'AITA for not inviting my son and DIL camping? She's clumsy.'
"AITA for telling my DIL/son that I didn’t want you there?"
I am very annoyed. I have two DILs, and this is about Amy. Amy is very sensitive in my opinion. This isn’t always a bad thing but their have been multiple times were she has started crying over small things. She started crying when I informed her my childhood dog (over 40 years ago)was dead. For this reason my son is extremely protective of her.
The outdoors are also not compatible with her to be honest. She is clumsy which usually results in her falling and getting hurt. The worst case was when she fell and scrapped her knee and start bawling.
I truly thought someone was dying or extremely hurt. It was a scrapped knee. Instead of it feeling like an adult relationship, it feels like I have to babysit her all the time. Not mention waking on eggshells or she might cry.
My two daughters also have feel this way and when we bring it up my son will not entertain the conversation. I don’t know what’s going on with her but we have raised our complaints before and nothing changes.
So I am planning a camping trip and I invited my other DIL and my daughters. The reasons above are why I didn’t invite Amy. I also believe not everyone has to be invited to everything, she is still invited to all full family trips/holidays/get togethers. She also has never invited me out (which is fine).
The trip is next weekend, they came over to pick up the kids and asked me babysit next week. I turned it down since I will be gone. They learned about the trip since I wasn’t going to lie. Amy got quiet and asked why she wasn’t invited.
I told her this was just a trip with them. She got quiet and my son got pissed and told me I should have invited her. I reiterate this wasn’t a family trip, nothing was working. After going in circles, I had enough. I told both of them I don’t invite her since I didn’t want her there. I will not being giving invites to someone I don’t want at the event.
You don’t get invited everywhere and they both need to be an adults and understand. If they can’t get that through their heads then I will bring up every family vacation they took where I didn’t get an invite. They both called me an a%$hole.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
adorestrength6 writes:
NTA. I think you’re getting a lot of Y T As bc you wrote this when you were annoyed and it really comes through. You did try to handle it more diplomatically, but they kept pushing and that’s when you got blunt about it, and I get it.
Maybe it would have gone over better if you’d told her you thought she wouldn’t enjoy the rough nature of camping and given her some examples of stuff she wouldn’t enjoy, like all the extra work it takes, heavy lifting, bathroom situation, sleeping on the ground.
But she might have also brushed that off and pretended it wouldn’t bother her to force you into including her then acting like a delicate princess for the weekend. She sounds like she would be a nightmare on a camping trip and I don’t blame you for laying it out like you did.
bulbasaur writes:
NTA. Her presence obviously dampens the mood for everyone. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice the potential for this trip to spare her feelings. You’re right in that you don’t have to include everyone is every outing/trip.
However, it doesn’t seem like you handled the conversation the best way. But in the end her feelings were going to be hurt either way. Oh well.
brainsbeautybrain writes:
ESH. Your DIL does not need to be invited to everything you do. Not every event is suited for every person in the family. However, you were AH in how you delivered the message. It’s not necessarily what you say, but how you say it.
When you had told them about the trip and DIL asked why she wasn’t invited, you could have said something like you were under the impression that she wouldn’t be enjoy the activity since it was going to be above her difficultly level so you didn’t invite her.
Or you could express concern that you had seen her get injured so easily around the home, you didn’t want to put her in a position that would likely end up with her getting hurt.
There were ways you could have softened the blow, but instead you basically told her straight up you just didn’t want her around. Which while it might be true, can also be hurtful and will definitely damage your relationship with her and your son. I think they overreacted, but you also didn’t handle it the best either.
coffeemom23 writes:
Honestly, YTA. You're N T A for not inviting her, Amy sounds like a handful and you're right, you're not obligated to invite her. But saying "I didn't invite you because I don't want you there" was objectively rude and unnecessarily hostile.
It may be the truth, but assuming you want to continue to have a relationship with your son and his family, you can't just be openly hostile to his wife, no matter how annoying you find her.
