Man refuses to pay college tuition for son from one night stand. AITA?

"AITA refusing to pay for my son's college tuition?"

I (39M) had a one night stand in college, and the girl, who we'll call Jade, got pregnant. I agreed to pay child support, but that was all. This arrangement has worked for 18 years, and I never liked the idea of having kids anyway, so I don't really mind that my son, Marty (18M) and I have no contact.

Jade never got a boyfriend or anything after she had Marty, so she's been doing a pretty good job all by herself. We're still friends to this day, and I've only spoken to Marty a few times. Marty, having recently graduated high school, wants to get into college. His tuition is expensive though, and as a single parent, Jade can't afford it and won't fund his tuition because of that.

Marty got my number from Jade, and asked if I would help pay for his tuition. He made a point saying that I have a well paying job, he was my only son, and I'd never been there for him as a dad, so I should at least pay his tuition.

I refused, because first off, I've paid Jade child support and extra money on the side for his entire life. And second, I never wanted kids to begin with, child support was the condition I took to not have to directly care for one.

He said that it was selfish of me to pretend like I didn't have an obligation to him, and I told him I did have an obligation, which was to pay for him until he was an adult. He protested saying that I 'never gave him anything'. Which just isn't true, I made sure Jade had the money to care for him, and gave him gifts through Jade on occasion.

Jade and I have been content with this arrangement for years, and she does a great job being a parent, I funded a whole lot of my son's life, I basically paid for everything Jade couldn't, like extracurriculars and sometimes even bills and groceries if she was in a bad spot.

Jade agrees that Marty is being unreasonable in this demand, and she's thankful that I was there to support them both. She told Marty he had other options, and it would hurt my finances too (his tuition is tens of thousands of dollars, I get paid more than average, but not enough to afford that).

He's pissed at Jade for taking my side, saying I'm an unsupportive bum, and that I've done nothing for him in the long run. But that's just not true. AITA?

Q&A

Alertrobotdude says:

'And second, I never wanted kids to begin with.' Why do you make this sound like it isn't your fault? You're playing the role of an unsupportive father, but it was you that chose to have unprotected sex which led to this.

You have no obligation to pay him, and for this situation you're NTA - however I think you should re-evaluate the situation you are in and what it was that brought you here, because it wasn't by magical chance.

livhyun37 OP responded:

We were protected. Jade thinks that there was something wrong with it

justnotmything94 says:

Paying child support is the bare minimum considering he got her pregnant. It's not like the woman just magically got pregnant, he's just as responsible as her. I'm tired of men acting like they're not at fault for getting someone pregnant and as if an abortion were such an easy thing any woman could simply get.

It's dangerous to have one, extremely expensive, not allowed everywhere and can be emotionally traumatizing. What OP should have done is not get her pregnant in the first place. Condoms are really not so f**king hard to use.

livhyun37 OP responded:

Read my other comment. Condoms were f**king used.

Comments:

DrKittyLovah says:

NTA for not paying tuition. It sounds like you have fulfilled the obligations set by you & Jade. But don’t pretend that you don’t deserve to be called an unsupportive bum by your son. It absolutely sounds like the truth given what you’ve written.

gotsingh says:

He did more than 99% of parents who give up children for adoption and nobody gives them grief. He isn't looking to be called dad of the year but he did more than the bare minimum without messing with the kids emotions and flipflopping their relationship his entire life. NTA.

New_Try6368 says:

YTA. No amount of money could replace not having a father. Have you discussed options that might be in your budget like community college? Or are you just kick them out on their ass at 18?