Man's husband won't let them adopt a 6 yo girl because she seems 'prejudiced.'
When these husbands are concerned about the girl they might adopt, OP asks Reddit:
'AITA for trying to convince my partner to adopt a kid that might be prejudiced?'
I (31M) and my partner (33M) decided a few years ago that we wanted to have a child. We discussed surrogacy and adoption, eventually going with the latter because we wanted to give a child a home.
It has been a long, difficult process, but now we have the opportunity to adopt a little 6-year old girl. For the context of this story, my husband and I are white, but he is a bit tanner.
The little girl, 'Chloe', is African-American. We were so charmed by her when we met and she seems really fun and outgoing. I was concerned she might worry at the 'two dads' thing, but she didn't comment on it at all (keep in mind, we are not near adoption yet, just first meeting). The idea was to foster first since we already went through the process (but not set in stone).
About halfway through the meeting, my partner started acting weird. He was talking to her less and seemed less interested. We said goodbye and I asked what was up in the car. My partner said 'She asked if she was going to have to live with white people'.
I was shocked but laughed and he said it was when I was using the restroom. I shrugged it off and told him she probably doesn't understand and we would have to expect some things when adopting a child.
He called her racist and said there was nothing we can do about it. I said that was WAY too harsh and she was a wonderful kid. She said something she shouldn't have and if we were able to adopt her, that is something that we would have to address.
My partner lost it, saying that adopting a kid that would be racist towards us will not work and I was setting us up for failure. We needed the kid to 'feel right' if we were going to make a big life-altering change like adoption. Now I am upset because I don't know if he is right or not.
Are we supposed to wait for this life-altering feeling when adopting a child? I really loved spending time with Chloe and KNOW IN MY HEART that we would give her a wonderful home.
My partner says that I am not listening to his feelings on the matter. I can concede that when we were looking at the adoption process, I thought our lifestyle would be the issue, not our race. AITA?
Let's see what internet users had to say.
queenofrule writes:
ESH (except Chloe) - other people have pretty much hit the nail on the head with the fact that if it’s not an enthusiast “yes!” from both of you then it’s a no. Also it’s pretty important to understand that a young Black girl has every right to be concerned about living with white people.
That’s not racist. Are you and your partner prepared to do the work necessary to adopt outside of your race to ensure that there’s no lasting harm or trauma caused to the child (even if unintentionally)?
shutupmorrisey writes:
I know reddit is not gonna like this but a) its not possible to be racist against white people - that's prejudice. B) she wasn't being prejudiced, she was just curious. c) your partner needs greater education about this subject before you take on an African American kid. His thinking that she's racist towards white ppl is a huge red flag.
theowlsyndicate writes:
OMG I love white people who think any mention of color or race is automatically racist. Grow up. Chloe is growing up black in a world that will always treat her as less and she already knows this. You and your partner are in no way prepared to nurture a black child or deal with the inevitable and uncomfortable questions coming your way from her, her classmates, her teachers and strangers on the street.
Please don't adopt children of color until you are prepared to deal with the same world they have to deal with. ESH (except for Chloe, who asked a reasonable and understandable question.)