Couple struggling to conceive; wife says, 'you can't force me to lie to my OBGYN.'
When this husband is upset with his wife while they're trying to get pregnant, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for asking my wife to visit her OBGYN after we have been having trouble conceiving?"
As the totals suggests, I [28m] and my wife [27f] have been trying for a child for about 6 months. There are a couple factors at play here as to why we may be having difficulties, so my thought is to rule out as much as possible.
She has a bleeding disorder and a family history of ovarian cysts, and I am a bit concerned about whether or not we will even be able to have children.
Yesterday, we found out that for yet another month, we were unsuccessful. In my frustration, I put my hands on my head and she immediately followed with “why are you making this about you?” I tried to explain that I was struggling with each month getting our hopes up and that she probably felt the same way.
She didn’t want to hear my side and it ended in an argument about how I “make it about me.” I can understand how I could have put my feelings aside, but in the moment after hearing a “no” again, I was a bit distraught. I followed up by suggesting that she go and get a check up.
For the last 9 months she has been without insurance (quit her job to pursue a dream of hers, and has no benefits). I recently was able to get her on my benefits, and so this is a possibility. She is making the claim that it is her body, and that it is her decision. I can’t force her to go get checked up.
Her big Hangup is that doctors typically say that you need to try to conceive for 1 year before bothering them with any concerns of issues with pregnancy. We are at month 6. She says I shouldn't force her into this. I suggested that my wife tell a white lie (how will they know when we started anyway?) in order to find out if there are any issues with her bleeding disorder, or cysts.
She again reiterated that it isn’t my choice, and that she wanted to wait for a year. Again, I am only hoping to rule out medical concerns for conceiving. I in no way an accusatory or think that it is “her fault.” Hell, the problem might even be me? But AITA for asking or requesting that she goes and gets a checkup for issues conceiving?
Let's see what Redditors had to say.
minsora writes:
YTA for two reasons, a) don't lie to doctors about how long you've been trying to conceive, they say 12 months because that's a reasonable amount of time that there might be an issue, so don't waste their time and b) you don't seem to care about getting yourself checked out?
You say it could be your fault, so you should be jumping in to get yourself checked too. Wait 6 more months as is recommended, if nothing happens, you can both go and get tests.
nepotischemis disagrees:
NTA. My wife and I had issues conceiving. We both got checked. And we both were the problem. My wife had the same issues that your wife has. And my boys weren't swimming well. We went through a few rounds of IUI and now have twins.
They generally wont start alternate treatment until a year of trying, but either of you CAN GET TESTED AT ANY TIME. And there is the possibility they will start alternate treatment earlier if they decide the issues are serious enough.
I recommend you get checked as well. Tell her you'll get check if she does too. The problem is it's kind of an ego check. Nobody wants to be the 'problem.' Its an indirect attack on our man/woman-hood to not be able to reproduce.
If you come out and say 'hey this looks like it's your fault. Go get it check out,' that really sucks to hear. Your wife is TA for refusing to get checked, but some more support on your end would help ease her down I'm sure. You're NTA for suggesting it, but you go get checked too.
inthekerno writes:
YTA because you are putting a ton of pressure on her shoulders. Trust me, she is already feeling pressure and the last place she needs it to come from is you. NTA because this situation just sucks.
As someone who has a very similar health history to your wife (abnormal bleeding and cysts), I can tell you that dealing with doctors is a nightmare and the thought of going through fertility testing was devestating.
If your wife is anything like me, she has learned over the years that when it comes to reproductive and menstrual issues, going to the doctor gets you nowhere and leaves you feeling pretty useless. Let her go in her timeframe.
A year is not too long. And when you do go, be a support for her no matter the results. And like everyone else has said, get yourself checked too. Giving at least the illusion that you don't think this is just her problem will go a long way to make her feel better.