Dad gives daughter secret burner phone to avoid mom's 'crazy stalking.' AITA?
'AITA for letting my daughter have a second phone without tracking?'
I am the father of a 17 year old girl, Anna. Her mother and I got divorced because she started being very obsessive about knowing details of everything. Where I was going, who I was with, when I expected to be back. I had to check in every 10 minutes or she would freak out and call the cops.
It got to be too much and we divorced. Anna was very young when this happened and because of some prior criminal charges, I got full custody. I did however allow my ex to have Anna one weekend a month.
Anna’s first phone broke about a year back and my ex offered to buy her a new one. I was more than okay with that because it’s a free phone, what’s the downside?
Well the downside is that my ex is doing the same thing to Anna now. If the tracking software shows she’s anywhere but my house, work, or school [before it let out for summer], she will panic. Anna told me about this and how annoying it gets.
I talked to my ex and she said she would stop but Anna said that never happened. So I got a new phone for her without the tracking software. She leaves her moms phone at my house and will occasionally call or text her mom on it, but if she’s going out with friends she won’t bring it.
That was fine for about 2 weeks until they ran into each other at target and my ex figured out what was going on. She blew up at me, but I told her this is the reason we got divorced and I don’t want her to drive her own child away too.
She is claiming it’s negligent and it’s dangerous if she doesn’t know Anna’s safe because she could be dead, which seems like a bit of an over reaction in my eyes. I get safety, but she gets obsessive very quickly.
So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. You got full custody, you are the one to legally decide if that tracking is on or off.
Morally... Anna is 17, she's nearly an adult. Tracking her is just plain invasive. You are right that this is the same pattern from your ex as what you went through.
Your ex learned nothing from the failure of your marriage.
Don't know if the criminal charges were relevant or not, but if they involved breaches of privacy or outrageous anti-social behaviour, they didn't do the trick either: two for two.
Tell your ex that you are the parent with custody, you called the shot, and if she doesn't like your call, she can always ask a family court Judge to review the matter. That oughta fix her little red wagon.
...Then read up on AirTags and any other device that your ex may plant among your daughter's possessions, and also any settings on your child's phone that may allow her calls/texts to be monitored on another 'paired' device. And look for them, and remove them, because I'm betting that will be your ex's next move.
NTA to protect your kid's privacy, OP
NTA. Honestly I think your ex clearly has a mental illness maybe PPD or even schizophrenia. I think the real issue here isn’t the phone, it’s your ex. She really needs to get help for her condition as otherwise she might get worse, with it becoming dangerous for her to be left alone with your daughter.
There have been cases where people with paranoid delusions take their children and go on the run as they think other people are out to get them.
NTA 'it’s dangerous if she doesn’t know Anna’s safe because she could be dead'
I've not heard a single story about someone being saved because their parents have a tracking device on their phone. I can see it possibly with younger kids getting lost but generally it's not going to help prevent anything.
It's horrible to say this but if something were to happen, she wouldn't know about it until too late anyway. The best way to keep your daughter safe is to teach her safe behaviours & part of that involves trusting her to do them.
She needs a psychological evaluation, not therapy. But yeah, you can't force her to do that.
You could tell her that her level of paranoia isn't healthy and she should see a doctor, every time she brings up the phone. She thinks her daughter is DEAD if she doesn't know where she is? Don't even argue.