'AITA for telling my fiancée she’s selfish for not letting extended family move in?'
"AITA for telling my fiancée she’s selfish for not letting extended family move in?"
I’m 30M. I’ve been with my fiancée(28) for 7 years, and we currently don’t have any kids. We do plan on trying in the next year or so. My fiancée just graduated from her RN program so a lots been on hold since she was in school.
Recently, me and my 2 younger siblings had to put our mother in a nursing home because of Alzheimer’s. Both my siblings, and nephew has lived with with my mom all their lives. My 26yo brother has severe autism and anxiety, while my sister (22) is a young mom to a 4 year old who’s been hopping jobs needing my moms support.
Their dad, (who’s not my dad) lives states away and hasn’t offered to help or take them in during this time. Which leaves me (as the oldest sibling) to fix things. While my fiancée is aware of everything that’s going on, before we even starting talking about arrangements she told me “don’t even think about moving everyone in here.”
I told her she needs to consider what my family is going through, and she seemed to have no empathy. She started throwing out how my sister has always been co-dependent on my mom with her kid and that it’s not our problem to fix. I’ve never sensed my fiancée truly loving my sister, but she’s been cordial.
She also said my siblings are too grown to be depending on their brother, especially since I plan to get married and have children in the next couple years. We do have 2 spare bedrooms, one which my fiancée wanted to make an office but I said that could possibly wait since I’m strongly considering them moving in for just a year. A YEAR.
My fiancée said within that year we’d most likely never marry and that the dream family we planned on having wouldn’t happen. I told her of course I’d charge my siblings rent, because we did just move.
She told me that was BS because neither of them have good jobs and that was the reason they never moved out of my moms to begin with.
She also thinks a year is far to long, and most likely we wouldn’t be able to get them out. I asked her what is the point of marriage if we can’t make sacrifices together? A big reason I’m marrying her is because how thoughtful and religious she is, but I’m seeing a whole different person when we talk about this.
I told her she was selfish asf for not understanding, and I know she would move her siblings in if the situation was reversed. She says I’m selfish for throwing “our” future families plans down the drain and supporting grown adults. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
youthasia writes:
You have different priorities. Your fiance knows darned good and well that if your family moves in-they will never move out. And she isn’t enthusiastic about legally binding herself to you and starting a family under these conditions.
At least you let her know your priorities now, rather than after you are married or have gotten her pregnant.
YTA This is not her fault. You want different things. Now you know she doesn’t want to become a caretaker for several people, two of whom are grown ass adults. Let her go.
judgingahole writes:
NAH - You don't want your family on the streets and that's understandable. But you can't just move them in with her adamantly against moving them in.
She's not wrong though about them probably never leaving if they move in. And I could see how she wouldn't want to have 2 grown adults and child encroaching on her space, especially in a 2 bedroom apartment. It sounds like you have different priorities. Good luck.
rightcount writes:
YTA. Are you for real? What you’re proposing is extreme. Your siblings come with a lot of baggage and they really ought to be fending for themselves at this point. Asking your gf to take on that burden for a whole year is too much. And what’s going to happen after a year?
They’re just going to magically become independent adults and move out on their own?
Surely you could support them in other ways. If they could have paid you rent, they can pay someone else rent, and you could provide support by helping them learn to be more independent.