'AITA for not allowing my girlfriend to be a SAHM to her kids?'
"AITA for not allowing my girlfriend to be a SAHM to her kids?"
I (28M) have been dating this girl Amy (29F) since May 2022. We met through a mutual friend and things were going pretty well up until a few days ago.
Amy has 2 kids from a previous relationship. Twin boys that are 7 years old now. I get along great with them. Amy and I were starting to discuss moving in together and how that would all work out with the kids.
Things didn’t seem like a problem till she asked if we can find a place that I can afford to pay rent on my own incase she becomes a SAHM. I asked in what instance she would become a SAHM when we aren’t planning on having more kids and I got a vasectomy 2 years ago that she knows of.
She said it’s always been her dream to be a SAHM for her kids and the boys will benefit a lot from always having her home. She said she knows it’ll be a lot for me to take on but she would appreciate if we could talk about it and possibly make it happen as soon as we move in together.
We discussed it and I told her I’m honestly not comfortable with the idea of me being the sole breadwinner for our 4 person household. I could afford rent on my own but groceries, bills, stuff the kids will need etc, I can’t afford all that and if I could make it work, that would leave nothing for savings.
I also said the boys are in school most of the day and although I agree that any child will greatly benefit from having a parent available 24/7, i dont think it’s a necessity. I also told her I’ll be stressed out having them all rely on me. She said she understands and that it’s fine. We didn’t speak about it again.
I got a call from her mom like a week after I had the discussion with her. Her mom started the conversation sweet enough before getting to the point. She asked why I decided to date a single mother if I’m not willing to step up for her and her kids. To be honest this kind of pissed me off.
I didn’t know deciding to date a single mom meant I’d have to happily be financially responsible for them all. I told her with all due respect, this is between me and Amy.
She said Amy won’t have more kids because she’s with me and this is her only chance of being completely devoted to her kids, and although I can “easily” afford it, I’m being stingy because I simple can’t be bothered to make a sacrifice. My blood was boiling and I was trying not to say something rude back. I told her it isn’t her business and cut the call.
I spoke to Amy and asked her what the hell her mom was on about. She said she needed someone to vent to about the situation and her mum just has her best interest at heart. She said she thought it would be better for me to get her mums perspective then make a decision.
I asked if it would be ok for me to go tell my mom that my girlfriend is asking me to bankroll her and her children’s lives and watch my mom call her names for it. She said I’m taking things too personally and I should’ve expected things to not go great after our discussion. I’m at a loss here.
Let's see what readers thought.
nousernameleft writes:
NTA but this right here should be enough to show you that your are incompatible. You want a partner that will be able to work with you, not rely on you. She wants a partner that will financially provide for her and her children so she can stay home.
If she can't accept that you are not okay with this, and goes to mommy to badger you into submission, she is not the partner you want.
chubbierrunnier writes:
NTA. You have been with her less than two years, and her two kids are in school. How is she not completely devoted to her kids at this time? What will she do all day long without a job? She’s not asking to be a SAHM; she’s asking to be a trophy wife. Let’s call it what it is.
sockmaster9273 writes:
NTA. You can't afford to live comfortably with her at home. Dating a single mother doesn't mean you have to plan for her to stay at home 24/7. Her kids are in school and old enough to be doing some chores around the house so there really should be no reason she should be a stay at home mom.
It would be one thing if her kids were 3-4 so they would be in daycare or part time preschool but they are in elementary full time so it really doesn't make sense.
“Allowing”?
EfficientGazelle4739 OP responded:
Allow - “let (someone) have or do something.” / “give the necessary time or opportunity for.”
The fact of the matter is she cannot be a SAHM right now if I don’t fund everything for her and the kids. And if i say I’m not going to be the sole breadwinner, then that’s me not allowing her to be a SAHM. The word doesn’t always indicate some controlling and abusive situation lol. It’s literally just what’s happening here.
Later OP added this edit:
For everyone asking about the childrens dad and if he pays child support. He isn’t a bad person, he’s just broke and lives halfway across the world. He couldn’t pay child support if he wanted to given he can barely take care of himself financially.
He also has a lot of health issues that make it difficult for him to work. He calls the kids quite a lot and is as involved as one can be in his situation. She makes enough to take care of herself and her kids so it’s been alright for them financially.