different. He told me I need to just ignore them and be myself and allow them to come over. I refused, he’s angry, and now we’re at a stalemate. AITA?
Here were the top comments from readers:
'We had a vacation home in a small beach town where we spent our whole summers while my husbands family spent two weeks each summer in the Hamptons. Our families just spent their money differently.'
I'm sorry, this is not a class issue when you grew up privileged enough to have a f*cking vacation home you lived in all summer. His family is uptight; yours isn't. That's the drama. Cease and desist all claims to being blue collar.
I see this as a good way for them to decide if they REALLY want a closer relationship. Let them come, and be yourself. She doesn’t like the mud the boots tracked in? There’s the broom. Wants to clean the kitchen before eating?
We’ll be eating. Has a judgey look on her face? Ask if there’s a problem. She’ll either start relaxing or she won’t. Either way, you get to keep living your best life (and please invite me to dinner when I’m in the area). NAH.
NTA. Btw, it's not 'classy' to drop by unannounced. Their 'cultured' upper-class ways may be only so much pretense. Go ahead: swear, drop things on the floor, just be yourself in your own home. Either they'll get comfortable, or they can leave.
'He told me I need to just ignore them and be myself and allow them to come over.'
He's 100% right. It's your house, act however tf u please, if ur mil don't like it she can leave. Don't clean until you are ready and want to, if ur mil doesn't like the mess she can clean it herself. Who gives a fk of they judge, let them judge. Stop caring what other ppl think.
ESH. You spent this entire post judging your in laws but are upset that they likely judge you too? I don’t think you should walk around eggshells in your own home, but it doesn’t sound like your in-laws have actually behaved rudely or said anything untoward towards you. Ultimately this is your husbands house too!