'WIBTA if I kick out my DIL for bringing food to Thanksgiving?'
"WIBTA if I kick out my DIL for bringing food to Thanksgiving?"
I will try to keep it short, my DIL Kelly has been in our lives for four years now. In general she is a good person but she has one habit that drives me up the wall. She doesn’t listen and will do what she think is polite even if the other person tells her not to.
For example, her BIL asked for no presents for his birthday ( he has some trauma with birthdays and gifts) and just get dinner with everyone. Well she got him a huge present that he didn’t want. It was really awkward and hurt him a lot.
She does this with food a lot, anyone is hosting she will bring food as a hostess gift, the main problem is that is always needs something done to it when they get there. Time in the oven, or needs to stay cold and I don’t have the fridge space. Also she is usually late to event due to her job.
This has been a problem for most of the family with her, we have talked to her and she doesn’t stop. In short it is disrespectful to completely ignore what we are saying and do the one thing we don’t want.
Last thanksgiving was a nightmare, she was late and her casserole needed time in the oven. So all the food was done but hers. I talked to her and then she pulled the same thing at Christmas. Talked to her again, and then it happened again.
We have suggested bringing any other hostess gift but food and she doesn’t listen. At this point it feels like a F you, I won’t listen to what you want. She is bad guest and my son (her husband) can’t really help since he is deployed and not at most events.
I informed her last month if she brings any food to thanksgiving I will kick her out. I sent a text today reminding her to please not bring any food. I got a call from my daughter telling me she plans go bring food. WIBTA to kick her out when she brings food.
I also have tried not reheating it and giving it back, she got pissed and made comments all night. Tried that at Easter. This has been a four year issue any suggestions we probably have tried.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Info: does she eat your food or prefer to eat the food she brings? Bringing safe food to an event with another family screams of potential eating disorder or just general insecurities around food.
Capital-Astronaut669 OP responded:
She eats all the food. She usually has a good plate full that she finishes and sometimes takes leftovers.
Also INFO: how far does she live from your house? Is the casserole getting cold in the car?
Capital-Astronaut669 OP responded:
30 minutes, it should be fine just put it in a warm bag. But she is coming with the food raw, this isn’t she needs to her tuo real quick it’s I need to cook it for an hour.
Tell her a very specific dish and give her the recipe.
Capital-Astronaut669 OP responded:
We have done that. No matter what she does she will not cook it. Yes we have tried a salad before and it wasn’t chopped when she got there and agian she was late. She told us she wanted it as fresh as possible. We have done all of this, this has been a four year issue.
Have you sat her down and asked her point blank why she does it? It seems like a power play of some sort.
Capital-Astronaut669 OP responded:
She says she is being polite and if we explain that it’s really not polite than it turns into an argument and now we are the problem. We have tried so many things
grapefruit46 writes:
This behavior is weird. Like, does she have compulsions or mental health problems? You would totally within your rights to kick her out. But honestly, it would not be my hill to die on if she is otherwise pleasant. I would just not let her actions effect me. Arrives late with a dish that requires time in the oven?
"Sorry DIL, we are eating at 1, you will have more of your dish to take home." Arrives to a party with a big gift? "Thank you for the thought but we aren't doing gifts, you can keep it or donate it to worthy cause." NTA.
allcranknospark writes:
YTA, that’s too drastic. Have you considered assigning her a dish to bring, so it’s incorporated into your menu and doesn’t need anything extra? Tell her to bring dessert or something.
seregil42 writes:
NTA, but I think I'd personally handle it differently. I'd let her bring the food. If it needs to go in the oven, she is the one who has to do it and it only goes in once everything else is all done.
If it's not done in time with all the other stuff, then it doesn't get served. In short, make it her problem and make it so she went through all the trouble to make the food for nothing. If she complains, you tell her that you've told her in the past to not bring stuff.