'I think my GF doesn't see my kids as legitimate. Where do I go from here?' UPDATED

"I think my (M29) girlfriend (F28) doesn't see my children as legitimate, and I don't know where I can go from here?"

I'm going to try and summarise this situation as much as possible, it's late here so if things don't make sense please ask me to clarify. My girlfriend, "Em", and I met when at University almost 10 years ago. We had been friends on and off since then, but it was never like we were super close.

We met again at a new years party a year ago and we started talking more and eventually we started dating. I'm a foster parent, my parents were one when I was growing up and once I reached of age to qualify I trained to become one myself.

I've been fostering since I was about 22 years old. I currently foster 3 boys, the older two are biological brothers and moved in with me a couple years ago. But the youngest one "11" has lived with me for five years.

This is something that I obviously made very clear to Em when we started dating, to which she had always been incredibly supportive. I introduced her as my "girlfriend" to them about 6 months ago, I know that took me a long time but I'm super cautious with introducing new people to them especially considering some of their pasts surrounding step-parents.

She never rushed me into introducing them, and has never tried to force a relationship with them. Looking back, I don't know if she has even tried to form a solid relationship with them at all.

"11" has been moved to a long-term placement with me (which is two steps below adoption), it means he is never going to be removed from my household or reintroduced back into his bio-family. He is my son, calls me dad, etc.

He hadn't been in contact with his bio-family for over 2 years, and has been really wanting to get in contact with his mom. I have been trying my hardest to arrange this for him, but his bio-mom just hasn't been willing, since he's moved in with me she's had 3 more children who have all stayed living with her.

This is something 11 really struggles with, he has such complex feelings of abandonment that I couldn't even begin to unpick them here. But I have been working to build his self-worth back up, it has been a long road with so many ups and downs, but I feel like I am getting somewhere with him finally.

Me and his SW finally managed to arrange contact with his bio-mom and that she agreed to meet him in person, this has been what he has been begging for, for years. It was arranged for last Sunday. Looking back she immediately seemed off after I told her. When I asked she just told me that she had had a bad day at work, even though she seemed fine prior.

About 5 days after I told her when the contact was arranged for, she asked to meet up for "romantic" dinner. I asked my mom to have the boys for the evening and met her at her favourite restaurant. And she told me she had booked a romantic lodge trip, I was initially excited. But I found out she had booked it for the same weekend 11 was meeting his bio-mom.

I told her I wouldn't be able to go, that I needed to be with 11 because I knew that he was going to have such a hard time processing his emotions and thoughts after his contact; and that he would just need that support.

She went off on me, saying how I always prioritise the boys and never her and how I should be happy that she booked and paid for the getaway even though I make more money than her. She said I should get my mom to do the contact, or ask their agency to arrange someone. I said no, I wanted to be there to support 11.

She said something along the lines of "you won't be able to do this when we have a child". We ended up having a huge argument, she left the restaurant and then texted me some pretty nasty things later, and then yesterday she messaged just normal messages as if nothing happened, but I haven't responded.

I've come to realise that she doesn't consider my boys as genuinely part of my family. She doesn't see me as a dad, she sees me as a babysitter. I don't want this relationship to be over, genuinely I love her. I'm the type of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve.

And I have felt so depressed since the fight, and it was even worse that I just had to almost wear an emotional mask for 11 the past week because he has been so depressed after seeing his mom that I don't want him to see me depressed.

Where do I go from here? Please don't give advice of "just break up" because I know that's an option but I don't want to take it. It's hard finding people with what I do for a living, and I feel so broken that I thought I had found someone real.

TL;DR: My girlfriend and I had a huge fight because she planned a romantic getaway on the same weekend my foster son was meeting his bio-mom for the first time. She thinks I prioritise the kids over her and I don't think she sees them as my real family. I love her and don't want to break up, but I'm struggling with her lack of understanding and support for my role as a foster parent. Where do I go from here?

What are your thoughts? This is what top commenters had to say:

iamltr said:

So this comment, "She said something along the lines of "you won't be able to do this when we have a child." did not make you stop and think? she fully expects you to stop caring for the children who are not yours if this is real and you love these kids like you say you do, you have no choice but to break up

OP responded:

I didn’t miss that red flag, that’s what caused our huge argument. What made me conflicted was the fact that she hasn’t been like this before. Yes, she’s been distant with them. But I thought that was because of the trauma I told her about. But now I’m thinking it’s because she doesn’t respect them as members of my family.

