Mom doesn't want to keep rainbow baby after successful adoptions and miscarriage PTSD. AITA?
When this 42 year old mom with three adopted kids (and a troubled sister who deals with fertility issues) is faced with a choice to keep her long awaited rainbow baby, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for not wanting to keep my long awaited rainbow baby?"
I (42F) have been married to my husband Frank (44M) since we were 20 and 22. We really wanted kids and it was fairly easy for us to conceive. The issue was I miscarried every single time.
Just to make it clear we’re both firmly pro choice, but really wanted kids.That was one of the darkest periods of my life. I struggled with a mental breakdown where I was convinced I was a horrible and evil woman who didn’t deserve motherhood.
This caused me to be put into a psych ward for some time. I finally received the intense therapy I needed. After that my mental health slowly began to recover.
We briefly discussed surrogacy (which is a fantastic option for many other parents) but it never felt like the right option for us personally. We also considered IVF, but we saw how it didn’t work out for some friends of ours who were in a support group we joined. One of them invested a huge amount of time and money but they were never able to give birth to healthy child. That convinced us to skip IVF as well.
When we were in our early 30s we decided to foster. We ended up getting a pair of siblings (were 3 and 4 at the time) and we fell in love. The younger sibling has mild autism and the older struggles with trauma from their living situation that she remembers more clearly than her brother.
A couple years later our social worker told us their bio mother had given birth to a 3rd baby who needed a home. He also struggles with some behavioral issues but with patience and therapy he’s now thriving. We were incredibly happy and family was finally complete.
My sister “Kylie” (40F) also struggled with severe fertility issues. Unfortunately her husband doesn’t want to raise kids that don’t share his DNA so adoption isn’t an option for her. Our similar issues made us become incredibly close and we supported each other through all our grief. She’s always seemed to adore my children up until now.
About a week ago my husband and I got the absolute shock of our life. I’m pregnant. We never expected it, especially with my age. Plus, after my last miscarriage years ago was pretty rough and my doctor said I’d most likely never be able to naturally conceive again.
I felt dizzy and sick so we just figured I had the flu. I ended up fainting and found all this out in the hospital I was taken too. I’m nearly at the end of my 1st trimester.
All of my previous pregnancies had some sort of problem with the fetus that led to my miscarriages. The issue would reveal itself in my ultrasounds (usually my first). This time the fetus is healthy as an ox. It’s thriving unlike any of my previous pregnancies.
If this happened a decade ago we’d be absolutely thrilled. Things are different now. With the various issues our kids have we have to 100% focus on attending to all their needs and make sure they all feel loved.
We’re not struggling financially. Right now all of the therapies and any other expenses for them easily fit into our budget. A newborn would throw everything off. We want to give our kids the best of everything and a new huge expense like this would make that difficult.
Plus our kids are around their teenage years and we know how tough that time is. Especially because of how their traumatic past has effected them. A baby would definitely distract us from offering our full support to them. We’re also worried they might resent the bio kid or feel insecure.
Not to mention my health. My older age and other health issues I’ve recently developed would be incredibly difficult for my body to handle. The chance I’ll die is fairly small, but still way too close for comfort. It could also leave me with permanent and serious physical issues.
My husband and I sat down to have a long, serious discussion. The miscarriages were an absolute nightmare but at the end of the day all we truly wanted was a happy family. We now have that and couldn’t be happier. Our kids are our entire world.
Since it’s still early we decided to terminate. Only if we had more resources, time, and if it wasn’t a health hazard we might’ve considered keeping the pregnancy. But the world isn’t perfect. The kids will always be my priority. I consider them my rainbow babies who blessed me with motherhood and the chance to love them.
I wasn’t planning to tell anyone, not even my sister. But a few days ago she came to my house for some coffee and conversation. I went to the bathroom and when I came back she was rustling through some papers on my desk in the corner.
She claimed she saw my ultrasound peeking out and couldn’t resist investigating it. I definitely don’t appreciate the nosiness, but many years ago we literally used to talk only about having babies so I get her curiosity.
She jumped up and hugged me. She laughed and said she’s jealous of my good fortune and it might not be too late for her. I felt guilty because she seemed so happy. I decided to confess everything. She was my best friend after all. Plus my name was literally printed in the corner.
My plan really upset her. She started to scream how ungrateful I am. She made a very hurtful comment about how I don’t need to use my adoptive kids as a stand in anymore because I can finally have my “true child”. That made me start to yell back some petty insults. I wish I had just been a mature adult and immediately told her to leave so we could both cool off.
She got more upset and said I should at least let her adopt my baby. She says her husband might consider it since it shares blood with her. When I tried to explain the health risks for me she just took another jab at my kids so I told her to get the hell out of my house. She sent me a crazy string of texts afterwards so I ended up blocking her.
I had a talk with one of my good friends who also struggled with fertility issues. She now has one baby from IVF. I was talking about my sisters reaction. My friend said I shouldn’t hold it against her because we can both understand her grief but she’s the only one who still has no children and the way I said it was far to abrupt for a sensitive topic.
I should’ve lied or at least gently eased the mood. Or even just said the ultrasound wasn’t mine. She even suggested I should consider going through with the pregnancy and either learn to raise the baby or give it to my sister who will love it.
It’s obvious how much this all means to her because of her dramatically enraged reaction. She said my reasons for this termination sound really selfish the first time hearing them and I should reconsider because at the end of the day this fetus is technically one of my children.I love my sister and I’m wondering if I should apologize.
Of course I’m biased so I need an impartial, outside opinion. I’m not afraid to say sorry I’m just not sure how I should go about this. This whole situation is so strange and feels so impossible. I keep second guessing myself and the paranoia is getting to me. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
orangepekomosue writes:
In addition to what others have said, what would happen down the road if your sister were ever to become pregnant herself- would she and her husband just ignore their adopted child now that their “real” child arrived?
I also wonder what impact you carrying a baby and giving it away would have on your children who have suffered trauma and were separated from their birth mother. I’m sure there would be a lot of complex feelings.
apartfoundation8 writes:
Sister's attitude is quite disgusting. OP I do think it might be a good idea to speak with your older kids about the baby and see what they say, you never know, they might be excited about it.
Also, I know older mother, some older than you and they have all had healthy pregnancies. Being older doesn't necessarily mean that you would have an difficult pregnancy. The worst part of pregnancy (1st trimester) is over. Ultimately its your decision as to what you want to do, but I do think it's worth talking it out with your kids.
dart1126 writes:
NTA the very last thing to do is ‘give’ this baby to your sister. She’s made it clear what she thinks of kids who aren’t 100% biologically related to those that raise them. Would this baby get discarded if she were to get pregnant? Her husband would surely not be on board with taking it in.
You have a family, like anyone else getting pregnant you have to consider your family and you are. Your husband and you are both on board. Does this mean it’s an easy decision? Of course not. I’m sorry you’re going through such a conflicting time, but you sound like you and your family have a solid foundation.