Daughter runs away with boyfriend; hides from disapproving, worried parents. AITA?
'AITA for refusing to tell my mom my new address?'
I (23f) recently moved in with my boyfriend (23m). We’ve been dating for a couple years now and my parents didn’t know about him. This was because they would not approve for various reasons (different religion/culture/race).
Well they found out. Believe it or not but my mom got suspicious and followed me, saw me with him. They gave me absolute hell and I don’t think I cried that much in years.
The things they said about me and my boyfriend were extremely hurtful and I decided enough was enough. My boyfriend immediately had me move in and my sister helped.
It’s been a couple months now and my mom has cooled down. My dad won’t talk to me but idgaf anymore. My mom and I will have civil conversations though she hasn’t apologized yet for following me (don’t think she ever will).
Anyways, none of them know my address. My sister and friends do, but my parents do not. They have absolutely no idea where I am. And while my mom claimed not to care the first months, she’s began asking me to give her the address so she knows I’m safe and where to look if something ever happened.
Thing is, I don’t want to. She promises she won’t tell my dad until he cools down but I don’t believe her. I also don’t want her to come over and find more things to judge my boyfriend for either. The pros just don’t seem to outweigh the cons for me.
My mom’s really upset about this. She keeps saying that she’s just trying to make sure her daughter is safe and that i don’t understand how scared she is. She said that I’m being inconsiderate towards her and causing her a lot of stress.
My boyfriend said that it’s ultimately my choice but he’d prefer that my dad doesn’t find out. My sister doesn’t know what she’d do but said that our mom is pretty stressed. I feel a little bad but again, I don’t feel it’s worth it. AITA?
Here is what people had to say:
NTA if you think you will be danger from your parents (especially your father) if you tell. I mean, is your culture such that he might come try and retrieve you and/or hurt you or your boyfriend?
If you wouldn't be in any danger, and you are just not telling them to be difficult, than YWBTA. So think about which situation you are in, and if you're not in danger, maybe invite them to dinner and repair the relationship.
NTA. I would emphasize to your mom that she put YOU in danger and drove you out of your family home with her actions. If your boyfriend WAS a danger to you, she's made it impossible for you to trust her as a source of help.
If your safety was an actual concern of hers, she wouldn't have driven you out of her home and ruined your relationships with your parents. It's pretty ballsy of her to say she's worried about your safety NOW when she's upended your life.
As she doesn’t know the boyfriend, I understand if your mom is a little stressed.
A couple of solutions you could try: Tell your mom that the stress she is feeling is entirely on her. Because if she hadn't treated you the way she did, you wouldn't feel so unsafe giving her your address.
Tell her to stop harassing people for your address, and warn her that if she continues to do so you will have no choice but to limit contact. Whether that means you going low contact or no contact, doesn't matter. But you have to place that boundary and follow through.
Give your sister a fake address she can tell your mom. That way, your mom won't get your real address and your sister gets a free out if your mom drops by for an unannounced visit. She can just claim that's the address she was given, and feign ignorance to the real one.
If you live in an apartment building with a front desk and security, tell them not to let your parents in and give them a picture of your parents.
Overall, setting the boundary and sticking to it is usually the best option. But if it isn't, no one would blame you for using deception. Also, even if you don't do any of this other stuff, talk to your landlord about the doorknob and the deadbolt anyway. You'd be seriously shocked by how many people don't replace those things. It's crazy.
'My boyfriend said that it’s ultimately my choice but he’d prefer that my dad doesn’t find out lol.' I was on your side until this line. What is the lol for? Are you getting a kick out of rebellion and putting your bf in an unsafe situation? I'd say YTA.