Guest discovers she was invited to the bridal shower and NOT the wedding, 'I'm not a team player.' UPDATED

"I was invited to a shower then discovered I was not invited to the wedding."

I have a tight group of friends who met through our kids when they were little about 20 years ago. We travel together, hang out together, etc. The oldest kid of this friend group is getting married. Yay. I received an invitation to her bridal shower in the mail.

A few days later, I got a text from her mom saying she felt terrible but they couldn't afford to invite every member of the friend group to the wedding and she was so sorry. She knows I will understand and support the daughter despite not being included in the big day. This is, of course, true.

So. Here's the tricky part. I wasn't told who was or was not invited from our friend group. We were all invited to the shower (it's being thrown by a few of the other moms in the group) despite not knowing who did or did not make the wedding list.

I understand in my head that this is their way of including everyone in an event to celebrate a kid of one of us, but holy crap is it awkward. If I decline the invitation, I'll look like I'm not a team player and being petty.

People, for the love of god, unless it's in a church basement or work conference room, do not invite people to a shower who aren't invited to the wedding. I'm planning to go, give a gift, and try to not talk about the wedding itself if I can avoid it.

UPDATE:

Okay, I just got back from the shower! First, I looove all the input - thank you each for sharing! I've tried to read all the responses but might have missed a few. Some info and intel I gathered at the shower:

1) so many responses said not to go. While always an option, I would have been the only one out of ten of us who didn't show. I was not up for making that kind of statement. We really are close friends.

2) Six out of ten of the group were not invited to the wedding. The bride choose to include her friends over family friends and I am 100% there for that decision but MOB should have set her straight about the shower invites.

3) I brought a gift that is deeply sentimental to our friendship group with a nice card that included the line "I can't wait to see all the pictures!" I feel good about that little bit of snark.

INTEL:

learned that one of the friend group, upon hearing that she wasn't invited to the wedding, offered to host a small gathering to celebrate the kid as it's the first of all of them to get married and a big deal for us (god, we're old now).

She meant for it to be a cocktail party or game night (nostalgic) but the bride and MOB responded by asking for them to host the ladies' shower. I live in the South and the this shower is a whole thing.

I blame my friend for saying yes - huge error. She could have nipped this whole thing in the bud by saying no, that's not what I meant. I now know who was and wasn't invited and we all learned to never, ever let this happen again.

No one felt good about any of it - it was really weird from start to finish but I drank bubbly and made a wedding dress out of toilet paper so not a total loss.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Ipso-Pacto-Facto said:

Just rsvp no. “Wish I could attend but duty calls! Every happiness to you!” That’s the polite thing to do. Tacky to invite to a shower but not a wedding. So tacky.

byteme747 said:

This is a gift grab. Send your regrets and be done with it. Simple. If you REALLY feel compelled to get a gift get a small one and that's it. An invite is just that. It's not a summons.

Pizza_Head1223 said:

My future MIL invited people to my bridal shower that were not invited to the wedding. I was mortified! When I asked her why she did that, she said she didn’t know what the problem was or why I was so upset.

damiansomething said:

Completely different view on the situation: YTA. The parents got a certain amount of guests approved by the bride and groom, and they couldn’t invite you due to that limit but if they had more they would. Don’t take it personally but weddings are expensive events that are supposed to celebrate the couple being married. Who don’t really care to much about their parents friends being there.

For all those saying it’s a “gift grab”. Who cares? you get go to some dinner party, hang with your friends, and have to pay for your share with a gift of some kind. The parents didn’t want to fully exclude you so they are trying to accommodate you in part of the festivities but also just don’t want you to feel Left out, as others in the friend group are going. Are people really making that much money off these things?

Born_Ad_8370 said:

I don’t think of it that way. I’d be more upset at being completely left out than only being invited to one of several wedding-related events. As for what you say at the event? It’s only weird if you make it weird. “We understand completely that they’re keeping the guest list small, and we’re so happy to celebrate them here today. Now where’s the champagne?” :)

When I got married, we kept the wedding itself small and our parents invited all of their friends to a couple of pre-wedding parties. When my son got married a month ago, they only wanted very close family and their own friends.

There were plenty of people her parents wanted to invite, but couldn’t, so they were invited to the shower and pre-wedding party to celebrate the happy couple. My husband and I don’t have local friends so it was a non-issue for us.

Heresthething4u2 said:

A bridal shower is a chance to be a part of celebrating the bride and their wedding together as friends and it rolls over into the wedding ceremony/reception. This is the tackiest invitation I have ever seen, ESPECIALLY being a close friend. You're invited to celebrate the bride but you're not invited to celebrate WITH the bride.

This is nothing more than a gift grab. Why would you even bother going? Such an awkward place to be at the shower where it's an event to talk about the wedding...... and the Mom TEXTS you and uninvites you? WHO DOES THAT?

There's absolutely no reason for you to go unless you're okay feeling awkward and having the wedding events rubbed in your face. And just think people there are going to know you're not invited. Wish the bride well when you see her out in public, that's all she deserves.