Woman is invited to a wedding 'with a HUGE catch,' 'I'm in utter shock.' UPDATED 4X

"Invited to a wedding, but there's a huge catch and I'm in utter shock..."

I was so happy to see a wedding invitation in my mailbox. I pulled it out and a little note fell out on an index card but I looked at the invitation first. It was truly beautiful and I immediately stuck it to my fridge like the work of art it was.

It was addressed to my husband and me and I was beyond stoked. I love weddings. I tend to get teary-eyed and smile until my face hurts at the joy of new beginnings and all the love. I was even a wedding singer...that's how much I love them.

I picked up the notecard and read that and while my husband was invited...I'd be in another room helping to babysit all the children there with several other female invitees. There's a special room for children at the church and that's where I'd be.

For everything. I'd still need to dress for a wedding in case I wind up in any photos, but I'd be taking my reception meal with the children and I'd be with all the kids for the ceremony. Then there was a link for their gift registry.

Oh, and the meals for my husband and myself would be $100.00 each and we have a link to pay it when we digitally RSVP. And it costs money to RSVP on the website they've chosen.

The first problem here is that I am disabled at 50 years old. Legally. I use oxygen. I use a walker when I need to walk long distances. I sometimes have to give up the walker entirely and use a wheelchair. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I could happily sit in a room and LOOK at kids but I'd be pretty useless to prevent a fall or stop a child from choking or anything else that would require me to move quickly.

Second, my husband isn't the one who has been friends with these people since childhood. I am. Why would he be invited to watch the ceremony and be part of the reception but not me? My husband said he'd happily watch the kids and let me attend the wedding and reception but the invitation specified that only a few other FEMALE invitees would be watching the kids so I doubt they'd let him.

It's just the pure audacity for me. They expect me to not only pay for a meal that I have to eat while watching kids...but also get them a gift and dress up just in case I happen to be captured in photos.

I know them because the bride's mom and I were besties growing up. Our mothers were the very best of friends and it made us become like sisters. Our birthdays are four days apart in the same year. We've been friends our entire lives.

We went to school together, graduated together, and got married in the same year. The bride is like an unofficial goddaughter for us and we've been there for all her big milestones. She even met her fiance at a cookout at our house (we're related to the groom via marriage.) So this is a big old slap in the face. I don't even know what to think.

We're all American. They've rented a Southern Baptist church but none of us are overly religious so that isn't the reason for this. It's not a cultural thing. It's just a tacky thing. I don't even know how to process all of this. I'm angry and sad and feel disrespected and ... ughh. Just ugh.

UPDATE:

I spoke to my friend (the mother of the bride) and I'm pretty upset. I've been bawling for most of the day. She called and said that they were getting a lot of backlash from the wedding guests. No one wants to pay $100 for dinner and only three of the women asked were okay with babysitting.

I told her I understood that the guests were upset because it's just tacky to 1) be asked to pay and 2) be TOLD you are invited but only to babysit. I told her I would not be a babysitter. At all. No. Just no.

She got mad and brought up how we were lifelong friends. She said I'd be helping them more by babysitting than I'd be helping by simply sitting in a pew watching. I reminded her that I couldn't physically help at ALL due to, you know, being legally disabled.

She said they completely understood that and expected me to simply "supervise" the other sitters since they trusted me most. Again, I told her that I felt it was insulting to be volun-told (thanks, internet, for that word) that I'd be babysitting and that I had no desire to do that, especially not dressed in formal wear.

THEN we got to the truth. She said that she didn't know if I'd be in a wheelchair that day or require a walker. That's fair. I don't always know which one I'll need. She said that they wanted everyone in pews for the wedding video and me sitting in a wheelchair would make me stick out and ruin video/photos.

I said, "If I need a wheelchair that day then I can move to a pew and my husband can put the wheelchair in another room or back in our car. I may not even need it that day." Then she says, "Well, space is limited in the pews. You would take up the space of two people with your purse and oxygen tank."

I said, "No, I would not. I wouldn't bring a purse in and the oxygen tank either sits on my lap or between my feet." (it's like a little backpack.) Then she said, "Well, having you in oxygen in the photos would be distracting from the other people."

And there you have it. Words were exchanged and she hung up on me. I haven't been removed from any social media YET but I fully expect to be. I already feel awful for being this way at only 50 years old. I didn't choose this. I didn't want this. If she thinks its awful to having it photographed ... just imagine living with it. Which is what I told her before she hung up on me. I'm devastated. Just devastated.

SECOND UPDATE:

I'm not in the greatest headspace. I don't think I've ever been less okay, honestly. I did not register to RSVP or communicate with them further. Until ... another invitee got in touch with me and said that the mother of the bride, a person I thought of as basically my sister, was badmouthing me into the ground.

