'I think my son’s new friend might actually be his half-brother.' UPDATED

"I (27m) think my son’s new friend could be his half brother"

I’m not 100% sure but the similarities are starting to scare me. After graduating from highschool I hooked up with one of the alumni (she was 26) that used to help out at all the school events. But then I found out she had a boyfriend and we broke up. At that time me and my ex were already hooking up too and she got pregnant months after.

My son’s 7, he meets a new friend that he hangs out with after school. The kid is like 8 ish because he’s a grade above my son. And guess who his fucking mom is? We met a couple times picking our kids up and she avoids me.

It’s not her avoiding me that has me suspicious because ofc it’s awkward anyways with an ex. It’s that him and my son have so many similar features. The way that they smile, hair, skin color, the shape of their eyes and nose are so similar to mine. And everyone in my family always say my son looks exactly like me when I was a kid. Far as I know haven’t heard of any dad around and her ig doesn’t show anyone else.

Idk if this is something to bring up to her at all. We didn’t end things well at all and she hated me even though she was the one who was a cheater to her boyfriend. Should I ask her about it at all or is this just one of those things to leave alone? Id hate to think I have a kid out there not to know about but if it’s gonna hurt him more than I’m not sure

What do you think he should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

snarkyshark83 said:

If you want to know for sure and you are prepared for the consequences then you have to talk to her. If you truly want to know him and be in his life then you will probably need a court ordered paternity test.

LittleRedCarnation said:

You should bluntly ask. Meanwhile, Ill go make popcorn for your update

loligo_pealeii said:

I would initiate contact with her by saying "hey so our sons are friends and I'd really like to try to move on and be friendly too, so its not uncomfortable for our kids. Would you like to grab some coffee and catch up?" Then take that opportunity to get to know her. Chances are, if her kid is yours, you'll be able to figure it out timing-wise from that conversation.

Helewys said:

Everyone in this thread telling OP to just go ask the mother of the child is operating on the assumption that she would respond positively or with the truth. This woman has seen OP at the school and presumably knows that their sons are friends, but has said nothing. What makes anyone think that she will respond truthfully to a direct question?

What if she responds negatively and forbids the children from seeing each other, being friends, or OP from being anywhere near her child? This is a very delicate situation with layers of complication.

I would continue to encourage the friendship between the two boys while taking more time to observe and hopefully gauge potential reaction from the mother to such a question. Be prepared to be possibly embarrassed for speculating, or for the child to lose a friend. Take time and tread carefully. There is no going back from this one.

OP confirms in a comment that he would’ve wanted to be in the child’s life had he known:

If I found out she got pregnant after we ended things I would’ve wanted to know if I’m the father even then. We didn’t talk or see eachother after that. I get what you’re saying. But if I knew then I would’ve wanted to find out before possibly missing out on my kid’s life

In response to a commenter asking if they [OP and his ex] parted on negative terms"

Well for one thing I told her don’t ever call me again because I don’t want to see her. At the time I was just really mad finding out she was in a relationship with someone else because it made me the “other guy” and that was someone I never wanted to be. She got mad at some of the stuff I told her so that’s why it didn’t end on good terms. There was a lot of yelling from me so I could think of why she wouldn’t tell me

In response to a comment about whether OP has the child’s best interests at heart:

Well yeah I do want to be involved in his life if he’s mine and so my son would know who his brother is. But I understand it can’t be about what I want and don’t want to hurt him if revealing the truth does more harm than good. That’s my main concern.

He later shared this dramatic update:

I guess I was right in the end. He’s mine. This whole freaking time I had another kid Lucky that his mom was willing to talk to me about this. It wasn’t easy not doing this in front of the kids but I managed to ask her to meet up alone to talk. When I asked her the obvious she started crying. And she said when we broke up she found out about the pregnancy but thought her boyfriend back then was the father.

But she revealed the cheating to him and they did a paternity test after she gave birth. He wasn’t the father so he left. Then she didn’t want to say nothing to me because we weren’t in contact anymore and she knew I didn’t want to see her again so she thought at the time maybe I’d reject my son. Holy crap was I pissed. When we were talking about this I was half yelling/crying over the whole thing.

No matter how many times she told me sorry for assuming I wouldn’t want anything to do with him, that act still made me miss out on my son. Because now we were in this sort of fucked up scenario of our kids being friends and not knowing he’s also my kid. My ex still hasn’t stopped apologizing. I’m trying not to stay mad at her. She seems like she really regrets it and so far she’s agreed to everything I’ve asked:

paternity test for starters where we got the proof I’m his biological dad, wanting to spend time with him, let him know I’m his dad. None of this has been easy. The kids seem to be having a better time adjusting. My son just thinks it’s cool right now to suddenly have a big brother. But I think when that excitement wears off there will be more stuff to deal with.

My eldest is more shy around me, back then he didn’t really care. She already told him I’m his dad and we did a one on one meeting recently. Got to know him better and do something together just me and him. It was a nice time. He still comes over with my son so they can hang out or I see them together after school. Guess for me it’s been hard seeing him.

And knowing we still have a long way to go to building an actual relationship. Wish we could’ve had that since the beginning. It’s still so trippy thinking about it though. My son unknowingly became friends with a kid he didn’t even know was his half brother, then what if I knew about him back then? Would my youngest even exist right now if she would’ve told me? My mind goes down the rabbit hole with that one.

At least this hasn’t affected their friendship. I’m hoping it stays strong the more I get to be part of his life and he becomes more part of our lives.

In response to a commenter cautioning OOP to treat both kids the same

I understand what you mean. And I don’t want my son feeling like he’s being replaced or suddenly he doesn’t matter. We’re trying to still have our own quality time. So yeah I agree about treating them equally because I want them to still be close as brothers without any resentment

In response to a commenter asking if OOP is in a relationship:

I’m not in a relationship. It’s just me and my son, his mom isn’t involved in his life right now

In response to a commenter hoping the ex is open to co-parenting now:

I’m glad at least she isn’t making that an issue. Once I spend more time with him and we have a more established relationship we plan to see a lawyer to find out about getting some type of custody with him. I want him to know his dad’s not going anywhere

In response to a commenter criticizing OOP for how the relationship with his ex initially ended:

It didn’t end well since I found out she was cheating on both me and her boyfriend at the time. But that’s why I’m trying to let go of that so we can do better at co parenting