Mom cuts off daughter for taking in foster kids; says they'll be a 'distraction.'

AITA for deciding not to pay my daughter's tuition and rent?

My husband and I (54) set up college funds for each of our children before they were born. We've been quite lucky and now each account could pay for four years of private college, easily.

The issue is with our eldest (24f), let's call her Natasha. She's married to her wife (Miriam), who is a nice girl but has no ambition whatsoever. We split the cost of the wedding with her parents. Miriam has a masters, but her job is something with little kids on the spectrum, and it's only part time. She also has a condition that I don't want to get into too much here that makes her more burdensome.

We paid for Natasha's college out of pocket, reasoning we can save the college fund for grandkids, etc. She first got a job when she graduated, but then she wanted to go to grad school. We said OK! We will pay for your grad school as long as you study hard and be responsible.

Recently, the girls started making noises about taking foster children into their home, an apartment very close to campus that WE pay for. We said that's probably not a good idea, but it just went in one ear and out the other.

Natasha texted the other day saying that her tuition for spring semester is due, and after discussing it with her father, I asked if she was still planning I'm taking in foster kids. She replied that they were almost done with the process and could have their home open in a little as a month.

At that point, I texted a calm and measured paragraph explaining that we couldn't support them anymore. The whole point of paying for everything is so Natasha wouldn't have to work, not so she could be distracted and deal with someone else's kids.

DIL Miriam called me and was kind of awkward. I explained my reasoning and she said OK. She said Natasha's grades probably aren't going to go down at all from having a kid in the house, and I said that would be nice, but you don't know that for sure.

I said there's plenty of other ways they could do community service together, even with Miriam's condition. She agreed there probably are other avenues.

My friends all have different opinions. Some don't understand why Natasha doesn't have access to her college fund since she's over 21, but all I can say is she just doesn't. One thinks I'm the asshole because Natasha's already done one month of work for the semester, and they already have the furniture for the child set up. So, AITA?

Info from OP:

It would be completely different if one of them had their own baby, and I told them as much. The state more or less reimburses foster parents for what they spend on the kids, the issue from where I'm standing is more that I don't think she should be studying and doing 24/7 charity work at the same time.

There's enough money in the college fund to pay for eight years of education several times over, but it's not about that. When she got into grad school we said we would transfer it over to her, but then once she got started we realized it was a better financial move to pay for each semester out of pocket.

None of the kids ever had control over their education funds, but rent, tuition, and extras got paid every semester. The others honestly were always much more respectful of our generosity, they joined social club/frats, hung out with kids w/ good families, and presented very good image.

Natasha might need a little more direction because she often tries to present a bad image, driving Miriam’s ugly car when we offered to get her a new one, old clothes, hair not done, etc. We even offered for them to live in a nice area while Natasha studies but they insisted on the cheapest apartment possible.

Like I said, we're generous and they don't appreciate it. They even wanted to have very small wedding (which would have been disrespectful to a lot of family members not invited), but fortunately we compromised on that one and everyone was happy.

No, we never specifically discussed rules with any kids but I think it's clear that he who pays gets a say. Certainly her siblings have never had any trouble with it.

Here's what people had to say:

SmellsLikeMyDog says:

You told your daughter you would help financial support her going to head school if she did well. INFO: is she doing well? Has she gotten any grades yet?

Prior-Quality-8535 OP responded:

Straight As but I don't think she will be able to keep it up.

Due-Locksmith-9039 writes:

Probably an unpopular opinion, but NTA. Your daughter is a grown ass woman, married and on the cusp of expanding her family. All the while not paying for her own lifestyle or education.

Yes you set up a college fund and I think you should pay this semester(since it’s too late for her to back out). But you can stop paying for their rent. You saved the money for her but ultimately it’s your money. I don’t think she is entitled to it. It’s time for them both to figure out their own path, money excluded.

Icy-Butterscotch-568 writes:

Most states have a setup where the foster families get a stipend per kid to pay for expenses. Something tells me that the DIL figured out that if she became a foster parent, she could get paid for it without having to go try to work full time and that OP's daughter could just sort of skate through school with OP subsidizing their lifestyle.

I sincerely hope that OP's daughter and DIL are doing it for the right reasons. But, something tells me that once OP withdraws her financial support and they actually get a placement, things will go sideways really fast. I hope not. But, it likely wil

weaponizedsloths writes:

As an adopted kid, the way OP speaks about foster children is disgusting. “Someone else’s kids” “charity work” And the way she speaks about Miriam’s condition making her burdensome. NTA because parents aren’t obligated to pay for higher education, especially graduate’s, but a huge AH because they seem like a despicable person.

testBunny93 writes:

Exaaaactly. Really NTA in this situation but the OP sounds judgy and honestly insuffersble.