'AITA for not wanting to contact my son after he was the one who abandoned me?' UPDATED
"AITA for not wanting to contact my son after he was the one who abandoned me?"
I (45F) have a son from my previous marriage. I got pregnant way too young at the age of 20 from my high school sweetheart, David (45M). We got married at the age of 22 after we graduated college. David was rich, he didn't want me to work so I was just a housewife. My son was the apple of my eye. I gave everything to him. He was my world.
He and I were really close and I never had a doubt in my mind that I would not be alone in this world as long as I have him. That is until 10 years ago, I found out that my husband was cheating on me with a young colleague of his. And what is worse my 15 year old son knew about it. He hid the affair from me. Imagine how broken I was. I was betrayed by 2 people I care most in this world.
I asked him why he did that? Why he hurt me? His response was that, his dad told him not to. He bought him gifts to keep his mouth shut. And having a young step-mom made him popular amongst kids. I was totally blindsided when I learned my husband took my little boy to meet that woman.
They made excuses that they went on a ski trip and they took his mistress with them. I felt like a fool at that time. In the divorce ruling, my son chose my ex over me. I was heart broken. My son didn't even want to visit me after it was all done.
I even tried to reach out to him once he turned 18. But he just refused. At that point I gave up and went on with my life. I would still get sad over the years wondering how he was doing. I did move on and met someone who is a single father of 2 girls. I married him and few days after our wedding I got pregnant again. The pregnancy was a nightmare.
I wanted to meet my son and tell him he is going to be a brother to a baby girl. The labor was painful. I almost died on the spot after giving birth to my daughter. I still wanted to meet my son. But I knew he did not want to see me so I just gave up the idea.
Over the years, the memories of him just became vague as I immersed myself into my new family. A week ago, I got a series of messages from him on my facebook. He said that he missed me a lot and wants to meet up with me.
It took me by surprise. Over the last 10 years he has not contacted me now he wants to see me? Why? I have been going over every possible reason. The worst part is that I do not feel excited about it. As a mother I know I should be over the moon but I am not.
My parents and husband know that. They have been pushing me to meet him. They say I need closure after all he is my son. But I don't know if I want to re-live the same trauma, So am I wrong?
What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:
Razzmatazz_Certain said:
You are not wrong for being hesitant. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being betrayed again has to be scary. You seem to be in a good place in your life now. Only you can decide the best course forward. The people who love you are pushing for this reunion because they likely think that a mother having their child in their life is always the best course.
However, sometimes regardless of blood relation, certain people are not good for you. It will be hard for others to understand because they didn’t experience your heartbreak. There is no right or wrong decision. Do what is best for your mental health. You could even decide to pause on a decision and tell him you need more time. I’m saddened that you experienced this level of pain. I wish you well.
stfrances2968 said:
I would hit the pause button until you feel ready.
Cr1v3ns said:
I have to bet the dad had been poisoning him against you and now he has realized such and wants to make his own decisions. NTA I get why you feel the way you do, I have just been in his shoes before so imo its worth a shot to give him a shot
letstrythisallagain said:
Would you be alright with FaceTiming or Skype first? Committing to an in person meeting could be too overwhelming. Baby steps seem like a good idea if you’re hesitant! Tests the waters with texting. Then maybe a call. If you’re not excited/feeling trepidation then definitely don’t push yourself.
nicholsonsgirl said:
NTA I have a feeling he’s only coming around now because he needs cash or something. Be wary. I wouldn’t be surprised if he love bombs you to build a bond then starts requesting things or telling you about his problems so you’ll feel obliged to solve them for him.
nickis84 said:
NTA- Make a dummy account and do a little social media trolling. See if he needs an organ or if he appears to financial dire straits, money has been lost in the last few years. Or maybe dear sm is finally bored of him and he's the outsider now.
Four days after her original post, she shared this dramatic update:
A lot of you have been requesting me for an update. I finally met my son after so many years. He was not a boy anymore. He was a man. He looked taller than I remember. So anyways, I will give an update. I read your comments. Some of you gave me some good suggestions. I prepared myself for any possible outcome. He could be there to meet me and tell me about his life or maybe reconcile.
Or maybe he wants something. Regardless of what it is I am keeping my guards up. I asked him to meet me in a public park. I asked my husband to be somewhere near so he could see me. My son came 5 minutes after I arrived. He was all grown up. I won’t lie, I wanted to cry at that spot but held my composure. He said hi to me and I smiled. I commented that he has grown up and looks really nice. He just nodded.
We sat down and it was silent. I was expecting him to say something at first but I finally asked what he was up to these days. He told me he is doing fine. He just finished college and is going to apply for grad school. I said that is great. Then it was awkward silence again. He broke the silence and said “You must be wondering why I contacted you.”
I replied “For 10 years you haven’t tried to contact me but why now? I cannot help but wonder why you are trying to contact me when you told me years ago you don’t want me near you because I embarrass you.” His face got serious and he said “I know that but I need something from you.”
A lot of you suggested he must be here to ask me for money. Well you guys were right. He asked me for money and the amount was 20k. He said he needed the money because he wants to go to law school and his father can’t afford it because he lost a lot of his money a few years ago due to a loss on his business and his company was bankrupt. He also had 3 more kids with his mistress-wife.
