SAHM is triggered by raising son, wants to work again. Hubby says, 'You're not ready.'
When this mom is concerned for her mental health, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for wanting to transition from being a stay-at-home mom to working?'
I (28F) have been married for 6y to my husband (40M), together for 7y. After having our son (3y in October) I’ve been a stay-at-home mom (SAHM). I previously worked as a nurse.
We both agreed when we met that if we ever had kids, I’d like to be a SAHM until our child is school-age. I had a hard pregnancy, labor, and recovery. My mental health also tanked. I’ve since had my fallopian tubes removed as we both agree we can’t go through that again.
I started therapy 1.5y ago and was diagnosed with major depression, panic disorder, & C-PTSD. My mental health had been in shambles, but I’m in a much better place now with successful therapy & meds. I won’t go into depth here, but I grew up in a very abusive household, my parents were part of a fundamentalist Christian cult, & substance a%use.
Having a child turned out to be a huge trigger for my C-PTSD, as being with my son gave me flashbacks from my childhood. I was have poured every ounce of sanity and love into my son, to the point that I’ve drained myself of any energy outside of that nurturing mother role.
I’m burned out daily with the stress of emotionally managing myself while encouraging our son to thrive during his toddler years.
There’s no breaks. I do 99% of the household work - lay out clothes for my husband, do 100% of the child care, prep our meds (my husband has a chronic health problem), wake up my husband for work every morning, up any night our son wakes up, etc.
Our finances are also really tight. My husband works 55h/wk as a manufacturing supervisor and makes decent money. But we had a lot of unexpected expenses and with cost of living increasing, our savings are almost drained and we’re living paycheck to paycheck.
He agrees it would be good for me to go to work to help with finances. BUT he doesn’t want me working 3rd shift. Here’s the thing, we have no childcare resources. I’ve contacted every day care and the waiting list is 2y in our area.
The ONLY option for me is 3rd shift as I’d be home during the day and we’d just need our neighbor to watch our son in the early AM.
I know this would not be easy. I’d be juggling varying sleep schedules on top of adjusting to hospital work — which I haven’t practiced in for 5y. But it would give me a purpose outside of being mom with huge financial benefits.
He got really angry when we talked last night. I got equally upset and stood my ground. He blamed my “angry attitude” on my C-PTSD instead of acknowledging that it’s NORMAL to get angry and I’m not going to be agreeable and sweet if I feel I need to defend my position.
He basically summed up his opinion to not wanting me away from home overnights, not wanting us to be ships passing in the night, and feeling it would tank my mental health.
I would only work 2-3 days a week (12h shifts). We wouldn’t have to worry about child care. And I told him if it turns out to be a bad fit or my mental health starts tanking I’d leave the job. So AITA for wanting this??
Let's see what internet users had to say.
generalrelative8 writes:
NTA. No one knows how they will react to a situation until they are in it. Being a SAHM is hard work. As you said, working may help you and your family, and if it hurts your mental health, you can quit.
Your husband may also like having you work. Your family will have more money, and he may develop a closer relationship with your child. Change is hard, but it can be a good thing!
clothesquesy88 writes:
NTA. Been there, done that. I found that being a SAHM is simply too much work for me. The 24-hour a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, no paid time off, no sick days, and no vacation days (who gets everyone packed for vacation, who watches the child during vacation) led me into a depression.
I returned to my career because I had to. My husband didn't understand that I was not cut out to be a SAHM, and it was a rough time. In the end, I did what I had to do to keep my sanity. I think it's time for a sit-down with your husband. If you don't have childcare options, you can't work first or second shift, so by saying that he doesn't want you working third shift, he's saying you can't work outside the home.
If he sticks with this, he's going to have to contribute to the childcare. You want two evenings a week to go out by yourself, and one day on the weekend. View this as a negotiation. In the end, if he's adamant that he doesn't want you working outside the home, do what you have to do, and he'll either s&ck it up or leave you.
(My bet is that he's going to like having your salary, and when childcare opens up, you can switch to first or second shift.) You have all my sympathy for being in this situation. It's important for both your and your husband to understand that your sanity is at stake here. Good luck.
classyaf6 writes:
NTA. You have every right to want a life outside of your home. Your husband might be threatened by your search for a bit of independence. He doesn’t seem to value all that you do, and sounds disinterested in contributing to household chores. I understand that since you stay home he expects you to do the majority of the household maintenance.
However, does he ever offer to do the dishes or gather some laundry occasionally, just because he loves you and sees how tired you are? These are normal things people do for people they live with.
You agreed to be his wife, not his domestic slave. Child rearing is exhausting and to have someone that won’t help is downright selfish. A real partner should encourage your growth and want to see you flourish. I honestly think you have been programmed through your upbringing to think this is okay. And if you were content, I’d be happy for you.
But you couldn’t possibly be happy with this arrangement because you are on Reddit asking for opinions. Figure out what you want out of life and your marriage. Go from there.