Salty MOH steals back bride's baby shower gift in a rage; 'I helped you through stillbirth.' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman's MOH feels like her best friend/bride has distanced herself from her since becoming pregnant and getting a new job, she asks Reddit:
"AITAH for stealing back a baby shower gift?"
Trigger Warning: There are details about miscarriage in this story.
This is all still fresh and now I guess I am having second thoughts. My (26f) friend (26f) and I have known each other since nursery.
When she got dumped for the first time, I was the one she called, when her father passed away I helped her with the legal side of the funeral, when an ex stole from her I took her to the police station and convinced my parents to let her stay with us until a new door was installed (he kicked it in).
I was also the one that turned up on her door at 2 a.m when she spontaneoulsy miscarried in her toilet late term despite the lockdowns. I helped her clean up the after math.
Her then bf (now husband) was abroad and couldn't come home immediately due to Covid restrictions. I also stayed with her after she was released from hospital until he arrived.
We were always close or so I thought. After Covid she started a new job and hung out with a crowd that I don't have anything in common with. They are more of a going out and drinking and less going out and bouldering type.
So I met her every other weekend which then turned into every third weekend and in the end it became a once a month thing.
I didn't mind. People grow and get new interests, but she always said that I would be her best friend no matter who else entered her life. So naturally I was maid of honor at her wedding.
"Shocked" doesn't cover it when I found out she was pregnant and I was the last to know, she told me at the five month mark, and only because I asked her due to weight gain. However, I thought the trauma and the fact that I was there last time made her have some negative feelings about telling me so I put it behind me.
I called a few of her new friends when she was 7 months to arrange a baby shower for her as she had over the years shared exactly what she had envisioned for it.
A number of them replied and said she didn't want a baby shower and that people were going to drop of gifts at her place on the Thursday evening (this week gone). She is 8 months.
I phoned her and asked if she really didn't want a baby shower and she confirmed as much. She told me to just drop off the gifts. She asked me if I was still good for paying for the crib and accessories for it as we had agreed upon for her first pregnancy. I said yes.
Thursday I dropped of the crib and other stuff, but her mother answered. Telling me not to contact her before next week as she wasn't going to be in. I found it odd as at this point she is in her 8 month and should be resting.
Some friends texted me what I was doing Friday evening. Some of them I hadn't been in touch with for a while. On a hunch I went to her place on Friday evening under the guise of giving her a small gift I had forgotten to give her.
Her front door was decorated and there was music playing at her house. I had to bang on the door before someone finally came and opened it. It was her mother again and she looked bothered by my presence.
She asked me what I was doing there and told me my friend was out. I pushed past her and found her sitting in her living room surrounded by her new friend groups and some of our mutual friends too.
I turned to her mother who had followed me and said she is here to which this dumb woman replied, oh she must have just popped back in! Like WTF! So I left.
Yesterday I went by her house and she allowed me in and tried to explain that the baby shower was not really my scene and she tried to spare me from coming to it. It was all for my own good.
I didn't buy it and kept pushing her and in the end she confessed that her new friends weren't very fond of me and they didn't want me to be there.
I told her to F off and told her that I hoped she would lose this baby too and then get her new friends to clean up after her and her "baby," packed the crib and other stuff into my car and drove off.
She has been texting me about it since yesterday. A few of our mutual friends that were present at the baby shower have phoned me too but I didn't answer their calls.
My brothers found it funny, but my parents told me I was being a petty asshole for taking back the gift as in our culture and religion you never take back gifts even if you no longer want to be friends with that person.
My mother even went as far as saying that I shamed myself by my behaviour as she has now most likely told all our friend group.
If I am indeed the AH I will go back with the gift and apologize.
OP also provides this lengthy update about the details of her friend's miscarriage:
She had called the ambulance earlier on but they told her to come in on her own as she wasn't dilated and there was no blood. They told her to get an uber for a checkup as what she had described to them wasn't signs of early labour, or a medical emergency.
