Bipolar wife thinks daughter uses her mental illness as excuse, husband says she's just scared.
"AITA for being too honest in my conversation with my wife over my daughter's situation?"
Quirky_Exam3942
My wife (42) has severe depression (bipolar) and spends most of the day in bed unless she is medicated. She has tried all kinds of medication and only ADHD medication has worked for her. However, due to high levels of blood pressure, she had to stop taking it and therefore is back to bed.
I am responsible for cleaning the house, cooking, washing dishes and most of the clothes, taking my daughter (9) to activities, and teaching her when she needs help with school. I also work full time.
I do not expect my wife to help, and don't put pressure on her. After all, she is sick. But it has been very hard for me, and until today, our daughter was not being affected by the situation (apparently).
Nonethleess, school called today saying that daughter was crying. She told the school nurse that she was worried about her mom being sick all the time. We have not heard my daughter's story because she is still at school.
My wife thinks that this happened because yesterday my wife told the mother of one of my daughter's school friends that she was sick and could not take my daughter to a play date. So, my wife thinks that my daughter's friend brought up the situation at school and made my daughter cry.
My wife also has come up with the idea that my daughter might be manipulating her to skip physical education (I would never have thought something like that).
My perception of the event was that my daughter was crying because she is indeed anxious with the situation (mom always sick). I said that we need to find a way to deal with the situation so that it does not affect our daughter.
My wife got super mad and said that I was blaming her. I said it is not her fault since she does not choose to be sick, but we do have a problem that needs attention so that we can help our daughter to grow not feeling insecure, afraid or anxious given that the problem exists. It has been the reality of our lives for over 10 years and is likely to continue.
When my daughter is not listening to her (like when she is asked to take a shower), she always says to our kid that she feels sick and our kid needs to listen because of that. So she uses her mental issue as a way to make our kid listen to her (I haven't said this because she is too mad already).
I also said she should not talk to other parents from my daughter school about her health issues, given that they can tell my daughter's friends and they can bring it up to school. She got mad about that as well. Am it the a**hole here? I am open to advices. Thanks!
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
R-AzZZ
NTA. The conversation that needs to be had is around how your daughter is being impacted by the situation - not squabbling over what happened. If her social life is being affected it means eventually her emotional well-being will be impacted then her education and so on as everything is linked.
Like you, I don't think your wife should use her condition as an excuse for your daughter to listen to her. I'd be interested to know when your wife was diagnosed with severe depression.
Different-League665
Your wife constantly says “do this because I’m sick”, and now the daughter is crying that her mom is sick, and your wife is refusing to see that? I think you need to point out the obviousness, even if she is mad.
FluidSport5238
NTA as a person in his 20s with bipolar 1 I’m telling you right now get your wife medicated and go to counseling together like right now right away and buddy just a fair warning your daughter probably is gonna have something as she grows older and becomes a teenager.
Tell your wife it’s time to grow up and take care of her sh*t simple because this is only going to get worse as your daughter grows up and you guys get older.
SgtFriskers
NTA. I have Bipolar 2 so please understand that I am coming from a place of knowledge and empathy for the difficulty of the situation.
Bipolar depression doesn't typically present 24/7/375. It can be an extended mood state, but if that is her only mood ever, then you might want to look into an alternative diagnosis. Regardless, your wife needs to be in psychiatric and therapeutic care for her illness.
Her illness and the lack of treatment is absolutely impacting your daughter, and both you and your wife are doing your daughter a huge disservice by not continuing to seek treatment. There are so many medications out there, including some newer ones that are worth trying.
She also needs to be in therapy to learn how to handle her illness so that it doesn't have such a negative impact on your child. It's not your wife's fault she has a severe mental illness, but that doesn't mean she is off the hook for her behavior. It's not a write-off that can be used to excuse her actions and words. It doesn't undo hurt she causes to your child.
She cannot be allowed to continue weaponizing her illness against your daughter. That's abusive, and something that will have lasting consequences, where your daughter could grow to feel responsible for your wife's illness.
You both need to be taking steps to take care of your daughter. I know it's hard, and you're exhausted from carrying so much of the burden, but if you want your kid to be okay, you need to take action.
Get your daughter into therapy to help her with the big emotions she's experiencing about living with a parent with a serious illness. Get your wife into additional care. I wish you the best of luck with this extremely difficult situation.
DueIsland2983
NTA. A parent's illness - especially a chronic illness - is hard for a kid to deal with and very hard to raise in an age-appropriate way for a 9 year old. You don't want to burden the kid or scare her, but you also can't pretend that everything is OK and that your wife's illness doesn't affect the whole family.
I disagree with you on the idea that your wife can't talk about her health with other parents; making a deep, dark secret isn't healthy either. She needs to be able to share as she wishes to.
I also genuinely don't think the real issue is from outside the house; your wife's assumption that it came from other kids feels like a way to avoid the (unreasonable) feelings of guilt at the thought that her illness is hurting your daughter. You might be TA a bit for pushing on that issue.
This entire issue is very, very difficult for all of you (most of all your wife). You could probably use family therapy to help navigate it.