'AITA for not wanting my son to live with me full time?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting my son to live with me full time?"
I 33M had a kid in high school with my high school sweetheart. We didnt stay together but we coparent our son 'Mike' pretty well. He is now 16 and starting his junior year of high school.
There's no official custody child support agreement but we do every other week, her house or mine. My ex just got married and is moving in with her husband soon. He seems like a good guy and he has twin 8 year old boys.
Apparently Mike isn't a book fan of his soon to be stepdad and thinks the twins are annoying. He told me when they move he'd rather just live with me full time and he said he told his mom and she was upset but would let him make his own decision.
The thing is I actually enjoy this every other week thing a lot. I love having my own place half the time. I have a GF who is here probably 70% of the time Mike is at his mom's but not too much when he's here just to give him more room.
I also have some friend's over semi regularly on the weekends that Mike isn't here. This setup works for me.
I told Mike I didn't think it was a good idea and he should try and build a relationship with his new stepfamily. He said he's going to college in 2 years so he just has no desire for that. I really don't want to mess with the current 'custody' situation but then part of me feels like Im being a crappy dad for that.
For those asking, the stepdad isn't a%$#@e or anything and they don't even fight. He's just a super talkative guy and Mike thinks he's annoying and doesn't want to give living with him a shot. If he did it for 6 months and still hated it, Id let him move in full time if his mom approved it. As of now she was very sad about the request. She is a great mother.
Here's what people had to say:
largefootd writes:
NTA. Your concerns about free time for you while your son is a minor are unsympathetic, and should not factor in to custody arrangements.
However, given that your son’s concerns are about being annoyed by the new person—ie, totally minor—letting your son reject his mother,stepfather, and step siblings in this way would not be responsible parenting.
These family members will be around for the rest of his life. It will be best to form a relationship with the new ones, and keep a good relationship with his mother, and if he needs help integrating, there should be family therapy. NTA.
redditdk2 writes:
ESH - you don't want your son full time because it messes up your free time? You aren't going to get a lot of sympathy for that. Parents are supposed to put their children first.
However I also don't like the concept that kids should just be allowed to move completely out of one parent's home because someone is 'annoying'. Both parents should be allowed to have relationships with the son and the son does not get to be in charge.
It's one thing to want to move because of abuse, lack of resources or if his needs aren't being met - but none of this seems to be the case. Why in the world are you and his mother allowing him to call the shots?
ksnitter writes:
YTA. His mom getting married is a big deal. He might also see red flags with stepdad that he is old enough to feel something is off but not understand what. There could be the, hey you will be the live in babysitter' thing too.
He has 2 options mom or dad and you are rejecting him because... You want to hang with friends? Like the single life? He is a teen, he may decide he doesn't like living with you and move back in a year. Let him move in.
Update the next day from OP after reading the comments:
Did not expect things to blow up so much overnight. I was giving my personal reasons to make this as honest as I can be. That doesn't mean I dont care about other things such as his mom's relationship with him and him learning to adapt to change.
His mother and I are going to discuss this more before I talk to Mike more about it. Im thinking of something like at least 6 months trying it out with our current arrangement. And while he's at my place half the time living more like I do when he's not here so he can see how it would be if he were here full time.
I had a call with my SO last night and she said she will start coming over more when Mike is here as we may get married in the next year or so and I want him to realize things wouldnt be just like the weeks he's here if he were to live with me full time.