This was during the pandemic lockdowns and we found out they hadn't followed procedure so I had to make a complaint on her behalf to PALS, already mentioned in another comment.
She had signs earlier on but instead of calling the ambulance for the second time when things had at that stage progressed to blood and more pain she called me. An hour or so before that she had sent texts thinking I would read them.
Irrational thinking on her part due to what she was going through as most people are asleep a that time of the night instead of checking their phones. When things got really bad she phoned me.
It was almost 2 in the morning when I went over to her house. There was blood and other body fluids all over her bedroom, the hallway, bathroom, the stairs and entrance. I got the "honour" of cleaning all of that up too.
The placenta wasn't passed when I came. She had clamped and cut the cord herself. She was waiting for me in the entrance way as she didn't want to go back into the bathroom and looked like a crime victim when I arrived. The baby was small but fully formed. I can never forget that sight.
Despite the trauma I pushed through for her.
Stillbirth/miscarriage....I am not a medical professional. Anything before birth to me is miscarriage. She also referred to it as that when she would trauma dump on me at the most inconvenient times, but I would put up with her shit back then.
A few months after that she blamed me for not reading my texts on time because I could have saved it from dying, because in her irrational mind I was supposed to be stuck to my phone and reading her text while asleep, instead of her mother who lives fifteen minutes away from her, or that her boyfriend shouldn'nt have gone travelling when she was that late in her pregnancy.
Then she said she forgave me instead of admitting her own mistake of not phoning the ambulance and letting the medical professionals handle it.
Let's see what readers thought.
markyas7 writes:
ESH. She clearly was hiding the party from you without being an adult and discussing. She sucked for lying and not being mature.
You sucked when you told her you hoped she’s lose the baby. But, I would take back the gift if I were you. She was clearly only wanting that from you and that tells a lot (“are you still good to grab the crib for me?”).
She knew you’d pay, and she knew she didn’t have to invite you and it still worked out to her benefit.
mandy98 writes:
ESH but the only thing you did that was really wrong was wishing her another miscarriage. I really do understand she hurt you badly, and it was said out of pain and anger. Still, it's a step too far.
Return the crib and other stuff if you can and use the money to treat yourself to something since this woman hasn't been your friend for a while. But send an apology card to take back the wishing her a miscarriage comment.
And maybe use that moment to put a period on the friendship because it is over. And then never interact with her again. What she did is really low.
Again, only apologize for that comment. Do not ask for a response, nor leave an opening for one. Drop her and anyone else you feel was in on this lie and move on to better people.
plantmetal writes:
I have to say ESH, because no matter how hurt you were, you knew better than to say that you hope she loses this baby too. And I think you know you are the asshole for that.
But you aren't posting this because of that comment, you want to know if you are wrong for feeling shit she is dumping you like this. And yes, you are. But take if from experience: sometimes people don't just grow apart, they grow into s- people as well. And it sucks for you, but at least you know she doesn't want you around.
She could have said "hey my friend group doesn't really like you, so can we do a mini baby show with just the two of us and spend time together?" No, she decided to straight up lie and not care about you being included in her pregnancy or not. It's clear she doesn't want you around anymore.
As much as it sucks: take the hint, just end the friendship. And you don't even have to announce it. Just stop talking to her. Chances are it will die out naturally.
That way, you don't have to endure the endless discussions that "you are still her best friend" and "she didn't mean to hurt you" and "that you hurt her when you barged in like that" etc etc. Just stop talking and broaden your friend group to better people.
And really, even though she is shitty now, totally okay to mourn the friendship you have lost, the person she once was. Good friends are rare and losing them can make you sad and mourn just as much as a romantic partner can. but after that, broaden your friend group and live your best life.
Honestly, I know Reddit often tells people to leave someone. But to me, this feels like an ending friendship. You can say sorry, she can say sorry, you can make up... And this will happen again and again until you get tired of it.