'AITA for wanting my BF and I to spend time together away from the kids?' UPDATED
"AITA for wanting my boyfriend and I to spend time together away from the kids?"
My (22F) boyfriend (28M) is currently not speaking to me because of this request/suggestion I made.
For some history, my boyfriend and I have been officially dating for a year and were seeing each other for 3 months prior. We’ve been living together for 6 months. He made it clear from the first time we met that his children (7F, 5F) would come first and I understood and respected that.
Our first date was really more about seeing how I would bond with the girls more than how compatible he and I were. I had a fantastic time that day and every day since, and I truly love his children as much as I love him. The girls and I have a great relationship and I sincerely hope that I can continue to be a part of their lives.
The issue between my boyfriend and I happened after I asked if some of our dates could be 1. away from home and 2. not always include the girls. All of the time my boyfriend and I spend together is at home and is always cantered around an activity with the girls.
I appreciate and cherish ALL of these moments and I do NOT want them to disappear. I really just want to spend some quality one on one time with my boyfriend because we have never actually done that.
I explained all of this to my boyfriend and he became furious. He told me that I wasn’t respecting his wishes or his family dynamic by trying to “alienate” him from his children. I tried telling him again that wasn’t what I was trying to do but he insisted that’s what I was doing. He then told me that my wants/needs in this relationship would “never be considered above the girls”.
I told my boyfriend that I understand and WANT the interests of the girls to come first, but that he wasn’t being fair to me by not at least considering my suggestion. It’s been a few hours and he has not spoken to me, kicked me out of our bedroom and does not want me talking to the girls until I drop my request and apologize.
I wasn’t going to at first because I thought that I was right but this reaction is really making me think that I am actually the AH in all of this
What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:
GreekAmericanDom said:
NTA. So many red flags here. I am a single dad. My child is my #1 priority. I would never introduce my child to a woman I had not been seeing for at least 6 months. Your first date was with the girls?!?!?!?! That is fucked up. And yes, a couple needs alone time.
Even couples who have kids together need time away from the children to be adults and to connect with just each other. That he does not realize is also fucked up. The silent treatment? That's not how a mature adult acts. That's what petulant asshole's do. DO NOT apologize. In fact, you should be reevaluating this whole relationship.
puppyfarts99 said:
Your boyfriend was interviewing potential caregivers, not looking for a partner. No responsible, loving father introduces their children to a romantic partner on a 1st date, or even after seeing someone for just a few months. Compatibility with his kids is important, but what's even more important is not introducing your children to just anyone you're dating.
The fact that your boyfriend wanted you to cohabitate with him and his children while the relationship was relatively new is a huge red flag, even if he wasn't limiting dates to "at home with the kids".
Your desire to have dates away from the kids is not only reasonable, it's NECESSARY for you to truly guage whether he's the right partner for YOU. If I understand your post correctly, you two have never spent time together as a couple without his children. That's incredibly bizarre, and another huge red flag.
Biggest red flag here, for you to really see and hear: you've expressed a need or desire (time alone with him), and your partner's response was to get angry and give you the silent treatment.
THAT alone should be a dealbreaker. I'll say it again: his response to your needs is to ignore you and be mad at you. This dynamic will be evident in other issues in your relationship, I guarantee it. Take some time to reflect and you'll see it too. NTA
CrystalQueen3000 said:
Girl run. No decent parent makes the first date a “meet the kids and see you get on” thing. That was your first red flag. You got sucked into playing mom. NTA but this ain’t gonna improve.
Less than a day after her original post, she shared this update on the situation:
I don’t know how many people will see this but it’s been 7 hours since I posted and I felt I should provide an update for those that are curious. I have read EVERY comment on this post and I would like to say THANK YOU to every married person, single parent and considered individual who pointed out my bf’s behaviour.
I know I seem stupid to all of you, but I genuinely did not see any of these red flags for what they were. After a lot of reflection I realized that there were many more red flags in his behaviour than mentioned in the post.
For everyone wondering why I got myself into this relationship at the first place, as an infertile woman who always wanted to be a mom, I jumped at the possibility to have a family of my own with a partner I loved and who I thought loved me back.
I never saw my situation for what it truly was, a nanny with benefits (shout out to all of the other creative terms used). I was never going to be a mother, partner or wife. After even more reflection, I came to the conclusion I can no longer be in this relationship if I truly value myself.
My boyfriend has yet to come out of the room so I am planning to pack a few things and stay at my parents (i’m not financially independent). My brother is coming over to drive me there and to be a safety precaution.
The hardest part is leaving these two girls that I love dearly and have grown so attached to, but I do understand now how my relationship with their father wasn’t healthy for them either so I think this is in their best interests in the end. I only plan to say goodbye to them ❤️ Thank you again to everyone who made me see this situation for what it truly is
A few responses from after the update:
QueenofThorns7 said:
You weren’t stupid, you were a naive 20 year old looking for a family. That’s understandable. You’re making the right choice now. Just take this as a learning lesson and be more cautious entering into relationships in the future
I’m so proud of you. I cannot even imagine how difficult this decision must have been for you, but it is the RIGHT one. For you and for the girls. You are absolutely doing the right thing. 💜