I explained my side and our mutual friend was livid. They told the mother of the bride and the bride that they were wrong to want to exclude me because I might or might not need a wheelchair and would have oxygen on my face. I could remove the oxygen for photos, they told her.

So, the mother of the bride sent me a message saying...and I quote, "Well, if you're going to be butthurt about the aesthetic we want to achieve and try to turn other guests against us then you can come and sit in a pew. But not in photos. And we'll try to get the videographer to do edits to the wedding vid, too. But I won't forget how you made this difficult for us."

I replied, "How did I make it difficult other than existing?" She replied, "You clearly told ***** about what I told you regarding your wheelchair and oxygen. And she's telling everyone else. We're getting a ton of hate."

I said, "She asked me if I was attending and I told her no and explained why. I didn't lie to her. I told her exactly what you said. You didn't tell me not to tell anyone your reasons. If they're valid reasons to you then you shouldn't care who knows."

So, I'm now blocked. By the bride, the mom, the dad, and the groom. A friendship I've had my entire life is over. A goddaughter that I helped nurture and care for is just gone now.

We paid for the bride's car insurance, gas, and cell phone all through high school and college because we wanted her focused on just her studies and not a part-time job (her parents got her a car but insisted she work but her grades fell when she did and we helped her)...and this is how they thank us.

This is how they repay our kindness. I guess I'm a great friend when I'm giving money ... but I'm not good enough to be seen. I've felt like a burden my whole life and this has set me back so far. I'm just not okay.

THIRD UPDATE:

The wedding was today. Friends rented a big cabin venue about 20 minutes from the wedding venue and everyone who was offended over being asked to pay at the reception and babysit or serve the food (yes, several people got invitations telling them they were invited, but would be serving food at the reception they paid to eat at) got together at the cabin.

Me included. I was on the fence about going because I really didn't want to sit there and talk about everything and rehash it but that wasn't my experience at all. I had a truly lovely time. My husband and I even danced to our wedding song! And I had mixed drinks! Quite a few so forgive me if this has typos. LOL!

Two of the bridesmaids opted out of the wedding over mistreatment and, without anyone knowing, they sent letters to all the guests who had been invited to tell them what went down with me and others being asked to babysit/be servers.

Those guests were given the address of the cabin. They were the two bridesmaids who addressed all the envelopes and still had the guest list, from what they told me. Anyway, we had a great time. There were about 80 of us before all was said and done, though I didn't take a head count. It was PACKED.

Several people went to the wedding but didn't attend the reception (they refused to pay for their meal) and came to our get-together instead. Including the two bridesmaids who told me all about what I was being called and the story of how I was trying to ruin their wedding because I was jealous of their good health.

The bridesmaids who backed out of the wedding due to bridezilla behavior were posting a ton of pics of all of us dancing and eating (we all chipped in $$ weeks ago for catering and booze) and was seen by my ex-bestie because she unblocked me.

(I unblocked her weeks ago in the hope that she'd come around, much as I'm loathe to admit it) and called me to tell me off again. I told her I didn't plan the alternate reception but I was invited and came because they didn't care about my health or me ruining any photos, just me having a good time.

Apparently, the wedding was "ruined" because of me. They had invited hundreds of people and the church wasn't even halfway full. And the reception had less than 30 people (so that's $3000 the guests paid) when the food and liquor cost around $15,000 and it's my fault they're eating that cost now.

They likened me to the antichrist and the devil and claimed I had to be possessed to do this to a young girl and the groom, when he's a member of my family. I said, "I didn't do anything. I told the truth and if the truth hurts you then maybe you were wrong to do it. Did you consider that?"

She hung up on me and started calling others and demanding the address so they could come to the actual reception. No one gave it to her. I just got home at 11:00 pm. It was a great day. I laughed.

I even felt up to dancing a little (I had good news! I don't need my oxygen all the time now and just at night via CPAP or after exercise and I have been going to the pool and doing senior aquatics - as much as I can - and it's helped so much with my breathing and my mobility!

I can walk around the whole grocery store now without needing to sit down on my walker! I still use the walker for long periods due to dizziness from Meniere's Disease but I think I'm doing better! At least, I'm trying! I feel very proud of myself, friends!)

Anyway, the wedding still happened but they didn't have the numbers they expected and I've heard that someone suggested they donate the excess food instead of throwing it away but they didn't. Which sucks because I just know that firemen, or police, or the hospital, or the homeless shelter would have been so happy to get it.

I think I'm doing better mentally after today because everyone who talked to me told me it was wrong to exclude me because of my wheelchair or oxygen. I did have my walker with me today but not my wheelchair OR an oxygen tube.

