Mom to 3 month old lashes out at SIL over her stance on breastfeeding; SIL says, 'I'm ADVOCATING for your son.' UPDATED.
When this mom to a 3 month old lashes out at SIL after months of tension, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for telling my SIL to shut up about breastfeeding and learn to accept MY parenting?"
My husband and I have a 3 month old son and he has been 100% formula fed since birth. I was not capable of producing any breastmilk or colostrum. And yes, I am one of the rare times it happens.
This is due to issues with my breast area. This was something we knew prior to pregnancy and came as no surprise. But I was checked out a few times to confirm both during and after my pregnancy.
My SIL (husband's sister) had her third child a month before I had our son. She mentioned breastfeeding a lot early in the pregnancy and my husband spoke to her and told her it would not be possible for me so could she please not speak about it as though I was going to be breastfeeding.
SIL stopped for a while but later in the pregnancy made comments that I should be preparing to help breastmilk production because my chest showed no signs of growth at all and she said "it could mean you're not producing enough". I told her that what my husband said was still true and I would appreciate if she could accept it.
After my son was born she started talking about breastfeeding whenever I was around. I asked other ILs if she talked about it as frequently with just them and they said no. Eventually everyone was like okay, I think we get it, we don't need to hear more about breastfeeding. So she would bring it up to me directly.
I told my husband and he spoke to her again and we decided to see her less and only during certain family occasions. This incident happened Saturday at my BILs 30th birthday. SIL went straight for me and started to mention breastfeeding again and how I didn't put in the work to overcome my supply issues.
She was prepared to keep going on but I'd had enough and I told her to shut up about breastfeeding. I told her she was speaking the the wrong audience and was not going to be able to fix my lack of supply and to learn to accept that instead of trying to shame me for not torturing myself just so I could try.
I told her to be thankful she found it easy and had no trouble and accept not everyone is the same as her.
She was pissed at me for talking to her so harshly but people were on my side. Only since then she reached out and told me she was trying to be supportive and my lack of emotion about it made it seem like I never really cared and the fact is she doesn't know why.
So she was trying to advocate for the best thing for my son/her nephew. And it made me wonder if I was harsh considering I didn't explain my background to her fully and why this was known. AITA?
OP also provides this update:
She's strongly pro-breastfeeding and does have a belief that it should be everyone's first option. I agree. I know a lot of the trouble is because there are also people who are very anti-breastfeeding.
But when we lack compassion and support for the decision of the individuals as well as some good old fashioned minding of our own business, it makes people's lives so much harder.
That's something I always try to communicate to people. There are a vast number of reasons why someone might choose formula exclusively and there should be no judgement or prying because you never know what someone is going through or has been through and at the end of the day, their decision does not impact you in any which way.
Let's see what readers thought.
dazedconfused writes:
NTA. You don’t need to discuss private medical issues with anyone. Not every can or wants to breastfeed and there’s no shame in that, she was TA to keep going on at you despite being told you weren’t breastfeeding and to drop it. It’s not her business she shouldn’t be interfering. You’re feeding your son, he’s happy and healthy!
bevhillsbrenda writes:
NTA. “Advocating” for YOUR child? What a presumptuous, insulting thing to do. It’s none of her business in the first place what you decide to feed your child. She needs to learn to mind her own business. Is she a lobbyist for Big Breast or what? Like why does she care so much?
professorline9 writes:
NTA. You don't owe her, or anyone, an explanation about why you are not breastfeeding and certainly don't owe her details of your medical history.
You, and your husband had both told her that it wouldn't be possible for you to breastfeed and you asked her politely to drop the subject.
She ignored all of that and chose to blame and shame you ( which, FWIW, would have been inappropriate even if the reason you went with formula was for convenience or personal preference)
If she had had the basic courtesy to listen qhen you asked her to drop the subject, you would not have snapped at her. She has only herself to blame.
Ideally, she would apologise to you for her rude, insensitive and intrusive behaviour, and if she approaches you again you might mention that (eg if she starts to talk about her hurt feelings then a calm " when you raised the breastfeeding thing again...
I assumed that you were bringing it up in order to apologise for your insensitive and intrusive behaviour. I'm willing to accept an apology and move on, we don't need to discuss it again "
intifee255 writes:
NTA Your SIL is a witch!! I am currently breastfeeding a tiny newborn. It'a hard work. And it's not for everyone. I have two friends who also have tiny newborns. One, much like yourself, does not produce breastmilk. At all. The other is in pain she is producing so much milk.
Both are formula feeding. For one, she has no choice, for the other, she has no desire. You know who doesn't shame them? Me. Because it's not my business if they are formula feeding.
And it's not their business if I am breastfeeding. Your SIL has no tact at all and is frankly one of those breastfeeding ninjas who makes everybody uncomfortable. She stuck her nose in, despite beibg told to back off and I would be clear with her that she either keeps her opinions to herself or she won't be spending anymore time with you and baby.
samanthaaaa9 writes:
NTA at all. your SIL is part of the group of people who made my sister feel less-than when she had low production at first, and encountered blocked ducts. she was always saying she felt like she failed her son because the moms groups say breast milk is the best.
He had a mix of breast milk and formula and is a perfectly healthy bright 5 year old now. breast milk is NOT the end all be all. the only important thing is your kid is FED and happy and loved.
Which i know you are doing <3 youre doing nothing wrong whatsoever, she was told to drop the issue several times and she didnt! so she got an earful. deserved!
catlady039 writes:
NTA... It really is none of her business. I hate women who mom shame. Some women are not able to breastfeed. She needs to stay in her lane. She is putting herself into something that she shouldn't.
I think it allows her to feel superior to you. She is not doing this for your child. It gives her a sense of superiority or a dopamine rush.
I read somewhere people get a dopamine rush arguing with people. Next time she does it, look at her in the eye and go "are you ok? what is going on with you? I do not understand your need to mom shame me.
Can you please explain why you continue to do this once I have asked you to stop" Do it in a soft calming voice. Once she cannot get that rush it will not be any fun for her. She is getting something out of this. Either a dopamine rush or it allows her to feel superior. Either way it is unhinged behavior.
You may need to have a private conversation with her SO to get her therapy. You need to UNO reverse her and make her look like she needs therapy and she has a problem.
Maybe get others to back you up and have all of you talk to her SO. Have an intervention. Maybe once she realizes everyone is judging her she will be embarrassed enough to stop.