Mom angry after husband asks her not to bring baby to funeral of nephew. AITA? UPDATED.

As a couple, it can get really difficult when you don't agree on how to handle the early days of parenting.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for not defending his wife for wanting to bring their baby to a funeral. He wrote:

"AITA for not defending my wife wanting to attend a funeral with our baby, thus causing her to miss it?"

My wife and I have a 6-month-old baby girl. Due to postpartum anxiety, which she is being treated for, my wife struggles with leaving our daughter with anyone outside myself or my mother, who lives with us. This hasn’t been an issue thus far and as I said, she’s in therapy so little by little, it’s been getting better. Unfortunately, my nephew (who was also 6 months old) passed away a few weeks ago.

He had been in poor health since birth but it’s still obviously devastating for the entire family, especially my brother and SIL. They held the services the following weekend. I was in consistent contact with my brother and we were discussing the funeral. He said he knew it was a lot to ask, but could we please not bring our daughter. I said I completely understood and didn’t even intend to.

One, in my opinion, babies do not belong at funerals. Two, this is a funeral for a baby of a similar age. Why would one want to bring up that reminder? My brother said he knows how my wife is about leaving the baby so they understand if she can’t come. Well, my wife became irritated when she found out I “didn’t defend her.”

She reminded me that she doesn’t trust anyone to take care of the baby outside me and my mom, who obviously has to be at the funeral. She doesn’t want to miss it either, but also won’t agree to leave the baby with anyone else. We have several family members on her side that we are close to, as well as good friends who also have kids.

I said even if she just went to the service and not the gathering afterward, that’d just be an hour. She said no, she can’t handle the thought of leaving her with anyone else. I said that’s understandable and that clearly, my brother and SIL would rather her not come if it means not having a baby at the funeral. She continued to complain.

Finally, I said she has two choices and she needs to make one, I don’t care which it is. I won’t’ hold it against her either way. One, either allow someone else to watch the baby for an hour. Two, stay home with the baby. She says that I’m not even pretending to be on her side and I said I’m not, because this isn’t even about us.

My wife ended up staying home with the baby. When my mother and I returned later that afternoon, she shut us both out. Eventually, she calmed down but she has made comments here and there making it clear that she feels I should’ve tried to convince my brother to let the baby come. AITA?

A lot of people jumped into the comments.

DesertSong-LaLa wrote:

NTA. Her demanding to bring your child is completely irrational. You did the right thing. Anyone who has an ounce of empathy would understand your child's presence would be incredibly hurtful to the grieving parents (and others). It is difficult to believe she could not look past her wanting to attend with her child.

Ask her to bring this topic to her therapy session (? I'm assuming this is part of her PPD support). Also, hang in there...PPD can be challenging for all involved. Keep in mind that if she is in counseling it is OK to ask her if you can attend a session to learn additional ways to support her and confirm with your wife and therapist what approaches are working.

Best to you and my condolences regarding the loss of your nephew. Grieve...support and celebrate him. We cannot predict when pain and loss will enter our lives or upon those we love.

And OP responded:

I have already attended sessions to best help her and I have told her to bring it up. Whether she does or not, I don’t know. To me, this just sort of goes beyond the tools I was given. I validated her feelings about not wanting to leave the baby as well as that it was hard the natural outcome is she can’t go.

I am as considerate as I can be, but it’s difficult when she also wants me to put that all above people who lost a child. Thank you for your input.

Rohini_rambles wrote:

Her mental issues must be much larger than you're showing here if she is so out of touch with reality to think that the grieving parents would be okay with a baby of the same age there while their little one is in a coffin in the ground.

Successful_Bath1200 wrote:

NTA. I understand your wife is ill, and is in therapy, but her attitude was very unreasonable and her behaviour was poor. Your brother had 1 request, that you not bring your child. You gave her options what more could you do. I think she needs more than the therapy she is getting. I am sorry for your family's loss.

Natural_Garbage7674 wrote:

NTA. PPA is one thing. But your wife is so selfish. There is no "her side" and nothing to defend her from. She wasn't being excluded, she was being accommodated. And, more than that, your brother and SIL were gracious in understanding that your wife may not be there to support them.

You know, the ones who actually lost their child, who probably wish they were missing "family" events to care for their child, or having family babysit them.

OP is clearly NTA here, his wife needs a bit of a wake-up call.