That’s why they do not have money for him to go to grad school. It just sank my heart. After 10 years I was finally meeting him, I was hoping that we could reconcile and he would understand what I have been through or maybe my husband was lying to him. But no, he just wants money from me. I told him I cannot give him money, not such a huge amount. He got defensive and kept saying why not?
And then he asked “Is this about dad’s affair? Geez, when will you get over it?” I asked him “why do you hate me? What have I done to deserve your hatred? Have I ever raised my voice? Have I ever hit you or said no to you? Then why? You always pushed me away when I tried to get closer to you? Why and what did I do to deserve it.”
He took a deep breath and said “You don’t understand mom. You really expected me to come with you? You had nothing. At least my dad could afford the lifestyle I wanted and my friends actually like Carla (his step-mom). Everything was fine until you discovered his affair and my deal with dad. I get it you didn’t hit me or scold me but you were not able to afford the life I wanted.”
I asked him if he really thinks his father’s affair was actually the best way for any of us. I sacrificed a lot for him and yet he chose someone who he only met when he was 14.
He said he doesn’t want to talk about that because it was so many years ago and I should just drop it. I asked him why didn’t he ever tried to visit me. I even asked if it was his dad who tried to stop him or any other reason or is it something I did.
I tried to reach out to him multiple times but he never answered or tried to be there. I gave him space because I thought he was coping with the divorce too. He yelled at me that I was really annoying. His dad didn’t stop him. It was he who didn’t want to meet me because I lived in a small apartment with only two bedrooms. He hated living in a place like that.
And he ignored me on his 18th birthday because the gift I had for him was pretty cheap and stale compared to what his dad and other people gave him. I agree. My gift was a box of his favorite cookies and an old vintage watch. I was struggling a lot at that time so I couldn’t afford to buy him expensive stuff. But does that mean he should have ignored me like that?
I had enough of it. I told him strictly that I will not be giving him money. I have spent years wondering where he is and how he is doing. He is still very disrespectful towards me. Throughout our whole conversation he didn’t even ask how I was. He just went straight to money.
I was here hoping that we could move on. He had no idea how much of a mess I was when I learned the man I loved so much would betray me and then my own son would lie to me for him. I thought we had a special bond. My head has been going through a lot of conclusions. Maybe his dad was lying to him about me. Maybe he was mad about something I did. But now I have the picture.
I do not want to be his atm. I wanted to be his mother even when he rejected me. I'm tired of feeling rejected and getting mistreated and taken for granted. He kept saying and getting even more defensive that I cannot do this to him. I am ruining his life. I told him no. I cannot trust him to give so much money.
He told me to cut the bs because he knew I have money now I can easily give him some. I told him no again and again. He at one point stood up and blamed me and screaming that I am ruining his life that I owe it to him. I called my husband and he rushed towards me to keep my son away from me.
I know now I should have trusted my instincts. I cried a lot when I came home. I lost him forever. I know a lot of you will call me a bad mother. You will call me a narcissist. But I am sorry. I have spent a lot of time in therapy to get over the pain of losing my husband and son. I cannot have him in my life only to be used as an atm.
Even if I gave him the money there is no guarantee that after getting the money he will not ghost me or push me away and then when the money runs out he will come to me again to ask for more. I cannot go through the similar pain. I may be able to forgive him for what he said to me but I don’t think I will ever forget what he said. He hated me because I had no money.
I would have been fine with weekly visits from him but he never even wanted that. Additionally, I discovered during our conversation that he was the first one to find out that my husband was having an affair and he asked his dad to buy him a new phone in exchange for not telling me. I lost. That’s all I have as an update. I am sorry if there were any mistakes.
It is hard to write and form sentences and put all of it in a few words. And no, his birthday was not the only time I reached out like many of you assumed. I tried to reach out to him before that many times. He said he didn’t want to or had other excuses.
I respected his decision and didn’t bother him much. I finally gave up trying when he was 18 but I still checked his social media for quite a while until I gave that up too.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Your son is deranged.
The last thing this world needs is another lawyer with his demeanor.
I hope the fact that you won’t give him the money to go to law school prevents that from ever happening. Maybe your son and his father can go into business together, and struggle unsuccessfully to make a living, and become destitute. I only hope that they don’t victimize anyone else in the process.
Silly_Struggle2528 OP responded:
I wouldn't want that to happen. As much as I hate my ex and what he did, he still has 3 more kids to feed. I wouldn't want those children to grow up in destitute. I know what it's like to not have money. So I won't wish that on them. For their sake I hope they can at least suffice up to 18 years
Wow!! My mouth was actually open reading your post! Unbelievable that he had the nerve to say and mean it that he didn't want to see you because you didn't have money! He actually expected that you would just give it because he believes you have it now! He wasn't even gracious or humble and such an entitled attitude! How you are ruining his life!
It was not that he was asking me for money after so many years. But it is just I don't know if he will use that money for some bad use like drugs or gambling. Also I have no way to confirm if he is telling the truth about grad school or not. So it seems too risky to give such a huge sum just like that