'AITA for housing my daughter but not my stepdaughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for housing my daughter by not my stepdaughter?"

This is a doozie and I think I might be the AH, but I wanted some opinions. I'm a (48m) who inherited a beach house from my grandfather. The house has been in my family for generations, and it has a lot of sentimental value to me. I am now with my long-term girlfriend for seven years after a divorce from my first wife which ended on good terms.

She has a daughter from a previous marriage, and I have a daughter from my marriage as well. Our daughters are each 17 with mine being basically three months younger. Kara, the oldest will be 18 in May. Kara has been in my life for seven years and we have a good relationship however she has an active father in her life so I did not fill that role.

I was in her life 50% of the time so I have no doubt I played a large role in her life, but I wouldn’t say father, but others do say a nonlegal step-father. I have my daughter, Emmy, half time as well aside from Summers where I had her more due to my and my ex’s lifestyle. With that said, my ex and I have a good relationship as does our daughter with all of us. Kara and Emmy have gotten along, and they are friendly.

They have made plans independent of myself and my GF but they don’t consider themselves sisters, or best friends. Now to the issue. Kara will be going to school near the beach house and has asked if she can live in it to save the money which would be significant. Emmy approached me and has said she wanted to live there after the Summer but wanted to live alone while also in school.

The home is more than big enough for two, but she pointed out that they have very different lifestyles and would be far more comfortable alone or with a friend if I insisted she live with someone. It was a frank conversation and she brought up the fact that the home will be hers one day, so it made sense, and she’s right, the home will be hers by law in a few years as I will pass it to her.

My GF and Kara are very upset and calling it favoritism and pointing out that she will already be set for life between having a free ride to school via scholarships and housing while Kara will be using loans.

And may have to take a gap year or attend another school altogether. They are asking me to reconsider, and I think I’ve damaged my relationship. AITA for this decision? I agree that it’s favoritism, but Emmy is my daughter… Of course I’m going to favour her, right?

YoshiMob said:

NTA. You're Kara's mom's boyfriend and not Kara's stepfather (seeing as you're not married). Kara's dad needs to step up and support her if money is an issue.

tiny-pest said:

NTA. Here's why. Your daughter is a non party kid. SD is a party kid. You own the property and who in their right mind let's a party kid live in a home way far away who won't be monitored. Drunk kids destroy property all the time and it's you who will have to fix it.

An apt or anything else means the legal side of you messed it up, or you have to leave for destruction or noise issues are cut and dried where as with you even with signed stuff means a longer harder road.

Also having a party kid with non party who is focused on school means the one with scholarships has to try and deal with keeping grades up and all extra commotion in house. To me it's not about your kid va SD. It's about keeping property as is and not having the issues of destruction or other child from loosing scholarships.

TigerBelmont said:

"calling it favoritism " You are allowed to favor your daughter over your GF's daughter.

Acrobatic_Western739 said:

NTA. For seven years your daughter has been pleasant and friendly towards two people you brought into her life. Now, she is moving into the next phase of her life and she would like less contact with them. That seems entirely reasonable. To force her into living with your "girlfriend's daughter", especially when there's a lifestyle incompatibility, seems unfair and graceless.

You and your girlfriend should be grateful your daughter has made things so easy in terms of the overlapping of your lives. It's absolutely not favoritism, which is an absolutely wild thing to say when Kara also has a living breathing father with 50% custody.

MandeeLess said:

NTA given the information about the stepdaughter being a partier and the daughter wanting a quiet home life. Additionally, OP isn’t an actual parent to Kara (he and her mother are not married, she has an involved father)- free housing is a HUGE ask. Frankly, it’s concerning that OP’s gf and her daughter have jumped to labeling this as favoritism when OP doesn’t have any responsibility for Kara. They seem entitled.

Two weeks later, he shared this update:

I spoke to Emmy and her mom and let them know where I stood, and that was beside Emmy, but I also felt that Kara and her mom deserved a genuine conversation. The conversation was this past Friday. The talk started out ok.

Obviously there were some emotions, but I started the conversation with telling everyone, there would be no yelling and tears would not be used to influence anyone. After it was all said, and we began I just proposed the situation as: “This is a second home that I own fully and outright. It will be Emmy’s fully legally and in name in a few years, but as of today, it is mine- however, like the house,

Emmy is mine and my responsibility. No one but us is entitled to it, and make no mistake, Emmy is indeed entitled to it. It may not be fair in your eyes, but it is what it is.” “Emmy I can see why they may think it’s selfish as the house can accommodate you both, but I will support whatever you want to do. This is not a discussion to change your mind but to better understand it. “

It started pretty bluntly from Emmy and her mom saying they didn’t understand why she didn’t want her to live there as this would dictate a huge part of her future. The answer was half expected, and the other half hard for everyone to swallow. Emmy said she didn’t trust Kara to actually focus on school and not make the home into a party house.

She point blank asked Kara if she could actually accept not having guests over. Kara said something like “a few people two or three days a week wouldn’t be a problem.” The answer should have been “yes.” Emmy said she wouldn’t feel safe with her bringing over strange men whenever she wanted and her dad would want to visit, and she doesn’t trust him at all.

She said School was her main focus and staying safe would be a worry if Kara was there. Kara and her mom got defensive, but I told them it didn’t matter. She can’t say she won’t bring people over tells me all I need to know, and my daughters safety is paramount, and kara focuses were blurred. Socializing is fine, but perhaps I was wrong and it had gotten out of hand.

I told my GF that as her mother she would have to address that, and that whatever the plan would be for Karas schooling had she not ever met me would have to be her course of action, As for Emmy after the conversation I told her she would have a roommate as I felt it was important. She was ok with that and asked if she could ask a friend. I told her yes so all is good there.

As everyone guessed, GF is now ex-gf. She asked me to stay somewhere else for a week while she found somewhere to stay. I reminded her that this was also my house, but she was free to leave whenever. She ended up going to stay with a co-worker, but something happened. She asked to come back, but I told her it wouldn’t be wise.

That’s the update. Daughter is happy, I’m better than I thought I would be, todays a new day!, Ex will figure it out, and Kara has time to learn and grow.