SquilliamFancySon95 said:

"Please don't give advice of 'just break up' because I know that's an option but I don't want to take it." Your kids are your priority. Do you think it's fair that they have to share their lives with a woman that doesn't treat them as family? If you're going to be a foster parent then you need a partner that's on board with that, don't settle for someone just because you don't want to be alone.

Ash-leg2 said:

Through most of this post it seems obvious you love your kids more than her - which is exactly how it should be. She's shown she can't handle that. You two are not compatible. End of story (and end of relationship).

But then your ending... Why are you so adamant about staying with her knowing she doesn't care about your children? It makes it seem like you're willing to make your children suffer to stay with her which is obviously sh!t behavior on your part.

And nuttynutdude said:

I mean, yeah you absolutely should prioritize your kids over her. The idea that her date plans should force you to cancel ANY preexisting plans with your kids, much less a meeting this important to your son is ludicrous.

If you really want this to continue, and to be completely honest most people wouldn’t tolerate how she treated you, you’re gonna need to sit her down and reiterate that your kids are your priority and the “pretty nasty things” she said aren’t ok, because staying with her long term means she at some capacity becomes their mom.

A few weeks after his original post, he shared this update:

Hi everyone, thank you guys for the support I got from my first post. I really appreciate all the love I got sent about me and my boys. I just wanted to clarify some things from my original post. - Some people made a lot of really unfounded assertions about me and my family based simply off the post:

- People saying I would let Em abuse my sons, obviously not true, and I think it's mad that people even made came to that conclusion. I was slow to introduce Em to my boys, due to their past trauma with step-parents.

Only introducing them about 6 months ago. Looking back I can notice that she was very distant with the boys, but at the time I had attributed that her maintaining boundaries because of their past trauma.

- I had people commenting that I would be 'giving my sons up' when I had biological children (simply not true, or even ever suggested by me). I don't really need to say this, but obviously not true, and pretty insulting thing to even try to suggest.

- I had people commenting that I shouldn't call my children "my children" because they haven't been legally adopted. 11 has been long-term matched with me, and my other two are in the process. They are as permanent as biological children. I see them no different, and they don't see themselves as any different.

- I even had people saying I was perpetuating toxic masculinity by saying I was 'wearing a mask' to support 11 while he was depressed after seeing his mom. I express my emotions to him plenty, he did not need anything additional at that time. I did wear a mask so I could support him without him thinking I was feeling overwhelmed.

Just thought I'd hop on and give an update about where Em and I are at currently with our relationship. I messaged Em back and asked that we meet up and have a conversation in person. By this point I had already decided I was going to officially end things with her, but I didn't say that over the phone as I think it's more 'proper' to do it in person.

We met up in town, I asked her why she booked the holiday for the same weekend as 11's visit even though she knew it was then. She told me she 'forgot', but honestly I don't believe her. I think this was a test. Someone commented that she purposely put me in a position where I could not be the good guy.

No matter what I would choose someone would be let down. And honestly I think she underestimated my devotion to my children, she thought I would just go with her and I think she was genuinely shocked when I didn't. But I don't understand why, I am quite accommodating, but I have always made it clear my children are my first priority.

I asked her if she fully understood what my boys mean to me, she said she did. But then in the same breath tried to say again that I could have arranged someone from the agency to take him to the visit. I asked how she would have felt if your father cancelled an important day with you to go on holiday with their girlfriend? And she said to me "You aren't their dad. You need to stop acting like you are."

I tried to say something say something I had planned out before, but I am such a bad speaker it probably didn't sound anything as good as what I am about to write. But this is what my plan was: "I am their father. I am. Just because they aren't related to me by blood does not make them my family.

They are my children, the fact you think I'm not their dad is insane. There is absolutely no way I am letting you poison out relationship or act in any way toxic to them. They mean far, FAR, more to me than you ever have or ever will. Our relationship is over." And I left.

I feel like she's changed so much, but someone commented that she actually just showing her true colours. Which is true perhaps. But I feel so led on and hurt. It's so hard to date with what I do for a living. So hard.

But as you guys said, I don't need to stay in a toxic relationship just because I'm scared it will be hard to find a new positive relationship. I also had people say it will be easier in my 30s compared to my 20s because people will want to settle down more. I hope that is true. But yes, we are completely through.

If I could use this moment to say, people please look into fostering. Fostering is hard, so hard. But really worth it. You are actively creating a better future and life for an individual in ways that you might not even see, but you are.

You are creating a safe and loving environment for an individual that may have never had it before. You are helping a person have a positive future whereas they may have just fallen to the cycle of abuse before. If you are a caring and loving person, please look into it.