Dad won't help with newborn's night feedings because of high-stress construction job.

Having a newborn can throw a stress wrench in even the most healthy and loving marriages.

All of a sudden, you have two sleep-deprived partners saddled with work and outside adult responsibilities and the emotional and logistical stress of a baby who needs 24/7 attention and care. It's a lot, to say the least, so its unsurprising new tension can form and old tensions can come to a head.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for not helping his wife with their newborn at night since he works early mornings.

He wrote:

AITA for not helping my wife with our newborn at night because I work early mornings, and for asking my MIL to leave our house?

Hello Reddit, this is my first time posting here, but I'm really needing some outside perspective. I'm a (M34) and my wife is (F32). We've been married for 6 fantastic years and we recently had our first child, a beautiful girl who's now 6 weeks old. Things have been tumultuous lately, and I'm not sure if I'm the one being unreasonable.

I work a physically demanding job in construction that starts at 6 AM. This means I have to wake up at 4:30 AM to get ready and commute. My job needs me to be alert, as any lapse could lead to serious accidents. My wife is on a year-long maternity leave and has the responsibility of caring for our baby throughout the day. Here's the problem.

Our newborn, as they do, wakes up several times throughout the night. My wife has been insisting that I help with these late-night feedings and changes, but I've explained to her that a lack of sleep could seriously jeopardize my performance at work and my own safety. To add more drama into the mix, my mother-in-law has moved in with us to 'help' with the baby.

However, her idea of help often involves criticizing my wife's parenting, which only adds to her stress, and dictating how we should run our household. She’s also been siding with my wife on the nighttime assistance issue, making me feel ganged-up on in my own home. I help as much as I can when I'm off work - I take on most of the cooking, cleaning, and tend to the baby as soon as I'm home till she sleeps.

But the continuous pressure and lack of sleep are becoming unbearable. After a particularly heated argument, I told my MIL that if she wasn’t going to contribute positively, she’d need to find somewhere else to stay. My wife was upset, saying I was out of line for kicking out her mother. I feel bad, but I also think that the current situation isn't sustainable.

So, Reddit, AITA for refusing to assist with our newborn at night due to the nature of my job, and for asking my intrusive MIL to leave?

EDIT:

I should also mention that I have two stepsons from my wife's previous relationship. In addition to my work and the baby duties, I also pick them up from school, help with their homework, and take them to their sports practices after I get off work.

It's not just about the newborn; we have a whole family to take care of. So it’s not like I’m lounging around sipping a beer post-work. Balancing all these responsibilities is what makes the situation so challenging. Thanks for the feedback, though!

The jury of the internet adjourned in the comment section court to share their verdicts.

daisies4me wrote:

I’ve been married for 28 years, two kids, 25 and 15. My husband also worked construction during the younger years and we ran our own construction business as they got older. Having a newborn is hard.

It takes everything out of you and can be extremely stressful. I always took it upon myself to be sure and be up with the baby during the night so that he was able to sleep and be ready for those early morning work hours. When he came home he helped me with the babies and if I needed it, I took a nap while he did that.

I stayed home and I did as much as I could to make things easier for him as he worked a high-stress, physically demanding job outside the home. But we always made sure that each of our needs was being met and communicated with each other. This is the key. What are your needs? What are your limits? What do each of you expect from each other.

Being tired after a baby clouds everything and can be super emotional for everyone, but especially the mom. It would help if you guys can talk this out and lay out your terms so to speak. Get a schedule and stick to it so that you both are comfortable and feel heard. The mother issue is a whole other thing. Sometimes it can be helpful and sometimes a for real nightmare. I wish you guys the best.

I guess my judgment is everyone needs to be open and have more grace for each other during this time. Editing this to say, OP - you are definitely NTA! I hope you guys can work through this and come up with solutions that make this work for each of you. That compromise and grace can become the norm for you.

OverRice2524 wrote:

MIL should be actually helping more. If she took the baby for 2-3 hours during the day so mom could sleep, mom could handle the nighttimes better. You all three need to sit down and work out a plan so that you all get enough sleep.

There are 3 of you and one baby - make a plan. When baby is asleep - mom is asleep if she's breastfeeding. This won't last forever. Even if you got up 15 minutes early to change the baby then take it to your wife to feed her, it would probably help.

RB1327 wrote:

ESH, Everybody Sucks Here. You don't get to toss out your MIL, who is apparently there at your wife's request. (Under normal circumstances I would say it's 'two yesses' for any house guest, but this period of time postpartum is an exception to that rule).

Your MIL should be helping with the nighttime feedings. At this point in time, that's the main assistance she should provide. This is where the pressure needs to be applied.

Your wife is frustrated and overwhelmed and dealing with a 6-week baby is not a walk in the park, I know from experience. But sleep deprivation for someone working a physical, dangerous job (with a long commute) is not a solution.

jmp1993 wrote:

NTA. I don’t know why everyone’s so quick to jump down this guy’s throat. Look I’m a woman and if my husband were working a dangerous job I would want him to get a full night's sleep. Especially if I have a year’s maternity leave.

This guy doesn’t sound like he’s slacking. It sounds like he’s as tired as any person would be working full-time and taking care of the house and kids when not at work. And it also sounds like his wife is exhausted bc, let’s face it, babies are exhausting. The division of labor is never going to be equal.

Some weeks dad will do more, some weeks mom will. Right now, during this time of the babies life mom has to do more work at night. That’s it. As long as dad lets her rest when he comes home from work it’s not entirely fair of her to ask him to also get up with the baby. I know she’s probably feeling hormonal and nothing fair isn’t on her mind and that’s ok too.

But it is unreasonable to ask the husband to pick up an extra task when it could hurt him or someone else. And dad, maybe you could have a set weekend day where you don’t accept overtime and the previous night you’ll take care of baby. MIL just sounds exhausting and a waste of space especially if husband is already doing all the cooking and cleaning.

Latter-Shower-9888 wrote:

NAH - everyone's sleep-deprived and everyone is overwhelmed. You are not being unreasonable to request a solid night's sleep given your job. Can you invite MIL back and request she help with night feedings and changes? And then on the nights you aren't working, you can do it. It seems like you're picking up slack everywhere else with your other kids and cooking and cleaning.

This seems like a classic case of everyone being overwhelmed, and there being no singular AHs in the bunch.