'AITA for wanting my BF to come home right after work to help with our newborn?' UPDATED

"AITA for wanting my boyfriend to come straight home after work (on some days) to help me de-stress after taking care of our 4 month old son all day?"

I (32F) had an argument with my boyfriend’s (32M) brother (24M) yesterday because he asked me why I was mad at my boyfriend when he came home. My boyfriend is an IT guy in a section of our government. He likes to go to the sauna almost every day (he says to de-stress from work) from about 5pm to 8-9pm). If it’s not the sauna, he goes to have a drink with friends.

Now I have no problem with him wanting to relieve stress or having time with his friends; everyone needs this. All I have asked of him is to compromise and come home early on some days so I can take a break for an hour or 2; take a bath in peace or eat without my kid screaming to be carried.

I’m a first time mom at 32, a stay at home mom and my son has refused to bottle feed so I can’t supplement with formula. Basically this means, I have to be around him 24/7. My ‘BIL’ knows all this as he’s been staying with us for about 5 months now. So yesterday while arguing, He implies that my mental health is not important because my only reward should be my child’s wellbeing.

And that my boyfriend’s mental health is more important and that I should give him a break and I’m not being fair. He also said that me being stressed is stressing them both out and making things uncomfortable and the last thing my boyfriend needs is to come home and see my frustrations when he needs to relax.

Now i know I’m not asking for too much and I see red flags whenever someone makes me feel like I am. Is there another perspective to this that I’m not seeing?

Here's what commenters had to say:

PotentialityKnocks said:

NTA. Your job as a SAHM is to take care of your son during working hours; your partner is still a father and has to help out. It’s unreasonable to say that you have to be “at work” 24/7. You’re not asking too much. You are definitely entitled to some time to de-stress

pattisabs said:

NTA at all! Both your boyfriend and his brother are majorly TAs. You’re in an incredibly stressful position, and he’s leaving you to do all the stressful work of looking after a baby in order to go to the sauna/for drinks EVERY NIGHT after work?? That’s just not acceptable. Your health and mental wellbeing is important too.

Quite frankly, if his job is THAT stressful he should probably look for a different one and learn to put his family first. His brother is also TA. You said he’s been living with you this entire time, seeing how you’ve taken no breaks, and he hasn’t even offered to watch the baby for an hour or two in order to help out? Is he at least paying rent?

For him to then dismiss your stress and blame you for making things uncomfortable is disgusting.

bananapantspalmtree said:

NTA. Ok first off, kick the moocher BIL out! Not paying rent and not helping around the house? Buh-bye! As for your partner, I highly doubt he is spending that much time on week days and weekends at the sauna. So where is he really? But let's give him the benefit of the doubt.

It sounds like he's escaping the house and the baby, either he is shirking his parental responsibilities or he might be experiencing Post Natal Depression. It affects dads as well as mums and can be debilitating. I'd suggest it's time to have a one on one chat with him and work out what exactly is going on.

If it's PND, he needs to get into counselling, if he's shirking, he needs to lift his game or get out and let you parent your baby. It's not fair you're being stuck with baby 24/7, you need your time away from bubs as well.

Fairfieldjones said:

Wow. NTA at all. That’s really messed up he is out most nights. Something seems odd there. I’m a new parent too, and I feel guilty enough just going to work, let alone going out to drink/sauna after because I need to “de-stress” while she’s been home with our kid. I don’t know how your significant other doesn’t understand the concept of coparenting, as well as giving you a break. Life isn’t all about himself anymore.

Since her original post, she shared this major update:

I left my BF’s to go rest at my mom’s. During that week, my BF never reached out to me (even if to check if we arrived safely or to ask about our son) and that was the answer I needed. End of the week I texted him to ask if I could pick my things from his place. I told him things weren’t working out as he clearly didn’t care about me and we weren’t a priority to him.

He said he didn’t see what he had done wrong which is why he had kept quiet and didn’t reach out. He said by me moving out, I was taking his son away from him; yet he spent 3/4 of his free time out of the house in the ‘sauna’(3-4hrs on a weekday after work and 8hrs on the weekend; EVERYDAY)

He said he didn’t see the point of coming home to baby sit a 4 month old who needed his mother more. All I wanted was for him to come home after work on some days and take care of the baby while I shower in peace or eat food.

He said it’s clear I wasn’t ready to have a child because he knows women who work 9-5 jobs and still come home to cook and take care of the kids. Implying that I’m failing because I need a break for an hour?

He said we could reverse roles and he wouldn’t complain at all. When I told him he should be bonding with the baby, he said he’ll take over when he’s a toddler and easier to handle and that kids can be bribed with money and trips and they’ll be your best friend.

I did not make the decision to end this just because of this issue; it was a combination of all red flags. But to be honest, this was the last straw. I was running on fumes, exhausted physically and mentally and I was asking him to help me but he decided, without talking to me about it, that I didn’t need a break.

I believe He wants to live his life as a single man but enjoy the benefits of a relationship (sex, companionship, good housekeeping and food) when he comes home; that’s not how a relationship works.

For a while he made me feel like what I was asking for was too much. And that I was crazy for asking for a little consideration. Like I wasn’t worth fighting for. I felt it was wrong and talking to you guys here on reddit strengthened my resolve.

We are now officially ex’s and to be honest, I don’t feel like it’s a loss. I only feel stupid that I chose this person and I’m tied to him for the rest of my life and now my child is the one that suffers from my choice and not having a good father around him everyday.

Commenters are responding to her update:

farlalala30 said:

I love it when the other partner thinks staying home with a infant is easy. They have zero clue. You are better off without him.

TheRiddler1976 said:

Yeah....anyone else thinking sauna is another woman? You're better off without him - sounded like you were effectively a single mum anyway

Vaskemannen said:

Make him pay child support

beretbabe88 said:

"Babysit". When a man says that he 'babysits' his OWN CHILD that's a red flag right there. I'm glad you got out.

Mr_Bruce_Duce said:

As a man, reading this really frustrates me. Babies are not just a woman’s responsibility just because they can feed them naturally. You’ll be absolutely shattered and like you said, just an hour to yourself to clean yourself up makes all the difference.

It’s fine for him to have the stimulation of work and seeing multiple people whilst you’re just left at home in your own? But don’t worry though, you only have to wait two years and then he will start pulling his weight and looking after your toddler... great. His attitude stinks and it sounds like you’re both better without. I wish you all the best!