Man GHOSTS ex-wife when she sends UNHINGED text about their daughter. AITA?
When this man is annoyed with his ex-wife, he asks Reddit:
"AITA for not replying to a text from my ex-wife about our daughter?"
My ex and I have a decent enough coparenting relationship, but things still pop up. About a month ago, she sent me this:
"And fyi had some issues with [DAUGHTER] this weekend. She got mad at herself and hit herself in the head then later threw pajamas at me and on another incident kicked my seat in the car.
I know you historically haven’t cared much when things happen at my place and not yours so I guess I’m just letting you know to let me know if you see any of that at your place."
This daughter just turned 7, just for a frame of reference. I did not reply to this text. We’d had similar exchanges before, with this particular daughter acting out at my ex’s house but not mine.
So we met to discuss it, and that discussion went poorly. I tried to tell her the things I did at my house to make sure our daughter was happy, calm, and comfortable. My ex got defensive and started yelling, and finally demanded an apology for something I had done while we were married several years ago (nothing severe).
I refused to rehash the marriage and chose to focus on the child. She kept yelling, and I eventually just asked her to leave.
I did not reply to that particular text, however there were many, many texts following that I replied to promptly. So yesterday she texts me that she feels “alone” in parenting our children and needs more attention from me. For the record, I have the kids 50/50, but because of my ex’s work schedule, in addition to 50/50 time I also:
Pick up the older daughter from her on all her mornings and take her to school so my ex can tend to the younger one (my ex does not help me at all on my mornings). Pick up both kids from all extracurriculars because my ex’s schedule doesn’t allow. This is 3 days per week I am picking them up from school.
Get them off the bus on all non-extracurricular days. They stay with me until my ex can get them. Handle every single sick day and vacation day because I WFH and she does not.
Just listing this out here so it is understood I am not an absentee father at all, and am very active and involved with my children.
I am greatly offended by her text saying “I know you haven’t historically cared much”, because caring for my children is basically the only thing I do well. In my mind, I just refused to engage with my ex as she was getting passive-aggressive and shitty with me.
I won’t engage in another conversation with her that ends in her yelling at me about something I did years ago while married. If she wants to have a chat about the kids, she needs to approach me in a non-accusatory and respectful way.
I told her this and she replied back that we “need a mediator”. Anyway. Am I the asshole?
Let's see what readers thought.
rapscallion writes:
NTA. You're her ex. You shouldn't have to be her emotional support or her emotional punching bag. She sounds somewhat unhinged and not over you at all. She demands of you and it sounds like you are going above and beyond for the kid.
Her yelling at you makes me wonder if she's yelling at the 7 year old, which is potentially emotionally abusive. The kid hitting herself in inspired by....something going on at your ex's house.
More than a mediator, you should ensure the kid is in counseling. And I'd consider lawyering up. What the heck IS going on that has inspired that 7 year old to self harm? Is Mom abusing her? Did she really hit herself? Or is that Mom covering up for abuse?
NTA. But you need to take steps and evaluate this situation carefully. This is potentially an awful situation for your daughter.
shadowfoxe writes:
ESH- I think you ignoring the text did not help any. Why not tell her "Sure, will let you know if I see her do this". If it doesnt happen, then nothing else needs to be said. Her first text is something parents should share as its behavior that needs to be monitored.
And you aren't reading her text logically, she said that you dont care what happens at her house, nothing was said that you dont care about the kids. Her comment was not needed either way.
And yes if she can't keep her cool, then having someone else help mediate is what you should do. So arrange for it to happen.
bamf4 writes:
NTA. You are divorced - you don’t owe her more attention. You do your part in co-parenting. But you are not her partner any more.