Dad goes no contact with daughter after she 'orchestrates' mother's affair. AITA? MAJOR UDPATE.
When this father is appalled by his daughter's behavior and goes no contact after feeling totally betrayed by her, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for basically going NC with my daughter after she betrayed me?"
For some background, I uploaded a more in depth post on my page about what occurred but basically my wife cheated on me with a co-worker and she begged for my forgiveness so I accepted but I've been secretly cheating on her as a type of revenge/closure that ended up becoming an addiction, I know I'm a idiot but onto title.
I will keep as short as possible but basically a couple days ago, my daughter just out of the blue confessed about her mother cheating on me as she couldn't handle the guilt, she told me for the past 5 years, she has been aiding her mother in cheating on me in exchange for gifts...
she also confessed that she knew that my wife has been in affairs with 6 guys and was currently in contact with her co-worker and that her old phone her mother bought her was the device my wife used to cheat on me and she was the one who was supposed to hide it away from me and delete conversation...
she also purposely hide the phone beneath my wife pillow so I would discover the affair, at this moment I snapped, I realised it was her along who put the phone under my pillow and unlocked the passcode, she was the one who helped hide the infidelity and I I was destroyed...
I worsened this hole by repeating my wife actions and now I realised my daughter betrayed and masterminded the affair along with my wife. I feel like I need my son on my side.
I may have snapped at my daughter but I told her I knew about the affair this whole time and I thought her mother changed after she begged and told me she cut contact with her co worker but that was a lie as well and...
I told her you mean nothing to me and a bunch of other stuff about her mother which I may regret but it was the best of the moment then I went to my car and had a long drive, my son called me and asked me what happened and I explained what his mother and sister did to me for 5 years, he broke down...
I told him I will look for an apartment for my wife and his sister as there is no way in hell I will give up my house, my wife and daughter have blown up my phone begging for a chance but screw that anyway would I be the AH for basically going NC with my daughter for the rest of my life or not...
I know she was being manipulated by her mother but as she got older she could have realised what her mother was doing was wrong and I know she hide the phone under my pillow...
but i was an idiot and I should have divorced her but I was too reluctant on paying child support as they are couple years away from turning 18 but I won't commit the same mistake, I will divorce her anyways I apologise for my rant.
Then, OP provides this major update:
I just want to clarify a few things, I apologise for saying she masterminded the affair along with my wife but I forgot to mention this, it was my daughter idea for her mother to hide her affair on her old phone and secondly some people in the comments claimed that I was verbally abusive towards my daughter but that isn't true...
I was hurdling insults towards my wife for lying to me, her parents, my parents and her friends that she cut contact with her co-worker but she hasn't, she still spoke to him, I was feeling guilty for cheating on her as a type of get back, I was advised to stop so I did but I feel no regret now.
Also I need to clarify that my daughter is 18 years old, not other random ages, I have also spoken to her and I told her I was wrong for saying that I will kick her out and saying she meant nothing to me but I will need time to heal but also she is not at fault but her mother is.
Let's take a look at some of the top responses. Readers seemed VERY torn about OP's decision:
comfortzebra writes:
NTA, but give your daughter a second chance down the road or be open to something, teens make bad choices and do not fully know the depth of their actions. She was being influenced by her mom, sounds like she felt her only choice was to help expose mom the way she did.
3littlebirds writes:
So your daughter did what you wanted, got older and realized that helping her mother was wrong, and tried to indirectly tell by showing you the evidence, when that failed told you directly. And you’re mad at her?
You’re daughter did not mastermind anyone’s affair. Your wife chose to cheat, you chose to cheat as revenge. The people in the relationship are the only ones that can cause it fail. Stop blaming everything and everyone for bad choices your wife and you made. YTA to completely cut her off.
rw7 writes:
If your daughter is around 16 like your post implies then she was VERY young when this started. That's on your wife for manipulating your daughter. you and your daughter have a lot to work through but you can deal with it together if you try.
But it's going to be hard- really hard. It's one thing to find out all this but when you add in the number of guys she's been with in the last 5 years that's going to make it hard. Just remember that you don't have to forgive her today.
You DO need time, and space, to work out your own feelings before you'll be in a good place to work on your relationship with your daughter. NTA.
kitchparticular7 writes:
I’ll go against the grain a little here and say you are not a total AH, but I did see some good points on here. It’s normal to be mad at your daughter, but you need some perspective.
Your daughter started “covering” for your wife when she was 12-13 years old if I’m getting it right. At that ages she was extremely young and very immature and impressionable.
