Man visits late son's grave on living twin's bday, wife says 'stop living in the past.'
Grief hits everyone in radically different ways. Some people create rituals to keep the memory of a loved one alive, while others fill the void with new traditions and hobbies.
There's no one-size-fits-all way to handle a loss, the most important thing is you have space to process in whatever way helps you.
Sadly, this can be more complicated than it sounds when you're married to someone who grieves differently.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for visiting his late baby's grave on his living twin's birthday.
He wrote:
AITA for visiting my late son’s grave on his and his living twin’s birthday?
So, to start, my son was born with a birth defect, and only lived three hours. He had a name, two parents who loved him, and now he has a small grave in our local cemetery, buried next to the rest of my family. His twin sister, who was born completely healthy, turned five last week. Every year on their birthday, I take time to visit my son’s grave.
My wife used to come with me, but last year, she didn’t. I respected her decision but went anyway. This past week, after I got back from my son’s grave, my wife confronted me. She told me she was “tired of (me) living in the past.”
She said a few different things to that affect, but the one that sticks with me most is “He’s dead, hell he was barely even alive! I’m sick of you disappearing for hours on (my daughter’s) birthday night. I’m starting to think you love him more than her or me.” (For clarity, I always go after my daughter goes to bed.) I was horrified. I had no idea she feels that way.
Then, I was furious with her for that “barely alive” comment. I’m ashamed to admit that I shouted at her, and she’s now staying with her parents. I have apologized for my outburst via text, but she has not responded. Her unwillingness to communicate with me makes me think I might have done something unforgivable. AITA?
People jumped on the thread with their honest opinions.
south3y wrote:
YOU didn't do anything wrong, for sure, but there's a problem in your marriage. I think that I'm going to go with NAH. But the two of you need to talk. Everyone grieves differently.
inko75 wrote:
NAH. y'all need therapy. i'm so sorry for your loss 🤎
Fit_Bluebird4662 wrote:
NTA. Grieve how you need to. I would guess your wife’s outburst came from her going through her own grieving process. But just because she wants to move on one way, doesn’t mean you need to do the same. I think you should consider couples counseling with a counselor who specializes in child loss.
marijuanaqueen420 had some clarifying questions:
When wife says you go for 'hours' how long do you go for? however, I would say ETA here because you do have a living daughter and I'm sure your son wants you to spend the day cherishing her instead of wallowing in grief over losing him. Your wife is TA for telling you how to grieve, only you know what you need, etc.
But you are TA for blowing up on her as maybe that's something she's been telling herself to help with her grief. I'd recommend going to a grief therapist (the both of you) because losing a child (even if it was only alive for 3 hours) is traumatic and can cause underlying mental health issues you may not know are there until you get triggered.
And OP responded:
Thank you for your opinion, and I am usually gone for one to one and a half hours, including the drive. I think she was using hyperbole in the heat of the moment. We already had a little counseling directly after our son’s passing, but you’re probably right that we need to go back in for more counseling.
PracticalPrimrose wrote:
NAH. You get to grieve for your lost child as you see fit. It’s not inconveniencing anyone. But she’s not wrong for grieving differently, for wanting to take joy in what is vs seeing the sorrow of what was. No one asked for your son to pass on his and his sister’s birthday obviously. It is just a sh#$ty situation. And it sounds like this year the grief bubbled over for you both. I’m sorry for your loss.
This is truly a NAH situation, exacerbated by the fact that grief is deeply complicated.