Woman stuck with MIL for 5 hours during fiancé's surgery, MIL says, 'I can't trust you.' AITA?
"Fiancé is in surgery, I'm sitting one on one with MIL for 5 hours"
throw7790away
Ok before everyone tells me I have partner problems please know that my fiancé is well aware of my concerns and we are in couples therapy. We've been in counseling before we got engaged to learn how to better communicate.
We talk about his parents/future SIL pretty much every other session and he's learning. We're better than ever and he's also in individual therapy unlearning his people pleasing tendencies and figuring out how to establish boundaries.
He's aware. He just doesn't pick up on the things that I do. But he's working on it. He's a good guy.
Ok anyway, so, my fiancé is getting surgery today and he has to go under anesthesia. (I'm literally writing this live from the hospital cafeteria lol) The hospital is over an hour away from the town where we/MIL live. It was supposed to be just me coming with him but MIL asked him if she could come.
My fiancé knows I'm not a huge fan so he asked me if it was ok if she came. I wanted to scream no but if I were a mom, I'd want to be with my son pre-op too. So I clenched my jaw and said it's fine. I didn't feel as if it were my place to say no. But now I have to sit alone with her for 5 hours.
We get to the hospital, he's back in pre-op for about 30 seconds and she's already criticizing what he wants to wear for our wedding. She said I should "give him some guidance" - I told her that whatever he wants to wear is what he's going to wear.
When we went back to see him before he went into the OR, she made a joke (nobody laughed) that maybe the drugs will make him so loopy she'll be able to get him to agree to this terrible song she wants to dance to for their mother/son dance.
He has explicitly told her multiple times that he doesn't like it and because the moment means so much to him, he wants to find a song that means something to both of them. The song she wants to dance to is literally the first result when you Google "mother groom dance songs"; he hates it. I also hate it but the mother/son dance isn't really something I feel like I get a say in.
She made a comment to fiance saying, "your doctor is really young... has he been doing this long enough?" Like, oh would you like to go back and do the surgery ma'am???
Anyway, she keeps telling him what he should do after he gets home from the surgery. Telling him that he shouldn't run the errands he wants to, what he should eat, telling him he should ask the doctor again if he's allowed to work out (he's not, they literally told us that not even 5 minutes prior) etc. etc.
The surgery is kind of intense but recovery isn't bad. Like he can run to the store if he needs to. So he just kind of brushes her off and she looks at me from across the room and says "See this is why I need to be here. It's a good thing I came", he and I just exchanged a glance.
He put my number down for when the hospital texts us updates. The doctor comes in and asks whose number it is, looking between me and MIL. MIL says "hers, but it's fine" and shoots the doctor a smirk, like she's insulted she's not the emergency contact. Which I'm sure she is, but tough sh*t.
I'm pretending that I have stuff to do for work so I don't have to talk to her. We're literally sitting across from each other right now. My fiancé and I have to stay in the hospital overnight and luckily she's leaving after he wakes up but dear god we've only been here for 2 hours. I'm already ripping my hair out. Am I being too sensitive? These things are rude right?
"Surgery update"
throw7790away
Everything went great! In case anyone was wondering. He’s still fine but we’ve been waiting 2 hours to go back and see him. Which, duh, of course. He just had major surgery, he’s in the recovery area.
I’m fine waiting and letting the hospital staff breathe and do their jobs and letting him rest. However, MIL decided to use the (unattended) desk phone to call the recovery area and ask when we can come see him.
I’m the emergency contact I literally can’t leave the hospital. She can leave and she’s just hovering and bothering poor doctors and nurses who are probably working their a**es off. I’m so embarrassed. My fiancé would be mortified too.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
usererroreverytime
Do we have the same MIL? My fiancé had to have surgery, and since his mother had been completely shut out of all the previous appointments and diagnostics, he thought would be nice to invite her to stay at the hospital during his surgery.
Until she texted me and asked if I was going because she “didn’t mind” if I did. I replied “I am his emergency contact, not only do I have to be there I can’t leave.” Then the surgery got changed to one day earlier, and he decided it would be best not to tell her.
And the day before, we sat down with a lawyer and changed his power of attorney, will, and healthcare proxy. She did not find out until the surgery was over. He’s a keeper.
The OP responded here:
throw7790away
Damn I should do that. She’d probably break down on the floor lol she kept calling him her baby boy after he woke up. Like lady he’s a grown man please stop.
TattooedBagel
You’re a very kind person to consider her feelings about her son going under, and I’m sorry she’s not as conscientious in return 😒 Ugh she sounds like a total pain in the a**.
Only_on_the_Surface
I dealt with this when my SO had surgery. It was during COVID so we couldn't wait in the hospital. She literally called them every ten minutes. It was horribly frustrating. At one point she even suggested I didn't care about him because I wasn't waiting at the curb an hour beside surgery was done. It took everything in me to calmly say "I'm getting off thr phone now in case they call".
tamij1313
Just something to think about for the future… someone said you are the next of kin, but if you are not married, they will not defer to you in an emergency situation. That responsibility will go to his parents unless he has medical directives in writing stating that you are in charge of his medical decisions. At least in the US anyway.
Being someone’s emergency contact is different than being able to make life and death medical decisions for them if they are in a crisis and unable to speak for themselves. In the US-spouse comes first, if no spouse, adult children make decisions, if the children are not adults or incapable then the patient’s parents would be consulted.
Girlfriends/boyfriends fiancé’s or significant others are not legally recognized to make decisions in emergency situations.
mikillbeorn
Exactly. When I had major surgery before my wife and I were married we both did all the paperwork to name each other as power of attorney, medical power of attorney, etc. Neither one of us wanted our parents making any decisions for us in case of something bad happening.
SherLovesCats
I’m glad the surgery went well. I’m sorry she’s still there. There is one good thing that comes from your long day at the hospital with her. If you want kids, you have first hand experience with how awful she is in the hospital. You surely wouldn’t want the staff to have her distracted when new lives are coming into the world.