'AITA for leaving a note on my neighbor’s doorstep about his screaming children?'
"AITA for leaving a note on my neighbor’s doorstep about his screaming children?"
I have lived in the same apartment building for about five years. Throughout my time here, I’ve had many neighbors come and go, and I have never had any noise issues. However, last year, a new neighbor moved in three units down.
He’s about 40 and has three children under the age of 4. For months, I have listened to his children scream/cry all day long, whether it be in his apartment or in the hallway.
At first, I tried to ignore the behavior as I felt bad (it appeared he was a newly single father and was struggling). However, as time went on, it became clear that he just straight up lets his kids behave however they want.
For example, when they shriek at the top of their lungs in the hallway/right outside my door, he never says “shhh let’s be quiet” or anything at all. He just lets it happen without a peep.
Additionally, I have come to realize the frequency and the volume of the screaming/crying/shrieking is way beyond what is normal. I’d venture to say I hear anywhere from 10-15 full on tantrums every single day. All of which are ear piercingly loud. And like I said, he does not say or do anything about these tantrums.
It’s now at the point where I find myself frustrated and annoyed in my own home all the time. Right now, I’m working on a paper in my apartment and I can’t even concentrate because all I can hear are his children.
Because of this, I wrote a note (a polite note) and left it on his door step. Essentially, my note said that I sympathized with him, but the noise is out of control. I also stressed that I wanted to confront him directly first (I realize that sounds hypocritical since I left an anonymous note) rather than going straight to management. AITA for leaving this note? Should I have handled it differently?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this first post:
Whether divorced or widowed, both circumstances come with the possibility of problematic outcomes, which seems to have happened.
NTA, but walk a mile in his shoes. It has to suck, raising three children under the age of 4 alone. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. You didn't. But put on your empathy shoes and dig deep - this person has a seriously shitty situation and doesn't have the means or a handle on how to make things better.
The kids are acting out over loss of their mother, whether from death or divorce. The guy isn't coping well, whether from death or divorce. I hope your note sparked something in the guy's brain that said 'there's a problem here that needs to be addressed.' And if not, expect more noise. Sorry. :)
NTA. Sounds like you did the right thing.
YTA what do you think he’s going to do exactly with 3 children under 4? Spend all day elsewhere so you can be comfortable? You live in a shared space - get ear plugs.
I lived in apartments 40 years ago. It sucks. Now you have ear plugs, ear buds, noise canceling headphones. You can walk around with your fancy dr Dre beats whatever and iphone music, podcasts, Spotify. You don’t know how good you have it compared to the olden days.
I thought you meant combined? Like each one having 4 or 5? That is totally normal. It depends on the kid’s natural temperament though. I’m sure some kids have none. It’s not something the parent is doing wrong though, it’s biological temperament. Something tells me by “professionals” you mean Google
8 days later, OP returned with an update:
After reading the comments on my original post, I decided to remove the note before my neighbor saw it. I took what some of you said into consideration: perhaps I just needed to be more patient. I decided if the noise issue escalated, then I’d do something. Otherwise, I would just suck it up (and use headphones like some of you advised).
Well, today, his children screamed/shrieked four times within a one hour period in the hallway. This was right by my door about two feet away from my apartment. The fourth time it happened, I opened my door and said “please don’t scream in the hallway, guys!”
Once I said this, he told me that his kids are allowed to scream in the hallway (or anywhere else in the building) that they feel like. I told him that actually, no, they’re not, according to our lease. He then told me to suck it up and to contact management and to not talk to him.
After our conversation, he told all three of his kids “you can be as loud as you want in here!” and then shot me a nasty look, and proceeded to walk to the stairs. Once he said that, all three kids started squealing as loud as possible, on purpose.
I sent management an email and they are talking to him first thing in the morning. I know some of you suggested I do this in the first place- I wish I did!
An hour later, OP updated to share how their conversation with management went.
I just went down to the management office to follow up with the manager. She said she had a meeting set for today at 1pm with the resident (she immediately contacted him when I emailed her last night).
But then today, he emailed her saying he could no longer make the 1pm meeting and asked why he had to come down (he’s in his apartment right now doing nothing… he doesn’t work). She told him he is in violation of his lease and it’s best if he comes down.
Apparently, he didn’t reply to her. She told me that if he doesn’t come down to meet with her, she is going to draft an official lease violation letter and begin the process of eviction. I was blown away (she’s a great manager).
She told me that his reaction (telling me his kids are allowed to yell & and telling the kids to keep yelling) is the reason for how she’s handling this, not purely the noise complaint. She said she’s horrified and disgusted that somebody would handle the situation this way.
Her and I both agreed that it was strange he would encourage me to “not speak to him” and to “contact management” rather than just simply telling his kids “shhhh” and appreciating I said something to him directly.
OP again returned with an update the next day:
After I talked with management, I saw my neighbor bring his children to their mother’s house. He’s been in his apartment, alone, for the last few days and hasn’t come out.
He has all the blinds drawn. He posted the following status on social media “I am the perfect success in all areas of life” (my husband follows him, which is how I know this). I think he’s pretending he’s not home to avoid both myself and management. Idk what to make of it and I don’t plan on getting involved.
More about the neighbor:
My neighbor in general is friendly-ish, but really awkward. He’s not a talkative guy and avoids social interaction (for example, if somebody takes the elevator, he starts walking in the other direction toward the stairs).
However, sometimes he’s stuck socializing when he clearly doesn’t want to (since we live in an apartment building). My husband is extremely outgoing/social (me, not so much) so he’s been able to have quite a few conversations with him over the past year. I only had an actual conversation with him once.
I never assumed he would react the way he did. If anything, he seemed like the type who would be meek and embarrassed when confronted. So I was super surprised by his reaction. So was my husband. In addition to his post about being “perfect” he made another post saying “overthinking is a disease.” I honestly think the guy is just really socially inept.'
OP again returned, clearly proud of themselves for seemingly winning this battle:
I’m assuming management got in contact with him (either in person, over email, or via a paper notice) and notified him that he violated his lease and he needs to fix the issue or else he will be evicted. And I’m assuming he said okay. But I don’t know for sure. I haven’t heard his kids scream in the hallway since the incident, which is relieving.
However, the other day, we were both in the hallway at the same time (he had taken the stairs and I had taken the elevator) and made direct eye contact. It was so awkward.
Neither of us said anything/just unlocked our apartment doors in silence. Although, when he opened his door, his kids were screamingggggggg at the top of their lungs inside. I just laughed to myself and went inside- he can deal with the screaming in his apartment all he wants, I’m just happy I don’t have to hear it in my hallway anymore (hopefully).
Here were the top rated comments after these multiple updates from OP:
Better take some recordings as proof, otherwise “loud” is subjective.
You should also get a cheap decibel meter and record the noise volumes when his kids are being loud. Document Document Document
If you can prove a behavior of excess noise over time, it will help give the management team the ammunition they need to force him out of the complex/building
Record for your evidence and if it continues have the property manager come by while its happening..
Giving him the benefit of the doubt wasn't a mistake in my opinion. Now you have confirmation he is a AH, let management deal with him.
This is actually a safety issue as well. In a previous place I lived, the next door kids were constantly running around playing, screaming, etc. So often, in fact, that I eventually tuned them out, and stopped registering the screaming, for the most part.
The problem came when my roommate was mugged in our driveway. I was home, but didn't immediately register her screams as out of the ordinary because I was so desensitized to screaming due to the neighbor kids. Thankfully, she only had minor injuries, but obviously it could have been much worse.
If everyone around you/them gets desensitized to screaming, nobody will know when something real/bad is actually happening.