Dad doesn't want young kids to visit dying grandma, family is taking sides.
When this man is conflicted about visiting his grandma, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for not taking my kids to visit my dying grandma?'
My grandma (my dad's mom) is in her 90s. Both her mental and physical health have been declining quite a bit in the last year and earlier this year she had to be put in a nursing home.
Most of this year she's still been doing well enough to come to family gatherings and holidays, but she wasn't well enough to come to Thanksgiving.
My dad had warned me that she wasn't doing well and wouldn't be at Thanksgiving.
She probably doesn't have much time left and he suggested I visit her on black Friday because it might be the last chance I have to see her. I live a few hours away so I usually only see family every month or two.
My wife and I planned to go visit and I asked my parents if they'd watch our kids (6 and 8) while we went and visited her. That's when the trouble started.
My dad seemed confused at first and didn't understand why I wasn't taking them with me. I have personal reasons for not wanting to take them.
When I was a kid I was lucky enough that some of my great grandparents lived long enough that I remember them well. But I also watched my great-grandma die of Alzheimer's.
I remember visiting her in the nursing home and the memories I have of her near the end of her life aren't especially pleasant.
I don't really want my kids' last memories of their great-grandma to be her confused and afraid and not knowing who any of us are.
My dad was pretty upset about it. He thought I was being cruel to both my kids and my grandma by not giving them what might be a last chance to see each other.
At the end of the day my mom agreed to watch the kids and my wife and I visited my grandma alone. She was semi-lucid while we were there.
She had periods where she seemed to know what was going on and others where she didn't know who I was or was clearly hallucinating. I honestly don't know if I made the right choice or not.
My dad was pretty upset about it the rest of the weekend. He made several comments and before we left for home he told me he hopes I don't regret keeping them from seeing her one last time if she dies before Christmas.
Am I the asshole here?
Let's find out.
14reader writes:
NTA. You wanted to make sure your kids had a happy last memory of their great-grandma. Everyone can have their opinion about it, but the kids are young and as parents, your wife and you can make the decision the way you think is better for them.
theashendemon4 writes:
NAH, I fully understand both sides.
This happened to my grandmother, and I didn’t get to see her in her final moments because my parents didn’t want me to remember her like that.
Tbh I kind of wished I could have sometimes, but I don’t resent my parents for the choice because I see where they were coming from.
jovon35 writes:
Uuuum no NTA. He put you in a bad situation by seeing your great grandma in the state you did just so he could quell some distorted sense of obligation. That was solely for HIS benefit.
That did nothing positive for you or your great grandmother. I am so sorry he put you both through that. You put your children's and grandmother's needs first and that is what a great parent does. Good job OP, I'm truly sorry that she is not doing well.