You could have found any number of more tactful ways to explain not including her, you deliberately chose the most combative one because it sounds like you just don't like her and were looking for an excuse to tell her so.
ETA: To those insisting OP was forced to be rude because they kept asking, I'm not convinced OP is a reliable narrator. The whole post is brimming with contempt for her DIL, and OP's comments about how son and DIL would never go low-contact because they rely on her too much are telling.
samspayed6 writes:
YTA. It wasn't the what but the how. If it were me I would have either: invited my daughters, but not either DIL, if I was not going to invite both or...
invited the disliked daughter-in-law, but very frankly told her why I didn't think she would enjoy herself ("Of course, you're welcome to come, but we'll be hiking ten miles wearing our backpacks with all of our tents, gear, and three gallons of water each."
"Of course, you're welcome to come, but you'll need to dig your own pit latrine."); or at the very least...
not invited the disliked daughter-in-law, but told her about the trip when I was planning it, and why I didn't invite her ("We're all experienced campers and we'll really be roughing it this time around.
We'll schedule another camping trip soon that might be better for a beginner, and you can see how you like it before you commit to something this intense.").
I might've even embellished the roughness of the trip a bit, to make it sound more unappealing than it really was.*
What I would not have done is tell her "I didn’t invite you because I don't want you there." It doesn't matter if it's true; you're still an asshole for telling her that.
*In my experience with my sister, it's been the opposite, actually. I want her to come and tell her what great amenities the campsite has ("There's potable water! And solar-heated showers! And chemical latrines!") and she's simply horrified.
hardcandy89 writes:
ESH. You're absolutely right: no one is owed an invitation to things. (I literally litigated that point in court once, in this bizarro case over a child's birthday party.)
You're also right that you're under no obligation to bring a crybaby klutz on a camping trip where you'll probably end up taking care of her when she trips over a log or cries over the crickets singing.
However, there's such a thing as tact, and your disregard for it in this instance makes clear that you may have wanted to hurt her feelings. Maybe not in a premeditated, malicious way, but certainly in a, "F*ck it, I should let this big baby have it" way.
Again, it really sounds like you've had it with Amy, which I understand, but being purposely hurtful to someone whom you know is already easily hurt is just unnecessary.
There were plenty of conversational options to you that you should have thought about when you sought to exclude her.
For example: "Sorry, we didn't think you'd want to go camping because you were so horribly hurt that time you scraped your knee. We'd hate to see you cry." Passive-aggressive and judgy? Sure, but not outright vicious, at least!
cerulanbeat8 writes:
Also, OP could just stop making DIL's emotional state their responsibility and maybe this wouldn't be such an issue. Some people just cry more easily than others. It's their body's way of dealing with and releasing stress, anger, pain, whatever. It may also be embarrassing for them.
It's nice to check in if the crying person is okay, but after that, it's fine to continue on and let them calm down and regulate their own emotions. They are responsible for them, not you. They probably don't want all the attention on them anyway.
And it sounds like in most of these family situations DIL has her husband there anyway to provide any further emotional support. OP does not need to "walk on eggshells" to avoid DIL crying.
They just need to treat DIL with basic respect and kindness as a family member. Either "walk on eggshells" is code for "I like to be brash and offensive sometimes and everyone else ignores it except DIL", or OP finds witnessing the crying uncomfortable and doesn't know how to regulate their own discomfort in this situation.
In case one, OP is a bit of an ass. In case two, OP needs to learn to deal with their own discomfort (take some deep breaths, remove themself from the immediate vicinity of crying, remind themselves that it's not an emergency and it's not their responsibility, etc.).
If OP could just learn to live and let go about this crying thing instead of making it a bigger deal than it needs to be, they'd probably feel more relaxed at family gatherings.
You're totally right though that nobody is owed an invitation to anything and people can get together in smaller constellations within families. It doesn't make you mean or mean you dislike anyone who wasn't invited.
And if DIL wanted to spend more time with the other sisters or in-laws, then she could organize something and invite them. This one only felt mean and like an exclusion to DIL because OP made their dislike clear.