MIL iced out by DIL for years; DIL says, 'you blamed me for my miscarriage.' AITA?
"AITA for asking if my daughter-in-law fell when I heard of her miscarriage?"
My son announced his wife’s pregnancy at 8 weeks after hearing the heartbeat. Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage around 10 weeks. When my son called me on the phone, I was so shocked that I just blurted out, “Why? Did she fall?”
She did not fall, by the way. I didn’t realize I was on speakers during that call and my daughter-in-law overheard my reaction. When she got pregnant again, they didn’t announce until well into the second trimester.
Due to my daughter-in-law ending in a very unexpected C-section, my son requested my help to come over. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry for them, washed the baby, etc.
Despite all my hard work, she was still very cold towards me and treated me rather poorly. I finally asked her why and she admitted that she was furious when I sounded “very blaming” when I asked if she fell that’s why her previous pregnancy ended in a miscarriage.
I told her that I asked if she fell not to blame her in any sense but out of concern for her. I said that I am aware there are other reasons that miscarriages occur as members of my immediate family have suffered the same.
I was very sad to hear the news. All of us were so happy, excited about her first pregnancy then next day heard the sad news. We all called to speak to her directly and see how she was but were told she was not ready to speak. We tried to give the space and time she needed for the situation.
I don’t think she believed me though. AITA for asking if my daughter-in-law fell that’s why she had a miscarriage?
Let's see what readers had to say.
popularjaguar writes:
YTA. That question was way out of line. My interpretation is “you must of lost the baby by being negligent and therefore she was responsible for it passing” your question is an outright blaming her for losing the baby.
Do you not understand how cruel that was. Heck, she is much nicer than I would be. I would tell my husband, your son, that Hell would freeze over before you would be allowed anywhere near me or my babies.
On the insensitive scale of your question 1 out of 10 with 10 being totally inappropriate, you reached a 20 for me.
What is even worse, is your clueless attitude about it. Or maybe that snarky question is really meant to hurt her mentally and emotionally. And that makes it evil, and you as well.
nopehappening disagrees:
NTA. It was pure concern and a rather simple and common explanation for what happened. While I don’t blame her for initially reacting poorly, she did just miscarry, it’s ridiculous to keep a grudge over something so small and innocent.
sparkymalarky writes:
ESH. Yeah, asking 'did she fall?' was not the best thing to say. Perhaps you made the statement out of concern. Maybe she heard it as blaming. It wasn't the kindest thing you could have said.
But we sometimes blurt out dumb things when we hear shocking news. I can understand you didn’t mean anything by it, but I can also understand why she was hurt by what you said. Y a bit T A there.
BUT enough time has passed since this unfortunate remark that your daughter in law has had a whole pregnancy and produced a whole non-premature baby. She has nursed this grudge long enough.
What you said was thoughtless. It isn’t as though you said something intentionally cruel. It’s past time to let bygones be bygones.