'AITA for denying my parents access to my children because of their lack of respect?'
"AITA for denying my parents access to my children because of their lack of respect?"
I (F32) have two wonderful children (M6 and F4) with my husband (M35) of eight years. It is important to note that I am white, while my husband is an immigrant to my country and was born and raised in Türkiye.
My parents (M60 and F57) have never taken a shining to my husband, and it has been a rocky road, but everyone is civil.
That being said, there was a bit of drama when naming our children as my husband and I wanted names that honoured both cultures and would be easy to pronounce for everyone in both languages. Think Omar, Nadia, Adam, etc. My parents vehemently disagreed with our choices, specifically when it came to our son's name, and they made that very clear.
This story mostly centres around my son - the child with the name they dislike the most. I recently overheard my dad talking to my son, and he used an absolutely butchered nickname which I had never heard before.
My son told my dad he didn't like it, and my dad told him that he should get used to it because everyone at school will use the name.
I intervened at that point and asked my dad what he thought he was doing. My dad said that since my husband and I had chosen an "exotic name" (his words), it was not his fault that there would be "horrible and ridiculous nicknames" that come out of it.
I said that any name, "exotic" or not, could have some kind of horrible nickname come from it, and as an adult he should have stopped using the nickname when my son said that he didn't like it.
My dad's argument was that a bully at school wouldn't stop if my son said to stop, and we needed to teach my son now that by telling people to stop, it will only egg them on. He also said that he wouldn't be surprised if the teachers also started using the nickname, and that children should expect to be mocked.
I asked my dad if he was comparing his behaviour to a bully, and he said no, he was teaching my son to toughen up. My dad said that it wasn't his fault we couldn't pick "a good old English name, like Henry or Robert."
I was so mad. I told my dad that if he expected to be respected by our family unit, we all deserved respect in return, and that mocking a child's name was beyond the pale.
My mom, who had been listening to our conversation, stepped in and said that my dad wasn't mocking my son, he was giving him a taste of the future and we should be thankful to them for showing us what a bad choice we had made "while there is still time to change it."
I kicked both my parents out of my home, and told them that they were not welcome back until they could apologise to my son and use his real name when talking to/about him.
Now my sister (F29) has been sending me messages saying that I need to be aware that they "come from a different time" and I shouldn't seperate children from their grandparents.
She said I could have had a discussion with my dad without barring them from my home and family, and I have hurt them beyond belief just in time for Christmas we all should be together. Was I too harsh?
Let's see what readers thought.
kukkenfitten writes:
NTA.You're right on the money. "The kid might encounter bullies, so I am going to bully him now to get a head-start on it!" "Coming from another time" is not an excuse for racism. I bet you he has friends with weird names too.
Let the kid determine if his name is "that bad" and then he can use his middle name or a nickname he approves of. Being bullied by his grandfather - yikes. It's not you separating the kids from their grandparents. It's you protecting your kids from bullies.
Naming-Conventions OP responded:
Thank you for your comment! My sister has been quite stuck on the bullying comment and said that I had been particularly unfair, so I am pleased to hear that my statement wasn't unfounded.
img31 writes:
NTA. I honestly am not sure you were harsh enough. Your dad decided he should bully your son so your son has a head start on his childhood trauma so he’s “tough”? What the actual F? Your parents are massive assholes.
They need a massive time out that is a minimum of several months. No child deserves to be bullied ever, but especially not by family.
bureacraticd writes:
NTA. They come from a different time, eh? Well good, they can stay there. The rest of y’all just keep living in the present.
Also, “they’re going to get bullied in the future so might as well start now” is just insane to me. I would have shot back, “Well you’re going to have medical issues in the future, should we start them now? You know to prepare you for your real world.”
Absolutely bonkers that anyone would think bullying a 6 year old when you’re 10x his age is okay. A child bullying a child is not okay, a fully grown adult doing it is absurd.
NTA oh the narcissistic parents send in their flying monkeys. A tale as old as time. They were awful to your son and I would have blocked access as well. What if you hadn’t heard this toxic bs. The things they said about and to their grandchild are just unreal. If you do change your mind/ they apologize supervised visits please.
Naming-Conventions OP responded:
Absolutely! I have a feeling my mom will eventually try to apologise in some way, but I do not plan on giving them unrestricted access to my children at any point. I am genuinely worried about what has been said when I wasn't there to overhear.