I had it in my car just in case I needed it and there were a couple of times I could have used it but I was determined not to be in any pics with it out of pure spite. I also wore the pretty dress I bought for the wedding and had many compliments. I'm still hurt and angry and miss having that closeness with their family but I'm going to be okay. And that's a wrap.

FINAL UPDATE:

I got a call today from a mutual friend. She warned me that the bride and her mother are lawyer shopping to find representation to sue me "into oblivion" for this post, the abysmal attendance at the wedding, and for the alternative reception/party that I attended the day of the wedding.

Mind you, I simply told the truth when asked why I wasn't going to the wedding. And I did NOT plan the party that happened on the same day of the wedding. Another friend planned that party and I simply attended it.

I had zero part in the planning of that party or the invitations that were sent out. I have the invitation to the party I received as evidence of that as well as all text exchanges between myself and the bride's family full of threats and the reason I was uninvited laid out in black and white.

I also have the texts from the friend who actually planned the party. If I'm sued, I will counter sue for libel, defamation, threats, and harassment. I did nothing wrong and I'd love to go to court to prove that.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

CarefulKangaroo2942 said:

Ok , just gonna get this out of the way first! The friend, her husband , the daughter and the groom and anyone who planned or participated in the wedding or reception, are a whole entire sh^&show of their own!!!! The audacity of those invites and everything after just completely blows my mind! Now on to more important things!!

Congratulations on the progress you have made in your health struggles! You are a rockstar! Never ever let anyone else define who you are or what you can accomplish!!

My wife of 33yrs has struggled with health problems for a long time, like you she has good and bad days (walker or chair) I have always been there to support her. She let others define her for a number of years, we now do everything she is down for that day and have never been happier!

Weaselpanties said:

That is the tackiest thing I've ever heard of. Asking guests to provide free childcare, pay for their meal, AND give them a gift? Hell no. I wouldn't even RSVP (since it costs money), I would just ghost these people. They might have been your friends, but they aren't good people, and they aren't people you are going to want in your life anymore, because this kind of behavior will continue and escalate.

demon_gringo said:

$100 per meal is enough reason to RSVP no, even before the sexist insult of making women tend to the children and be separate the whole time. I say you should write not going and circle all the outrageous BS on the invitation and mail it back. Don't go to the address to rsvp electronically, the written response will make things slightly difficult for them.

BagOFrogs said:

I’m so sorry that someone you’re so close to would treat you like that. Nothing about this is ok. It must be really hurtful and a shock to see someone you know so well behave like that.

MrsCoach said:

You've been invited to fund someone else's wedding as well as provide free labor at the celebration. Or rather, you've been invited to pay for the privilege of working at this wedding. Wtf.

SomeWomanfromCanada said:

This is the tackiest wedding scenario I’ve read in a long time.

TheGoblinkatie said:

This is unacceptable. I typically feel like wedding guests should just suck it up if they don’t like something at a wedding which is not their own, but this is beyond the pale. Guests paying for meals seems to be more and more common these days.

I’m not a fan, personally, but budgets are what they are and the markup on anything related to a wedding is out of control. If babysitters are necessary, the parents of those kids should be the ones in that room. The kids are their responsibility, not yours.

Or they should hire a couple college students who babysit in their off time. I wonder if the parents know this is going on? I can’t imagine they would be comfortable with this situation, especially since -as you pointed out- your mobility is a potential hindrance if the need for fast action arises.

Expecting (not even asking but dictating) guests to care for the children of people sitting in the main room is offensively rude as hell. I really hope I’m wrong, but given your necessary medical equipment, I’m wondering if she’s being tucking you out of sight because she wants “perfect” photos. It wouldn’t be the first time an otherwise lovely person turned ahole over the aesthetic of their wedding photos.

Embarrassed-Band378 said:

First of all, I just want to say your "friend" is an ableist ahole. I was so angry reading this. I have a disability myself. It takes a lot to offend me. This would do it. Becoming disabled is not your fault and you should never feel ashamed for being disabled. If these people were embarrassed by you to this extent and not willing to accommodate you, they're not friends. You deserve so much better.

I also want to say, the fact that you're getting better while they're stuck paying thousands of dollars is the ultimate revenge. There's no way they'll ever win this lawsuit. I'd say countersue them to oblivion. They deserve it.

Interesting-Area-903 said:

I’m so sorry this happened to you. It’s absolutely not a reflection on you. It’s all about the couple. Sadly, they are not your people and they don’t appreciate you. I know there are a million people out there who would love a friend like you. Those people deserve you. It sounds like they wanted a wedding they couldn’t affordable and decided to take advantage to achieve it. Very unwise and they will regret it, but that won’t be your problem.