'AITA for telling my son I want no contact?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my son I want no contact?"
Me (45 male) and my ex-wife got together in our teenage years. Got married at 21 and had our son at 22. After our son was born, we slowly started to drift away. When our son was about 11 or 12 I decided to pull the plug on my marriage.
I don't know why, but my wife was very shocked. By that time, we already had a dead bedroom for about 4 years and hadn't had any deep discussion for about the same time. I was just done.
It took about a week for me to move out and my ex cried all the time, begging me to stay. But I stood my ground. My son was very angry at me and wouldn't talk to me at all. I understood why. In his eyes, I was hurting his mother.
When I finally moved out, he didn't want to see me at all. I tried really hard, came regularly to see him, but he always told me he hates me and ran to his room. I was devastated. The divorce was finalized in about a year.
Custody was in place for 50/50. We got my son in therapy, but it just didn't help. He hated my guts to the core. I never wanted to force him to go to my place. I could, but didn't want him to resent me even more.
I still wanted to be there for him, went to his games, sent him birthday and Christmas gifts, but he shut me out completely.
Last thing he told me is that he doesn't want me at his events anymore. I went to my ex's house a couple of times, but she always told me that he doesn't want to see me and that she wouldn't make him.
At this point I was cut off completely. I found my self in a long dark road of depression and pain. It was like my son died. The lowest point of my life. But one day I woke up and was just done. I rebounded and have since moved on.
I met my wife and we have two beautiful kids. Life was great again. Until about a year ago, when I got an email from my son. He apologized for everything. He said that he recently got a child and started reflecting and realized how horrible he was to me.
He wanted to reconnect and be in my life again. There was much more in email, but I don't want to share for privacy reasons. I didn't feel anything when I read this mail. I didn't respond.
Since then, he sent about 15 emails detailing what is happening in his life and his kid's. I never responded, but I figured I at least owe him some kind of closure. I didn't send what I want to say yet. It goes:
'Dear son, I would appreciate it if you stop sending me emails. I went through hell and back to be at this point in my life. I have a family again, and I'm very happy right now.
I understand you have regrets and some guilt about the past, but I hold no resentment towards you and I forgive you. Bringing you back into my life would introduce complications I am not willing to face for my own good and that of my family.
I simply cannot give you what you seek. I want no further contact. I hope you understand and wish you all the best in your life.
Goodbye, OP'
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Op go to therapy with your son I’m sure your scared to reopen the wounds that were left but he was hurt too I’m sure your scared that if you let him back in and you get close to him and your grandchild you think he may decide to just leave again.
And you’ll be back in that cold dark place again but PLEASE go to therapy with your son and work through this you deserve to have your son in your life and he deserves his father in his.
Yeah...I can see why OP is upset and unsure about how to move forward. Getting ghosted for ~12 years by your child is definitely something painful.
I don't think you are the a**hole for being hesitant to reconnect. Relationships are two way streets even parrent child ones. After being iced out for over a decade it's going to be hard to want to open yourself up to the potential for getting hurt again after dealing with all of that and coming out the other side somewhat intact.
However that E-mail is the stake to the heart at any attempt to have a relationship with your son as adults, likely at least some of your grandkids too, and will put a huge barrier on if your younger kids ever can connect with their half brother. It's something your wife and mother see clearly and why they are reacting so strongly to it.
If your really sure you wanna do that, that's what that E-mail as written will do, but that is very much a hard point of no return.
Yes, YTA. Your son was a child. You are punishing him for being a child going through a traumatic experience. Have you noticed that you have this trend of just being 'done'? It doesn't paint you in a good light when you're 'done' with your f*^&%ng child.
You are so much TA I don't even have words for you. Your mother would be 100% right to disown you for this. Your current wife should be terrified that you will do this to your children with her.
YTA of course. You are upset that you dumped an adult problem on a kid, and they....reacted like a kid (cue the gasp). Divorce is so much more complex for a kid. They don't understand it, they feel like they are being penalized, they feel out of control, they usually feel like a pawn.
They harbor resentment and guilt over maybe contributing. Then sometimes they have parents that feed into all those negative thoughts. Then sometimes you have to also feel guilty for the complex emotions of new partners, new siblings, etc.
As sh*#@y as it is... be the adult. This is a young person admitting fault, and that's brave as hell (and fairly uncommon) because most of us are unwilling to be that reflective. This is a kid who is now dad, and he wants to do the right thing.
I think it's terribly punitive for you to dump adult guilt on a child's reactions. You can maybe justify your anger, but trying to hurt your kid the way you were hurt is not ok.
Update from OP in the same post:
I didn't send it yet and finally told my wife what is happening. She read all the emails and my draft and was horrified. She begged me to not send it and open my heart for him. We argued and a demand for a therapist came up.
She even told my parents, and my mom went nuclear. She started berating me like I was a little kid again. I don't know why she doesn't understand. She was with me all this time and saw what I went through.
In the end, she told me if I did this to him, she will do the same to me. I was speechless. I don't even know what I seek here. I went through similar stories here, and a lot of the comments were not nice to people in my position. I don't know. Maybe I am a p%$## and need to hear it.