Man helps raise 2 of his ex wife's kids, now she wants him to help with the 3rd.
I (60/m) have what I consider to be four children. My first wife had two children - Paul and Ruby- before we married and because I loved her, I loved those children as my own. In our marriage, we had one child, Lucas.
When Lucas was four, my then-wife decided that since we'd gotten married in our mid-20s, we had married too young and she needed time to figure herself out. It devastated me but we remained cordial and we've been amazing co-parents.
For all of these years, I've treated Paul and Ruby like my own children and they have keys to my home.
Important note: OP's wife got re-married and had a daughter named Marrissa with her new husband.
The problem now has to do with Charlotte, my youngest son's girlfriend. Charlotte and Lucas have been friends since they were in 7th grade and they started dating in 9th grade. Me and my current wife became legal guardians of Charlotte due to abuse at her house and we unofficially adopted her when she was 14. She's my fourth child.
For all of my children, I paid for their college education, got them cars on their 16th birthdays, you name it. Lucas and Charlotte went to medical school and I paid for their tuition. They're in residency now and I pay the rent for both of their apartments.
My ex-wife likes Charlotte but the other day, she told me she needed me to start helping Marissa the way I help Charlotte. I was shocked because in the more than thirty years I've known her, she's never demanded anything. And Marissa is the child she has with her current husband so I don't feel any obligation towards Marissa.
I told my ex-wife that Marissa is not my child and that I want the best for her because she's the half sister of three of my children but I will not be contributing financially.
I told my ex that whatever money she's saved from me treating Paul and Ruby as my own children, she needs to contribute that savings toward Marissa. I mentioned how she didn't have to pay for anything regarding the two of them in the time she's known me.
Her response was that Charlotte is not my daughter until Lucas marries her and that I'm punishing Marissa because of who her father is.
I could afford to help Marissa but I'm choosing not and I've never had a fight with my ex until now and it makes me concerned about how Lucas will view me, or already views me, for not helping his sister out.
What should I do?
From the comments:
JustKaren13 says:
NTA. If you’re worried about what Lucas will think, talk to him about it. He’s a grown man in medical school. He probably has a good head on his shoulders
Familymeeting2 OP resonded:
Thank you. I've decided to take him to dinner and speak to him about it.
Just one thing: he's not in med school anymore, though. He and Charlotte are in a surgical residency. Almost done, too. Yes, I just wanted to brag on them.
Haha you're right, he's a grown man and can handle the conversation.
troysyx says:
Anyone else in the middle of the story go 'what?! Who the hell is Marissa?!?!?'
NTA
Familymeeting2 responded:
Well...sounds like exactly how she came into my life.
Familymeeting2 added:
Charlotte has been my daughter for fourteen years and she's been in my will for just as long. If she comes home tomorrow and tells me she broke up with Lucas and is pregnant by someone else, she's still my daughter. In that scenario, I'd be upset about the drama, though.
smurfgrl417 asks:
INFO: Is your ex of sound mind or has she always had this entitled audacity?
Familymeeting2 responded:
Haha this is the first time in over thirty years she's ever demanded anything of me. I would have never considered her entitled before this.
evelbug says:
If I had to guess, the new guy is not a financially as well off as you. Ex wanted to see if the grass was greener or more exciting or what not, and not realizes she misses some of the financial security and comfort she had when she was with you.
So, now she is trying to guilt her into stepping back into your sugar daddy role without you getting any of the benefits that come with it.
NTA
Familymeeting2 OP responded:
You're right, he's not as financially well off. I do think she regrets the divorce but I don't know if it's about the money, I think she was just very impulsive for most of her life and is starting to think about things.
Lettuce-Beginning says:
NTA. Sounds like your ex has been taking advantage of your generosity.
Familymeeting2 responded
What she conveniently forgets is I've gone above and beyond for Paul and Ruby. Paul had a mental health crisis when he was 26 and he lived with me for two years. I did not make him pay rent to me, and I bought his groceries. I paid for his therapy and I was a shoulder for him to cry on those two years.
Paul has been an equally good son to me. There is genuine love with between my four children and I. I do not know Marissa.
QUIBICUS says:
You sound like an awesome dad. Keep up the good work.
happily_retiredguy says:
I give you 12/10 for your humanity thus far. It is unfortunate that Marissa was dealt a weak hand in Parent Poker but she is 100% not your responsibility.