Man asks fiancé to sleep on couch so autistic daughter can have bed; she's annoyed.
AITA for asking my fiancée to sleep on the pull out couch so my daughter could sleep in my bed?
So I (43m) have a fiancée (39f) and I also have a daughter (16f), and the three of us traveled to visit my fiancées parents to have them meet us.
Last night we got a hotel for the last night before we drove home, and my fiancée and I were in the master bed and my daughter was in the pull out couch bed in the next room, and shortly after we went to sleep, my daughter asked if she could sleep in my bed with me.
My daughter is on the spectrum and has anxiety from previous trauma and has some trouble with being alone in unfamiliar places, so I said absolutely and I initially offered to go sleep on the pull out couch with her but she said it was very uncomfortable and she needed to sleep on a real mattress.
I asked my fiancée if she’d be willing to sleep on the pull out couch for the night, and she seemed a little annoyed. I offered to get another room for us or to figure something else out, but she insisted it was ok. So my daughter and I shared the master bed and my fiancée slept on the pull out couch.
Today we got home and she’s seemed kind of passive aggressive with me and when I asked what was wrong, she said she felt completely sidelined and like she was treated with no respect or decency last night.
I told her I was sorry but my daughter was in distress and I needed to do something, and she insisted she’s not a little kid and could’ve done something else that didn’t involve sleeping in my bed with me.
Then I told her she was starting to get out of line and she needs to understand I have an autistic daughter so if we’re going to be together, she needs to understand stuff like this will happen from time to time. She got very annoyed with me and then walked off. AITA?
Here's what people had to say:
Oddish197 writes:
Erm, she’s 16. Autistic or not, she can’t be sleeping in bed with daddy. Being in the same room? No bother. Asking your wife to be to get out of bed so your nearly adult daughter can snuggle in with you instead? Nope. At that age you need to encourage independence. This coddling won’t do her any favours at all. Yta
wagonloadofbs OP responded:
Why not? My daughter will ALWAYS be welcome to snuggle with me no matter how old she is. She has anxiety from previous trauma so what would you have done? Say “tough sh*t” and send her back?
Two beds should always be available moving forward. I think a lot of this was probably the bed was more comfortable. Autism does come with sensory things too.
(Hi, I’m on the spectrum) so while as I’m not saying that was full manipulation, there was SOME. Her main interest was probably comfort but she didn’t want to start with that excuse cause it does come off selfish.
Vinity2 writes:
This was my thought too. UP till she said she didn't want him on the couch with her as it was uncomfortable, I wonder if it was a manipulation. We don't really know if she has sensory issues or is just using her autism as an excuse.
Kiki3838 writes:
You have no idea where on the spectrum this child falls. Claiming manipulation is wrong without additional information but blaming a child with a disability is a bit disturbing. Fairness means treating people according to their needs. This does not always mean it will be equal.
Inconceivable76 writes:
OP should have slept on the pullout couch. Either with the fiancé or by themself. YTA, OP.
Update from OP:
We talked about it this morning and she said she didn’t want to come between us so she’d sleep on the couch, but bit off more she could chew. But in hindsight, yeah it wasn’t cool of me to not get two beds.