Pregnant woman cuts friend who had miscarriage out of life after gender reveal party. AITA? UPDATED.
When this pregnant woman wants her friend who miscarried out of her life, she asks Reddit:
"AITAH for telling my friend who had a miscarriage I'm done?"
By the title I’m sure you’re saying I am the asshole but let me elaborate. My ex best friend and I had been friends for over 15 years, shortly after she got married she found out she was pregnant, I was thrilled and excited for her knowing she had always wanted to be a mother.
Shortly after she had miscarried, I cried for her knowing how much that broke her heart. Fast forward almost a year later and I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and ready to start this journey as I had also always wanted to be a mother, but I dreaded telling her knowing how upset she would be at me.
I called her mom crying my eyes out and told her, she said I was thoughtful for understanding her feelings and I then asked if she could tell her for me. Note we live 2.5 hours away.
Fast forward three weeks later I finally get a message from her that said “congrats. Sorry if I’m being a b&tch it’s just too soon for me” which broke my heart because I was so happy for her when she found out but I never got that in return. I kept in mind about her miscarriage and decided to let it go.
Fast forward again to my gender reveal she told me she wouldn’t be able to attend because she had a wedding the night before that she had already made a commitment to, I completely understand and she then congratulated me on the gender but once again but very short and you could tell she wasn’t happy for me like I was her, yet I was still keeping in mind it wasn’t easy for her.
As soon as we picked a date for my baby shower I informed her and her mom who I was close with about the dates and times to make sure they didn’t have anything planned that day, it was three and a half months away. I then reminded them multiple times about the times and date and we sent out invitation.
A few days before she texted me saying they got the dates mixed up and weren’t going to be able to attend but they were planning on coming a different weekend to celebrate just me and my baby.
Fast forward to that week and it turns out they weren’t coming for me but to celebrate a family members birthday and was just going to give me presents there. She send a text asking if I was still coming which I ignored because of personal issues going on in life alone with work and being upset at her.
Hours later she then sent me a text about how I don’t understand how hard it is for her to see her best friend have a healthy baby and that it’s a toll on her for my baby to be healthy. I sent a text replying about how I don’t want anyone is isn’t happy about my baby’s health in their life. So am I the asshole?
I kept reminding her of the date because she always forgets dates because she doesn’t put them down and told me there was no way she would miss it. And if she ever once told me it was to hard I would have understood but she kept insuring me other wise.
I also didn’t expect a whole weekend nor even a day, but upset she told me they planned something for me when it wasn’t for me at all. If she had told me the truth from the get go I wouldn’t have minding one bit There was other smaller details that like have been edited but i never thought this post would get so much attention.
I downloaded this app today, made the account and made this post, so honestly I didn’t think anyone would reply.
Let's see what readers thought.
strictlove writes:
NTA. I have lost two pregnancies myself so I understand that she’s grieving her child and also the life she envisioned for herself and said child.
You have been thoughtful and respectful of her feelings to the point of losing your own joy for your pregnancy.
Declining to attend baby showers etc is a completely reasonable response and I 100% understand that it would be to much for her, however not even sending a supportive text message to her friend of 15 years I find slightly disrespectful.
shockgrtful writes:
Yta - there's an irony in you not responding to her because of YOUR life events while being upset she's been slow due to HER overwhelming GRIEF. She brought you presents. She congratulated you. She asked to visit you.
fitprimary6 writes:
YTA. Grief doesn’t have a deadline and child love as is devastating. If she hasn’t been able to conceive again since, doubly so. I think you both need to just talk and be there for each other.
She needs to hear how you feel about all this, but you also need to realize that while she might be able to support you in other ways, being there while you celebrate baby milestones is going to rip open those grief wounds wide. It’s better for her mental health to stay away, and better for you to get support elsewhere until she heals.
I hope you work it out. I’ve lost friends over my own infertility and not being able to be there with their pregnancies, despite wanting to spend time in other ways. You’ll never know the grief of it I hope, but please don’t add to her grief by terminating the friendship over this.
prestigiouswedding writes:
NTA. I feel for her and what she went through is really sad, but the world does not stop for people. You can still grieve and be happy for others. This is a lot like how there are many stories on here about how people who are having difficulty conceiving a child expect their family members and their friends to not have kids.
The world doesn’t stop for you and a lot of people need to understand that. Hopefully she’s getting therapy to properly cope with this. After reading some of your comments, she’s not your friend.
OP then provides the following update.
UPDATE: I NEVER expected her to not grieve. I expected her to be honest with me because I had asked multiple times if she was okay with coming and she informed me she was. I never pushed her coming I just reminded her of the date because she would always forget dates for things since she didn’t write them down.
I only reminded her 2-3 times in a spam of months. When she congratulated me she said she needed a few weeks to herself and I gave her that messaging every now and then not even mentioning my pregnancy what so ever just to checking in on her and life.
But even tho I knew she was grieving a manor lose my life shouldn’t have revolved about when she could have kids I will add, I cried when I found out I was pregnant knowing how much it would hurt her, I cried when I called her mom, when she finally texted me I cried knowing how much I hurt her.
I do not hate her by any means. I love her and she is pregnant to this day. We no longer talk (many issues with her before this incident) but I pray for her, her baby, and a healthy delivery for both of them.
Like some have said it seems like this friendship has ran its course, as sad as it made me I knew it was for my health (again not just this issue any others way before this) this will be my last edit added. Thank you all for everyone’s POV. I appreciate it and never expected to get this much attention.