Woman livid ex knew son wasn't his; says, 'you should have told me.' AITA?
"AITA for knowing that my son isn’t mine and choosing to raise him anyway?"
42M) was with my ex (41F) for 4 years from the ages of 27-31. In the second year of our relationship she got pregnant and I was so happy to be a dad, so excited to give my child everything I didn’t have. Later on in the year, we welcomed a beautiful healthy baby boy.
I should preface this a bit more by saying that myself and my ex are both pale Korean. So when my son was born of darker skin, I had some doubts but told myself that he would gain features that resembled his mom and I the more time went on. I was wrong.
Within the first year of his life I knew that my son wasn’t mine. Along with his darker skin, he has hair that defies gravity while mine and his mom’s is as straight as needles. He has different facial features than the both of us.
Despite knowing most of these within the first year of his life, I decided to stick around and raise him as my own because I had already grown an attachment to him and vice versa. I of course didn’t mention that I knew to my ex and whenever my family would question me about it, I’d just say “he’s my boy.”
Of course the the relationship with his mom and I ended, but for other reasons. Despite that, I’ve still stuck around to raise my son. He’s 15 now and lives with me 75% of the time and with his mom the other 25%(it’s just what works for us).
Last week I took my son to get his haircut as he didn’t want to grow out his afro anymore. He went back with his mom shortly afterwards and the day after I got a call from my ex telling me she needed to speak with me and that it was serious.
We met up, and she sits me down very dramatically and proceeds to tell me that my son isn’t my son and that he’s her old coworker’s son, and that he’s in a very vital stage where he needs to learn about him and his biological dad’s culture and what not. I told her that I knew.
She looked shocked and confused. I told her that I wasn’t stupid that I knew since the moment that he was born, and that I loved him and if he chooses to meet his bio dad then I fully support him.
She ended up getting mad at me saying that “if you knew you should have said something and we could have prevented depriving him of his other culture long ago.”
When I brought up that she should’ve told me she just said “I didn’t want to hurt you.” That conversation ended and she went on to tell my son everything. He was rightfully upset and called me afterwards to pick him up(I told him that I had known and just loved him from the beginning).
He was upset with me for about a day, then he came to me and said he wanted to meet his bio dad.
I said okay and called his mom, long story short bio dad doesn’t want to be involved despite knowing about my son since he’s been born. My son is still rightfully sore about the situation and my ex is saying it’s just as much my fault for not saying anything.
She says that maybe if I did say something that he could have grown up with his real dad and didn’t have to go through this or any of the other things he’s experienced. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. Okay so your ex cheated on you, knew that she got pregnant with the guy she cheated on you with, lied to you and your son this whole time… and this is your fault? You seem to be a really loving person and your ex is most likely taking advantage of your loving nature by placing her grief on you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Cheaters will try *anything* to shift the blame! Unbelievable.
OP is such a good guy.
NTA, and you are his “real dad.” Being a parent isn’t about biology. It’s about commitment and love and sacrifice. It’s possible bio dad could come around to a meeting, but it sounds like he knew he had a bio child and rejected being a parent. You’ve done the right thing. Good luck to you and I hope you and your son navigate yourselves through this!
NTA. You literally said that bio dad knew about your son since day 1 and wanted nothing to do with him, so your ex getting mad about 'depriving your son of his culture and bio dad' is crap. He didn't want to be involved at the beginning, so it wouldn't have mattered if you called her out on her cheating or not.
She just wants to spread out the anger she's getting from your son because of what she did. She's trying to make you accept some of the blame when, in reality, she's reaping what she sewed. You're awesome for being a dad in this situation. A lot of men would've dipped.
So NTA. You stepped up and loved your son. You've supported him in so many ways and sounds like you've raised a good human. Even supporting him to meet his bio- dad. You've got not a thing to feel ashamed by.