"AITA for having a 'better' wedding than my sister-in-law?"
II'm (29f) from a middle-class family and have an older brother (35m), let's call him Adrian. He is a self-taught software engineer and makes pretty good money.
A little over 1 year ago he married his girlfriend (28f) of 6 years, let's call her Heather. She's not a bad person but I think she's a little bit spoiled. She's the type that loves to brag about all the expensive stuff her husband bought her and their wedding was pretty extravagant.
She still loves to talk about how it was the most amazing wedding she's 'ever been to'. My brother is kind of wrapped around her finger but it never really mattered until now.
I met my fiancee(36m) about 4 years ago. It was a business event and he owns a decently sized and very successful company. So saying that, he's extremely wealthy. Since he grew up less-than he loves to spend his money on things him and his family could only dream about before.
One of those things is, of course, our wedding. He wants to go all out and hired a somewhat well-known wedding planner to arrange everything. Honestly, I'm pretty excited. I never dreamed of such a luxurious wedding but now that it's happening it feels like I'm living some wild dream I never even dared have. Like textbook fairytale.
Recently I was at a family gathering and was hanging out in the living room with my mom and Heather doing 'girl talk'. My mom started asking me how the planning was going and when I told her about everything we were doing I could see Heather go pale and then extremely red in the face. She was quiet for the rest of the night.
The next day Adrian called me and said that Heather was extremely upset and felt like I was trying to one-up her wedding. She said I was trying to 'up stage' her because I never expressed desire for a 'fancy' wedding before.
He asked me if we could tone it down so it doesn't exceed the budget they had for their own wedding. I laughed because honestly I couldn't believe what I was hearing and then I naturally said no. He sounded upset and hung up.
A few hours later Heather calls and she starts yelling at me, repeating mostly the same stuff, saying she knew I was always jealous of her and I'm only with my fiancee because he's rich and I want to rub it in her face. And that she won't even come to the wedding now.
That made me snap and I said 'if you're that obsessed with money maybe you should have married someone else instead of my brother, if anyone's jealous of someone it's you', she screamed at me and started crying before hanging up.
Now Adrian is angry and calling me an AH for insinuating she shouldn't have married him, and my parents think I was too harsh on her when I 'know she's always been material' and are asking me to lower our wedding budget to appease her. I don't want to. My fiancee definitely doesn't want to. But I don't know if that makes me an AH or not?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
INFO: How much are you spending on your wedding?
I would rather not say. But it's s destination wedding and all the travel/accommodation for guests will be paid (plus s venue there) so quite a lot.
curiousbandage7 writes:
NTA. Bad behavior should not be appeased. It should be ignored or called out, depending on circumstances. Shame on your parents and brother for being mad at the unwitting boat rocker.
Hold your course . Your wedding has nothing to do with hers. Weddings are joyous celebrations to be shared whether the budget is $1,000 or 50,000. You are having the wedding you want and it’s not a competition and its too bad she is causing family discord .
The issue is how you keep your family peaceful and together in the face of her polarizing bad behavior and lack of apparent shame. Probably best you ignore her unreasonable demands and offer the true and simple observation that your wedding has nothing to do with hers and its a shame she has made it a competition.
lavenderbelle writes:
Yeah seriously. Is this girl delusional? I can’t believe people actually think so highly of themselves that they believe others are planning major life events around them or based on them. Why would OP’s wedding have anything to do with this girl? It’s really pathetic.
OP, NTA at all. Truthfully, this girl will probably be a thorn in your side for the entire duration of your planning and the wedding itself, souring it for others. If I were you, former bride to bride, girl to girl, I would uninvite this chick and have the time of your life. It’s about you, not her.
bjoked8 writes:
NTA. I think something that's often forgotten in these discussions is that it's a wedding for two people. Just because you didn't care about a fancy fairytale wedding your whole life, doesn't mean your fiance isn't entitled to the wedding of his dreams.
That could be an effective diversion too: tell her he's paying for his dream wedding, and you're not going to rain on his parade just to appease her... although there is potential of it backfiring, as it could just redirect her anger to him. Just a thought.
NTA and honestly if I was your brother I’d be upset that my wife can only feel happy about their wedding so long as no one has a wedding more expensive than them… It’s hard to believe there are people out there that feel this entitled and self-centered.
Maybe you never talked about an extravagant wedding being your dream, but this is your fiancée’s wedding too and this is his dream and it’s making you happy to do it with him. That being said, there’s no need to talk in front of her about how much is being spent etc..
Also, as someone has been to weddings of all different budgets, the best weddings are always the ones with good music, an open bar (and enough bar service to avoid long lines) and easy access to the bathrooms.
No one really pays attention to anything else. I’ve been to extravagant weddings where I had to walk up a hill to the bathroom and felt like half my night was spent navigating that walk. Or a wedding where they did not give the DJ enough instructions and the music really went off the rails. But good luck, congratulations and I hope your family stops enabling your childish SIL!
Oh I never mentioned the budget! I didn't put this in the post because honestly I guess a part of me does feel like an a^%$le for the sudden wealth (even though it's not mine).
My fiancee always wanted a destination wedding somewhere tropical but he knows how expensive to that is to attend so he's paying for everyone's flights/accommodations. When she heard that, she kinda knew the amount of money spent is large. And thank you for the well-wishes!
I feel like getting to your wedding is going to be expensive and the venue is expensive and naturally gorgeous, but that your tastes are probably completely different. I’m getting a classy, modern, elegant, refined vibe from you (mixed with tropical would be timeless and luxurious) and you won’t need much adornment to make it wedding beautiful.
I feel like your SIL believes that more is more and probably had a blinged out, farmhouse style wedding, even though she’s no farmer. I say you go so simple yet ultra lux that she can’t even fathom the money spent on your wedding because she doesn’t just doesn’t understand how such a refined wedding could cost more than hers.
Like your dress could be a simple and form fitting silk gown but it cost 8 times what hers did because it’s the most gorgeous silk and was hand made by Buddhist monks in Nepal from silk worms they farm and raise by hand themselves. Some crazy stuff like that!
Or you could go very eco friendly and try to source eco friendly wedding stuff which usually costs more! Even better reason to shop for a vintage designer wedding gown! Many happy years to you and your husband!
That was pretty on point! I mean her wedding was still gorgeous but it definitely was more on the "blinged out" side. Our venue is gorgeous by itself so all we'll really add is s variety of lights (like fairy lights for example) so make it look magical, we'll add some color with flowers and there will be a bunch of knick knacks (for example audio guest book etc).
But our styles are definitely different. I don't think that's what really matters to her though. I also love your idea, it made me chuckle! And thank you for all the well-wishes!