Mom who was MUTE for 18 years to accommodate daughter's disorder FINALLY speaks. AITA?
When this mom feels like she needs to change her lifestyle, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for not wanting to stop being mute once my daughter turns 18?'
Hi. I 41F have daughter 'Ceci' (17F) with my husband 'Ray' (41M). Ceci has a brain based disorder called misophonia that makes her very sensitive to certain sounds, in her case, people speaking, chewing, anything with their mouth pretty much and it's very severe.
Ever since she was born she was prone to outbursts and meltdowns(details of which I'm not able to share here) from my voice. We thought she was likely on the spectrum for a while until a professional told us she believes she has misophonia(AFAIK it's not yet recognized as a disorder so you technically can't be diagnosed).
Her anger was always instant and at it's worst whenever I made any noises so to keep it to a minimum, we formed a plan that I would not speak in her presence, ever. Instead I use ASL, texting, text to speech or Ray will be a messenger, anything but my mouth pretty much.
I even have to be careful just clearing my throat or making sure she can't hear me from another room so she isn't triggered. She stopped going to public school and takes her classes online. We are also all in therapy while she is also in cognitive behavioral therapy.
She has shown a lot of improvement over the years but my voice is still a huge trigger for her. She finds my voice grating and unbearable and she goes from zero to a hundred at the slightest noise I make. It's been awful for me to deal with in all honesty and while our relationship isn't terrible by any means there is always this barrier....
She'll be starting senior year soon and Ray and I decided that once she became an adult, I would not be mute anymore. I think it's been long enough now and Ceci will need to try and make do because her condition is still not recognized to a lot of people and thus the real world will not be able to be nearly as accommodating towards her condition compared to others.
With a year to go we thought we'd tell her now in advance so she could prepare. She took this horribly and does not how she will function in the house as she wants to take online courses.
We told her she can stay as long as she wants (rent free even) but this is the condition. She has not been talking to me since and Ray thinks we should change our minds to until she moves out or finishes college instead but I don't want to budge. I care for her comfort but I really want to have my voice in the home back. AITA?
Let's see what internet users had to say.
ravensreaper writes:
Op you really just turned yourself into a doormat, mute for years is absolutely ridiculous if your voice is sooo 'triggering' then she needed proper therapy and support.
You have set your daughter up for complete and total failure in life and I feel sorry for both of you. She won't be able to properly function in society. You are not the asshole for wanting to speak but you are TA for doing this to your daughter, and she is TA for expecting ludicrous bs.
euyoki writes:
Exposure therapy. Do little by little so she can adjust and so you can too because despite her being the one with the reaction. I can't imagine the change that ull be going through too by starting to talk to her. So... little by little.
Noise canceling ear plugs/headsets. This will help her get some distance when she needs it.
On another note. Thank you for being accommodating and allowing yourself to recognize that. Some parents don't and dismise it and man oh man do those kids end up with a billion and one traumas. So... you have done an excellent job. It is time to help her transition and exposure therapy will probably be your best bet.
dorthpedros writes:
NTA, get your daughter a pair of good noise cancelling headphones (not just noise cancelling as in ‘physically blocks sound,’ but noise cancelling as in ‘has the switch to flip on to electronically dampen it’) and ear plugs to put on under those if she must. I’m autistic and have severe sound sensitivities and having those two in my arsenal has been great.
You’re setting her up to not be able to function in public, like, at all by making yourself mute instead of giving her tools to solve her issues herself.
What happens if she ends up in a workplace with a coworker who’s voice she finds triggering and “grating?” Is she going to demand her coworker go mute and only stick to sign language?