Aunt says dad and daughter's habits are 'weird and creepy'; calls him a 'lazy father.'
"AITA raising my daughter to be 'weird' and 'creepy'?"
I have a 6 year old daughter, Alyssa. My wife passed shortly after her birth, so I've raised Alyssa alone. My family is horrible, and my late wife's family lives in another country so they weren't couldn't help.
For context, I have Asperger's, and (I think from it) a habit of thinking aloud. I tend to kinda commentate and/or talk to myself. Verbalising my thoughts, repetition, and rhythm, help me think and remember. I find it especially helps at work.
It also leads me to making crappy, short songs when I need to remember stuff (these I definitely try not to near others). It's not always conscious, often I don't even realise I'm actually voicing it aloud. While I try to avoid it around others, at home it kind of just happens. My late wife found it amusing, though it probably got annoying.
Last year Alyssa picked up the habit. She would say what she's thinking, especially when cleaning or focussing (same as me). While I have talked about not saying inappropriate or rude thoughts, I haven't really cared much overall. My parents shamed me for anything abnormal I did and it hurt, so I am careful not to make her feel that way. Besides if it helps her clean better, that's great.
My wife's sister, Tana, moved about half an hour away last month. I never expected it, but Tana's husband got a great opportunity, and they've both wanted to move from home. Since they were finally close by, Alyssa and I have spent a lot of time with them and the kids.
Tana has commented a few times if I or Alyssa accidentally talk to myself, but I always laughed it off. The last straw was last week when Alyssa was helping me clean after a lunch.
She basically talked herself through it. Tana got annoyed and basically told her it's weird and not to do it. Alyssa stopped but was upset. I told Alyssa she's fine, and talked to Tana afterwards. She refused to accept that it's not a big deal and said I have to raise her properly.
Apparently it's weird and wrong, and basically I'm a lazy father by ignoring it. My brother in law basically said that it's creepy and said that I'm setting Alyssa up for failure. I got upset and tried to explain that it's not such a big deal, we argued, and I kicked them out until they apologise for insulting Alyssa.
I just don't get it. She doesn't think there's some imaginary man talking to her, at worst she imagines what I would answer (from what Alyssa has told me).
But like saying 'where has the plate gone?' then 'oh there it is, now where does it go' to ' in the drawer, there we go it's away, now what's next! ...' etc etc as we clean. It doesn't matter imo.
But I definitely don't exactly have a 'normal' perspective. In my life a few people have found it weird, but it's never really been a problem outside of home growing up. Is it an important issue I'm missing, or lead to something? I don't think I'm wrong, but Tana thinks I'm a massive AH for punishing her when she was just trying to help me.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
lingwisht writes:
NTA, and what you’ve modeled for your daughter is actually a great cognitive development tool called “self talk”! It’s something that is taught to adults with memory or concentration issues, and for her to be using it so young means she has extra scaffolding under her self-development for years to come.
Adults who are so opposed to a child literally just saying/singing what they’re doing are probably just projecting their own embarrassment onto her, as if she’s doing something wrong when the actual issue is theirs to deal with.
herefsandrew writes:
I (59m, mildly Aspergers) used to do this, grew out of it eventually. I have had a lot of cruel mockery from neurotypical people who thought it was weird and you know what? The hell with those people. NTA.
NTA, I talk myself through tedious tasks a lot. It helps, sometimes I'm using my inner voice but more helpful is to normally talk. What I've heard it is pretty common in neurodivergent people. Maybe it is time to have your daughter assessed, she may be autistic too. It's pretty common.
My both children have ADHD, just like me and I'm in low contact with my fathers side of family because they don't understand that people process things differently. And I don't want to reinforce shame in my kids because they are "too sensitive, or too loud, too curious, too much,... ".
My mother's side of family took different quirks a lot better, guess it's because ADHD came from this side of family and they were more acustomed to deal with neurodivergents.
aitatalktoself OP:
I definitely agree with that. It definitely helps with boring stuff soooo much. And about the shaming sadly relate too much. It was punished even when I had no control. Especially with my hands, I literally didn't even know what I was doing, but would get yelled at whenever they noticed, so frustrating.
I think she's too young to be diagnosed or anything. At least from what I understand. She's a lot better than I was socially so I'm not sure if it's that', but J do plan to look into it.