Woman warns sister, 'if your husband comes to our dad's funeral, I'm not going.' AITA?
When this woman feels like she cannot handle her BIL at her dad's funeral, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for asking my sister not to bring her husband to our father's funeral?'
I ( 40 f) and my 3 older sisters aged lost our dad . He was never present in our lives but it was still a shock and it was unexpected and very sad.
The day we found out he'd passed, 3 of us out of 4 sisters drove to the hospital a few hours away and dealt with everything. He was an old man who lived alone in poverty. Our other sister who I'd call Mary lives further away and came the day after. We all had dinner together.
Mary and I hadn't talked for over 15 years due to a family argument and mostly her husband - That'd be another issue and I wasn't ready to deal with that when I'd just lost the only father I'd ever had so we all had dinner and cried and hugged and started to organize the funeral.
The only thing that is relevant here is that her husband never really respected us as he comes from a well-off family and he never knew my father. He's a r&cist AH and no one in the family likes him. I can list things he's said and done.
Called her family poor, when people said their daughter looked like me he said in front of me that he hoped she didn't have my hair (thick and curly).
He had to ask his dad for permission to marry my sister cause he's from a white noble family and we're mixed race. I was in my 20's and reacted to every racist comment or passive aggressive comment. It is not for me the issue . I accept I am the AH for asking her and wanting to make her feel guilty.
The situation has been messed up for years. I'm the one who stopped talking to her when I asked for help with our mother and she said no. I was in my 30's , just divorced and she told me her husband didn't want her to help.
I needed emotional help that I didn't get and I had to deal with a depressed mother who was s&Icidal. I carry a lot of resentment for sure. I don't need her in my life but I love her still.
The 4 siblings wanted to organise a simple and beautiful ceremony which we did. It would be a simple thing and only us would attend, grandkids if they wanted to (we never made them cause they didn't know him).
Well now is the situation where I feel I need you. When it came to the days before the funeral, I was feeling more and more anxious. I didn't want Mary's husband at the funeral.
As communication is not something we do well in my family, I didn't know how to bring it up and I let my anxiety build up and was hoping Mary would ask me or mention it. She didn't.
The day before I finally messaged her asking her if her husband intended to come. She simply replied with a -yes- She knew at that moment that it was an issue for me. I remained calm and asked if she really needed the emotional support because it would be hard for me.
She replied, that she needed the support. I replied that I understood but I then I wouldn't attend. She replied she understood. That was the end of the convo. Understandly I felt bad and I was hoping she'd feel guilty.
Mary apparently talked to my other sisters, no one talked to me after that but the day of her husband didn't come. I was surprised, hugged her, cried and thanked her. So AITA for asking my sister's husband not to attend my father's funeral?
Let's see what readers had to say.
fritosrule writes:
So you basically bullied your sister with a “its him or me” ultimatum over your dads funeral. Neat. Unless theres something more egregious there than “he was an asshole who never respected us” I have to go YTA.
innerouterself disagrees:
NTA - If he is truly and active r&cist who would say something out loud during the funeral time- yeah- I wouldnt want him around either. But it is a slippery slope and asking someone to not be at the funeral is stepping over a tough line to back out from.
jowoker writes:
YTA. You mentioned what he did, so i can't see why you didn't put that aside. it's your dad's funeral. i get he's a jerk, but why are you going to let that dictate if you go? your other family is still going, aren't they?
Giving your sister an ultimatum is just cruel. he's still her husband. she has to LIVE with him. you never stopped to think about the position she'd be in if she told him not to go.