Mom cancels daughter's vacation for body-shaming friend. AITA?
"There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one." - Jill Churchill
Raising a teenager can feel like a variable minefield of emotional landmines and inescapable verbal traps. One mother tried to help her daughter deal with her self-confidence about her weight issues in a way that she thought was helpful, and would give her daughter the self-confidence that she desperately wanted her to have.
However, it seems that rewarding her weight loss may have led her daughter to have a more superficial outlook on life and damaged her personal relationships with her friends and peers.
"AITA for canceling my daughter's vacation because of how she treated her friend?"
Throwaway for obvious reasons. My(42F) daughter, Abby, recently turned 18. Her father Max (43M) took off before Abby was born and came back ready to take responsibility and the court gave him 50% custody.
He's been taking care of roughly 60% of Abby's financial needs. To make up for the 5 years he wasn't there, he spoiled her rotten no matter what I said and I think this is why she gained so much weight in her preteens and teens.
Disclaimer: I believe every body is beautiful so don't come at me. Abby embarked on her weight loss journey a year ago and we set up a milestone-reward system where I'd buy her a little gift every milestone she crossed.
Four months ago she asked that I don't get her any more rewards and add it up to her birthday gift, and for her gift she wants a vacation I will pay for, for her and her friends instead of the huge party I had promised for her 18th. I said OK.
Fast forward to last weekend, we started preparing for her vacation. I called the other two girls' parents to confirm the girls would be attending and learned Abby's best friend Betty isn't going.
Betty loves traveling and was looking forward to the vacation so I asked why. Apparently Abby uninvited her because 'she is too chubby to look good in pictures'
I calmly talked to Abby and reminded her how Betty would feel being left out for such a reason and she went off with 'I didn't work so hard for this vacation so my pictures will be ruined.'
Long story short, I insisted Abby should apologize to Betty for body shaming her and reminded her how horrible she felt when people did it to her not even more than a year ago.
I also threatened to cancel the vacation if she didn't apologize because although I am glad she is so confident in her own skin now, it is not an excuse to put others down. She stormed off and went to her dad.
I later received a call from my very angry ex telling me off for making decisions for Abby, and using this as an excuse to cancel. He also insisted he pays extra 10% for Abby's needs so he demands I don't cancel.
I told him off for enabling her bullying and hung up, then called Abby and reminded her I was not asking her to invite Betty if she doesn't want to, but to apologize for how unnecessarily mean and hurtful she was.
She didn't. Instead, she tried to get Betty to talk to me and tell me she lied about being uninvited and that she (Betty) canceled because she wasn't feeling well. When Betty said no, she sent a ton of hateful texts and body-shaming insults I can't even write down.
Betty sent me screenshots so I canceled the vacation. My ex tried to rebook but it's a very popular place with a long waiting list so soon after I canceled, the girls were replaced with other people.
Her birthday was on 10th and the vacation would have started yesterday. For context: Abby losing weight, how she wanted to lose it, and how she wanted me to support her on her journey (the gifts) were entirely her choice.
My ex and Abby think I'm an AH for canceling the vacation and my daughter is not talking to me. Some of my friends agree on my approach while others think I should have put my daughter first. So AITA?
This post got some very intense responses:
'Some of my friends agree on my approach while others think I should have put my daughter first.' NTA Teaching your daughter to not be a horrible human being IS putting her first.
This. OP, I would text your husband, 'Being a parent isn't about giving your kid zero consequences so they like you. Being a parent is doing everything in your power to ensure your child grows up to be a good person.
How would you feel if your best friend uninvited you from a trip because he felt you were too ugly for pictures? Do you think a good person does stuff like that?
You might think in supporting what she's doing, you're in the right because our daughter wants to be around you right now, but in the future, you might change your mind when she starts treating you that way.
Will you be... too bald to be included in her graduation pictures? Or too wrinkly to be allowed at her wedding? Seriously, think about this.'
OP, you're not wrong. If your daughter couldn't hide out with your ex, she might be learning a lesson. Unfortunately, she's hanging out with someone who is telling her she's in the right. I honestly feel bad because your hands are tied. All you can do is not support her bad actions and hope she becomes a better person.
NTA. Holy crap, your daughter is a monster. That is how she treats her best friend? Yikes....
NTA. I commend your strength and parenting skills. This was the right thing to do and would've been hard to do. Well done, you deserve to go on the holiday yourself.
YTA for giving your daughter who is a child rewards for weight loss? Her behavior of value based on weight shows she likely has developed disordered eating patterns and attitudes and this will cause her a lifetime of pain.
ESH. It was a crappy thing she did, but reading this post makes me think the daughter has internalized a lot of mixed messages coming from OP.
NTA for banning the holiday but you are an a**hole for the rewards thing for losing weight that is completely f^%$ed up and will obviously have lead to her fatphobic attitudes because you hold the same values!