She received gifts, but at the same time was likely threatened to some degree by your wife. At that young age, she would have been easily manipulated by her mother and the strange pattern likely became a habit.
She came clean to you because, as she matured, she realized how wrong the whole thing was. She was likely scared of her parents getting divorced which is common for younger children. She has more than likely been contemplating how to tell you for a long time, but once again was scared of the outcome.
Just like you have been destroyed by this, your daughter is likely scarred emotionally by this whole thing as well. You should calm down and then take the high road and talk to your daughter. She is a victim in all of this just as much as you are.
unfamilface writes:
YTA. YTA. YTA. Your daughter didn't f-g "betray you". She's a child. Your wife manipulated her from when SHE WAS TEN, and you failed to see past yourself. Your baby was f-n suffering and tormented enough with the guilt of being forced to shoulder the horror of your broken ass relationship that she resorted to trying to secretly warn you and eventually just told you.
Can you imagine how hard it must have been for her to tell you this? How big of a threat to her, mentally and emotionally, what you might do to your family when you found out must have been? You and your wife are both disgusting snakes. I feel so bad for both of your kids.
characterbberry writes:
ESH. You and your wife are both the assholes. Your daughter is a victim here, and despite whatever pressure her mother may have had her under, she still did what she could to show you what was really happening.
Your best move now is to stop with all of the cheating bullshit and start acting like a proper parent and adult. Your daughter is gonna have a lot to get through mentally once the dust settles, and it’ll be easier for her to work through if she doesn’t have her father as an enemy worried about how she “betrayed” him.
backgroundnewt7 writes:
YTA, both you and your wife! How old is she now? If this has gone on for 5 years, was she literally a child when this all started? If so, she truly was manipulated by an abusive mother.
She tried over time to "tell" you by letting you find that phone. She was in a hard spot and was trying to get out of it by letting you find out without having to rat out her mom verbally. You apparently ignored your wife's cheating and let her get away with it over and over, and you are mad at a kid?
So after you didn't "take the hint" that she was painting on the wall for you, she broke down and told you everything, because it's been eating her alive. It sounds to me like neither you nor her mom care what happens to this kid.
You should be angry at yourself, (I know I am!) and your daughter probably needs therapy to figure out that the role she was shoved into by your biotch of a wife as a kid who probably didn't even really know what she was doing when it started.
And you don't sound much better than your wife, to be honest. Someone else cheating does not make you cheating OK. You are responsible for your OWN character, and right now you are not looking too good to me.
Oh, and great job, both of you, teaching your kids what a marriage looks like. Y'all are going to be their "normal."
whenabeg writes:
In my opinion, you’re not an asshole for cheating. Your wife is some sort of deranged sociopath and honestly does not sound fit to parent, manipulating a child into covering her affairs.
What a horrible mother. You cheating in that scenario isn’t evil, it’s just stupid. You don’t owe her fidelity or anything else, but having a bunch of affairs is only going to make you feel worse.
You are an asshole for how you’re treating your daughter. I get that you’re mad at her, it’s understandable. But that poor poor girl got so f-d in all this.
She is a manipulated child who cared about you so much she broke her moms chains to tell you the truth, maybe the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. And the response is essentially you letting her know you don’t love her anymore..
You need to be a father to her, forgive her, and let her know you love her, and you need to do it yesterday. I worry where that girl will end up if this goes on any longer… I very much worry about that. And you will regret how you handled this for the rest of your life.
“As she got older she could have realized.” Really? The brainwashed 11 year old with a psychopath for a mother should have sorted out the right thing to do here by the age of 16 and ratted on her mom, effectively destroying her parents marriage? … and she eventually DID! She felt guilt and told you the truth! I can’t imagine how hard that would have been.
hyenashot7 writes:
ESH. Everyone sucks here. Your wife has been cheating, and manipulating your daughter for YEARS. You are secretly cheating as a getcha back. At least your didn't manipulate your child to cover your tracks, but still.
First, be the adult here, and get your kids out of the middle of an adult situation. Second, remember your daughter was a vulnerable kid this whole time, and was manipulated, badly by someone she loves, looks up to, and trusts.
Chances are she didn't completely understand what was going on or what she was really doing until she became more understanding of ADULT situations. Don't go NC with a child who really didn't have a clue what was going on until recently.
Third, get your daughter into therapy because this is going to screw her up for a long time. Fourth, cut the cheating now. Revege cheating never does any one any real good, AND you're hurting, and using the poor woman you're cheating with. She doesn't deserve that crap. Fifth, file for divorce. Done.