'AITA not paying my adult daughter's tuition unless she can show me some respect?'
"AITA telling my adult daughter that I am not paying any more of her tuition unless she can show me some respect?"
u/ConcernedFatherAITA
I want to start off by saying that I have done everything for my children. I was there at the hospital for their births, signed the birth certificates, I changed diapers and always provided them with food and designer clothes. But my ex is extremely manipulative and has tried to turn my children against me since day one.
She manipulated my older daughter who refused to talk things out with me. I will still forgive her once she finally decides to snap out of my ex’s manipulations and come back to me. Me and my younger daughter “Sarah” had a great relationship until she suddenly flipped the switch in her senior year and also was poisoned against me.
When “Sarah” was applying for college I really didn’t want her to go far because she has book smarts but lacks common sense and I didn’t want her to fall for scams. I even offered to buy her a car if she lived with me and commuted to a local school.
But Sarah just said that the local programs didn’t have what she wanted. I found it insulting because I went to a local college and despite what my ex thinks, I am highly educated without some PhD.
Sarah did not listen to my input at all. Her and my ex barely involved me in her college application process. My ex was extremely unhelpful. I would just ask basic questions like tuition since I was going to spend considerable funds, and she would send website links.
It would have only taken a few seconds for her to just answer the question so I can stay in the loop about what’s going on. But this was just part of my ex’s way of turning Sarah against me.
Sarah enrolled at an out of state college and I didn’t even find out until May because my ex didn’t bother telling me. I didn’t even get to see Sarah off at the airport since she didn’t tell me she’d left until after she was already gone.
I constantly text Sarah asking how things are going. I send her funny posts on Facebook and ask her to call me. I even offered to split the cost of planefare so Sarah could visit over the holidays. She only responds on email and it’s always her saying she’s too busy.
I am frustrated and tired of this. She is taking a lot of classes right now but I’m her father and it would only take a second of her day to just text me back or talk to me on the phone for five minutes.
I have supported and been providing for Sarah since day one. I am done being disrespected when I have bent over backwards for 18 years to give her everything and have sent $7,000 just this year for her schooling.
I could be doing a million other things with that money. Maybe I am at fault for enabling it for so long but not anymore. I sent an email telling her that I am done with being disrespected and if she can’t even give me the time of day then my ex can find someone else to split the cost of her schooling with.
I sent the email over two hours ago and there’s been no response. I know my wording might seem harsh but I am just so done with being disrespected. AITA?
The comments did not go OP's way.
StacyB125
YTA. The way you talk about the women in your life is upsetting, concerning. Of course you paid for everything your kid needed during her childhood. That was your freaking responsibility. You don’t get a trophy for supporting the children you choose to bring into the world. You aren’t special.
Now that she is 18, you could cut her off if you wanted to. But, you’d be stupid to think that she’s going to come crawling back to play by your manipulative rules with all the hugs and kisses for her daddy.
She’ll just do what most of us had to do. She’ll take out loans to cover what you stop paying. You’ll probably never see her again. Forget about her potential future children. You won’t be their grandfather.
I don’t think your wife had to turn your children against you. I think you did that all by yourself.
SuzieQbert
This reeks of missing "missing" reasons. If you're not legally obligated to contribute to her education, you can do as you please, but you're thisclose to living the rest of your life as if you'd never had kids. And they won't be the ones regretting their choices. ETA: YTA
JNF919
YTA. This is a very telling paragraph, because it comes across as you resenting your ex's education level and trying to weaponize your daughter to follow the path that you took rather than the one that they took, regardless of what your daughter wanted, and ever since then, your relationship has suffered for it.
You also take zero accountability for anything you might have done to make these relationship go south and just chalk it all up to brainwashing. You can withhold the tuition money if you want, but it'll just be another daughter you never speak to again.
Separate_Security472
Yta. You are hoping to win your daughter back by... threatening to cut her off? It's not going to work. She's just going to become more resentful.
Punfull
YTA. Anybody who says with a straight face that they checks notes FED THEIR CHILDREN and that somehow demonstrates what a great parent they are is delusional to a level I just don't think you're capable of understanding.
Lemon_charlie
YTA. Apart from the designer clothes, that's basic parenthood 101 (and providing food and clothes is the bare legal requirement for you as a parent to meet). The only reason you'd be forgiven for not being at the hospital for their births is if external forces were preventing you. Saying you were there for the births is not the flex you use it as.
If you think Sarah is too naïve to spot scams that's a failing in how you were, or weren't, a parent to her. Was this switch flipping around the same time she expressed and you pushed against her uni plans?
KaliTheBlaze
YTA. You want to blame her mother for the fact that you couldn’t be bothered to click on a link to find the tuition costs after being told which school she was looking at? Seriously? How incompetent and unwilling to put in the slightest effort can you get?
You clearly describe yourself as all demands and control. When you say jump, you don’t even want them to ask “how high?”, you want them to already know. You want a medal for doing the legally required caretaking for your children.
Your “me, me, me” attitude isn’t earning you the pedestal you think you deserve, so you’ve decided to try to punish your child into loving you.
You had to dig deep to find any NTA verdicts, but they were there:
RecommendationSlow16
NTA. Sounds like your ex is a witch and your daughter is extremely ungrateful. I would go no contact with these people and spend your money on something nice for yourself.
Relevant_Bit7889
NTA she should at least have the decency to text you back. I would say since you're ex and her want to not involve you I wouldn't pay either. And apparently your ex isn't as educated as she thinks if she can't get Sarah through college. Y'all expect the dad's to take way too much disrespect sometimes.
LocalLiBEARian
As I’m reading through the comments… how is it that almost every time a male over the age of 12 posts a question everything becomes all about HIS abuse, HIM being pervy, or whatever else?
Sarah claimed she didn’t like what the local college had. Ex swooped in and took over the planning while OP foots the bill. HOW THE FECK DOES THIS MAKE OP ANY KIND OF NEGLECTFUL FATHER WHO “HAD IT COMING” ???
Ex wants to take over, fine. Let her. Sarah wants to go NC, fine. Let her, and stop sending messages trying to “win her back.” She and ex can pay for everything. OP is NOT just the local ATM and is NTA.